I woke up this morning in a familiar state of terror. I do my best to get an awareness or even dialogue with whatever this state represents in terms of past Traumatic events. I'm finding that if I can get a picture of the horrid feeling, I can use that as my target incident in my EMDR. I want to run and ingest a substance or prescription, not to suppress the experience, but to feel mastery over it.
I feel frozen, motionless, in a state of shock. It reminds me when of the point in infliction of compounded Traumas that I finally snapped and became a captive of my perpetrators and no longer resisted them...even joined them. I feel like I've completely lost the mastery of execution of my own self-will. I had to rely on my unstable, sadistic perpetrators to 'let me be safe'; I had to go limp and block out the horrible sense of never being safe (anxiety) that I felt with being dependent on what was not dependable.
seaworthy
I feel frozen, motionless, in a state of shock. It reminds me when of the point in infliction of compounded Traumas that I finally snapped and became a captive of my perpetrators and no longer resisted them...even joined them. I feel like I've completely lost the mastery of execution of my own self-will. I had to rely on my unstable, sadistic perpetrators to 'let me be safe'; I had to go limp and block out the horrible sense of never being safe (anxiety) that I felt with being dependent on what was not dependable.
seaworthy
