Mortified

[Thehalflingninja]

I am mortified. I had a bad episode the other evening. It started out strange. The world looked like it wasn't real. Nothing felt real. My vision kept focusing and unfocusing. My eyes darted around like crazy. I couldn't seem to stay looking at one spot for more than a second or two. Sections of my vision looked like they were vibrating. Some sections of my vision would suddenly dart out of place and back lightning fast. It felt like a trippy dream. My head felt like a radio that someone was rapidly flipping through stations without pausing or stopping. At one point everything looked too big.

One of my roommates came into my room to check on me. She recognized I was having some sort of PTSD episode and stayed with me and talked soothingly to me. I can't remember what she said. After some time things got really embarrassing. One of the things I sometimes do during episodes is take off my clothes. Well, I took off everything (I was lying down in my bed). My roommate saw everything and repeatedly tried to cover me with blankets but I always fight blankets, not sure why. I wasn't in my right mind. None of it felt real. It felt like a dream where weird s*** happens and you blindly accept it. Like one of those dreams where you find yourself acting out of character.

This is where it got really really bad. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I started...masturbating. My roommate didn't know what to do. She stayed with me for a little bit then left the room. I am mortified. When I finally snapped out of it we talked about what happened. She doesn't judge me but I feel so ashamed and messed up and dirty. I'm so embarrassed. I don't understand and I hate myself so bad. I was dissociated badly but I feel so guilty...like I'm a filthy monster. My old thoughts of harming myself are stirring again. I don't want to be a bad person. I never want to be like my rapist.

 

[Fighter Morgan]

I am mortified. I had a bad episode the other evening. It started out strange. The world looked...

:D Hey it's ok it's not your fault and when you can feel those episodes starting quickly focus on something to do like draw or jumping jacks to break the thought.

 

[ghotiff]

I presume your friend knows you were raped. Given that she stayed so long and tried to help, I expect that she genuinely is non judge mental about what happened. I expect you had a flashback which involved physical symptoms (feelings) with it and your response makes sense in light of this.

I understand your embarrassment but I wish I could take it away, you don't deserve to feel it.

 

[Thehalflingninja]

Yes, my roommate knows I was raped. I've shared with her my whole sexual abuse/rape history. She's been a true friend and a wonderful safe support person in my life for nearly 5 years. She has been present for countless PTSD episodes.

 

[Thehalflingninja]

I told my therapist today. I had to write it down because of words that I can't say. She told me that this is actually a bit more common than I thought and completely understandable given what I told her about my abuse. My abuser would routinely stimulate me to the point right below climax and keep me there indefinitely. I'm so ashamed that my body felt what it did. I didn't want that AT ALL. But I've been told that bodies are bodies and they respond to touch whether we want them to or not. My abuser never forced me to climax and when he finally stopped and went back to watching tv or whatever and finally let me leave his room I would be in such a high state of unwanted arousal that I could barely function. It was hard to see straight, walk straight, think straight. So I would lock myself in a room away from him and finish it out of desperation so I could function. This happened so often that masturbation got linked with the abuse being over (for the moment) and safety. So it became a comfort and way of self soothing and I guess when I dissociated so badly during my episode I just went for that comfort to feel safe and in control. Hope this makes sense.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Your response makes so much sense. I was sexually abused as a child. Now, it seems like the wires are all crossed in my mind about arousal, action and flashbacks. My experiences haven't been exactly like yours, but I've had some embarrassing and confusing sexual responses when flashbacks happen ... please just know that you aren't alone.

 

[Thehalflingninja]

I

Your response makes so much sense. I was sexually abused as a child. Now, it seems like the...

I too have had embarrassing sexual reactions to flashbacks. I've never really admitted to that. Thank you for sharing that. I does make me feel so ashamed that I sometimes react that way.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Thehalflingninja Don't be embarrassed. I think the shame belongs to our abusers, not to us.

 

[amightymapleleaf]

I agree: from what it sounds like your roommate truly was not judging you. As someone studying to be a sexual health counsellor, I want to tell you that masturbating is nothing to be ashamed of. Seeing it linked with your abuse, and I start to understand the feelings that could be running through your mind/heart. I want you to know that it's okay. It's okay that this happened. This is your trauma, this is how you dealt with it, and at the time, it worked. My counsellor once told me that what I do now to cope is what I learned from my past. They became my instincts. Reacting by my instincts is nothing to be ashamed of. They are how you survived.

I absolutely agree that the shame belongs to our abusers, not to us.