Undiagnosed Mother Had Bpd, I'm Currently Doing Cbt And Aca

[Blue waters]

Hello
Just found this forum. I guess that I have PTSD, having read a few books and having noticed that my symptoms or habits seem to match the pattern. My mother had BPD, and would scream at me in the most denigrating, humiliating manner one can imagine, to the point that I felt my life was threatened. In this withering criticism I had to shut down my emotions and my will to survive. Now, and for many years, when I think of anything self critical, something comes over me which I can only imagine is a form of intrusion. I wince, perhaps shake my head a little, and I have thoughts that I must be dead, or have been dead for some time, odd as that is. I have no suicidal thoughts, so I think of it now that I consented to the soul murder that my 'mommie dearest' was committing in her distracted state. The intrusions feel like an overwhelming threat that lasts for a short time, then I can push it away and go back into a 'normal' state of denial.

Doing CBT and ACA work I'm becoming aware of the whole dynamic, but when I lift myself out of the denial, I feel such a tremendous sense of loss, regret and shame at the person I have been for the last 50 years that it seems easier to slip back into the denial, isolation, depression, but safety of being alone.

Enough about me. Anyone have similar experiences? Anyone that doesn't?

What works to deal with this garbage?

Thanks

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi Blue Waters, welcome to the forum :-)

 

[anthony]

I guess that I have PTSD, having read a few books and having noticed that my symptoms or habits seem to match the pattern.

Hi BW.

Have you been professionally diagnosed with PTSD? Reading your opening, it sounds as though you're self-diagnosing versus actually being diagnosed with PTSD by a mental health professional.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD! :)

 

[Blue waters]

Thank you for your welcomes.

Anthony- no, I do not have a diagnosis. I've had two therapists since I began looking at these issues, both seem to agree with my conclusion and certainly have not disagreed.

I wonder what advantages there are to having a diagnosis.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[anthony]

BW, the advantages to having a diagnosis is that you aren't guessing what is wrong. Right now, you are guessing based on a symptomatic checklist approach. There are underlying features to a PTSD diagnosis that you cannot self-diagnose, yet can change the complete diagnostic outcome across a broad range of mental health diagnoses.

My advice is to get an assessment to see whether you do have what you think, or not, so you can treat it correctly and not lead yourself down a path where you may simply be wasting a lot of your own time and effort, OR, doing yourself further damage.

I'm not saying you don't... but I am saying that you do need to know for certain before you can adequately deal with the problem at hand.

The Internet is a good, and bad thing. People want knowledge and are using symptom checklists nowadays to self-diagnose from half hearted, incomplete, information. Studies are conclusively showing people are more wrong, than right, when using the Internet to self-diagnose an issue compared to seeking actual medical assessment.

 

[presentjoy]

Welcome, Blue waters.
The stuff we endured in childhood because of dysfunctional parents is really tough. The person who was supposed to protect you did the opposite. I wish you well on your journey.