The truth for me, is long ago I was pretty savagely raped and I thought he would kill me, and I developed Stockholm syndrome for him... it's very complicated. I think this identifying with a perpetrator, coupled with the dramatization of less serious offfenses has really messed with my head. I simultaneously want to protect perpetrators but feel like, if these stories are valid rape then where does that put me?
I'm quoting this because it's at the heart of the matter.
So I'm going to bond with you for a second.
I was abducted, kidnapped, whatever. I was held hostage in a basement naked and chained to the wall. I think I was there for 5 days but am still trying to sort that. I was raped every which way you can imagine, and also beaten, hit with a lot of electricity in a lot of forms, choked out more times than I could count, branded, filmed, and also, he f*cked with my head a lot. There were two different groups of men in separate gang rape situations, but only one man was my keeper. I was with him the whole time.
I'm still trying to resolve all my impulses to defend him. The event was over 25 years ago. I'm very aware that it's a problem, and I'm trying to get through it.
When I came to this site I was desperate to find anyone who had gone through a similar experience. Turns out, all our experiences are just
different. Very few people on this site have been abducted by strangers.
I get angry when people use the word torture to describe something
other than the specific scenario of a prisoner of war, or political captive. What happens to those people in those situations, to me, is torture. I don't accept that word to describe what happened to me - even though the events might be the same. Am I right to think like that?
No - I'm not; but I'm not wrong either.
I just don't know what to call it (what happened to me) because it seems to fall through the cracks of various definitions.
(By the way - I want to be clear -
my anger is my reaction and I know it, no-one is doing anything to deserve it. I think your anger/outrage might be the same)
Now - you say you developed Stockholm from a relationship. When I read that, it pisses me off. I don't care how much it was 'like' being captive...unless you were literally taken by and locked in with a total stranger, then no. I don't buy it. Why? Because I was kidnapped. So I want to own the syndrome associated with my trauma. Do I get to? f*ck, no. Plenty of other people are going to use that term to talk about trauma bonding. OK. That's my shit, I need to deal with it. Other people don't need to change their definitions.
You see where I'm going?
Yes he's needs a slap on the wrist but can't you millennials understand this is not the same as a premeditated savage sadistic rape? He was drunk and fondled her. It's so different. There must be women on this forum that have experienced both savage rape and your run of the mill sex offense like this that can attest, there is a massive difference
You keep referring to 'sadistic rape'.
I happen to have been raped two other times in my life. I'd call them run of the mill. One involved a gun, the other a knife. One I think I was followed, one was just a crime of opportunity. One wanted me to talk. The other didn't.
As far as rape goes, those were cleaner, neater, less violent overall than my abduction. Was I 'less raped'? Do we give one a pass because he was (I'm pretty sure) completely out of his mind at the time? I don't know if it was drugs or mental illness or both...probably both...but I don't think he was super aware of where he was, or what he was doing. Is that less-rape?
I picked up a guy at a bar, he started getting rough with me, and I wasn't happy with it. I made a decision to just cope. Was that rape? Technically, yes. He never asked, and I never said yes. Was I ever planning on taking it to the police? No, because I know full well that in such a situation I'm not going to be believed. Am I glad that more people are understanding they can speak up? f*ck, yes.
Rape is always and only about consent.
Yes: I ask my partner before I put my finger in his ass. Yes: I've had plenty of people ask if it's OK to touch my breast, to put their fingers in me. I've said no and I've said yes. I've been really heated up and just as into it, and said no. I've been with men who have done exactly the same.
Consent. If both parties are not consenting, then it's a sexual assault, and it deserves to be prosecuted.
Pine needles weren't in her hair. They were in her c*nt. I believe dirt was in there too. She was absolutely unconscious. He followed her, on purpose. He saw her pass out. And he unzipped his pants and tried to put his penis inside her. That's a crime. More importantly - it's wrong.
Is his life ruined? No. He's got plenty of money. Did he deserved to be prosecuted? Yes. Did he deserve the slap on the wrist sentence? Personally, I don't think so. That judge has been disbarred I think, for making similar judgements...so I'm not the only one who feels that way.
So: focus on why you need to believe that other peoples' rapes need to not-count, in order for yours to make sense to you. I don't have a lot of advice, I struggle with exactly the same thing, nearly every day, lately. I don't understand what happened to me. I don't know the 'right' words for it. I wonder if I'm sick for having survived it. I wonder why I've been raped twice more in my life...I know the statistics, but I don't understand, really.
What I do know is that I need to constantly remind myself that my experience does not depend on some agreed-upon spectrum of experiences. That people are going to use words, terms, phrases to describe things - and when I don't agree, it's going to get under my skin.
I try and notice it, and understand why. And sometimes, I want to vent to the high heavens, just like you've done here.
Gonna bring you back to this:
Please explain how her life is ruined from getting fingered while blackout drunk? I need to understand.
It doesn't matter. Until you've been sexually assaulted while unconscious, and you wake up to the knowing that you were raped on the asphalt, and you don't even remember it - until you've got that guilt, and that grief, that particular self-loathing: you don't know, and you can't know, and you don't need to understand.
What you need to understand is, that happened to her. And she carries it.
What happened to you, happened to you. You carry it. That's f*cking hard enough.
Sometimes, people figure out that what they thought was the worst thing...isn't the worst thing. But while it's happening to them, it is. And it's got nothing to do with invalidating
your worst thing.
My trachea was severed from strangulation. Do you know what that feels like? I'd MUCH rather have a f*cking pine needle in my vagina and in my pony tail.
No, my trachea was not severed. I don't know what that feels like. My vulva was nail-gunned to a table. We can play this game all f*cking day, and where's it going to end? Absolutely no-where. Who wants to play f*cking "trauma wars"? It's
pointless. Why does it matter to you, to say someone else's rape was easier? To say they didn't hurt? To call it 'less serious'?
I don't believe it actually makes you feel better...so why do you need to take that woman apart? What would happen if you stopped?
(I'm writing as a member, not the administrator - just am happy to be clear about who I am)
