My mother burnt herself to death behind our shed in the wee hours of September the 11th, this year. She didn't scream.
I am struggling with the guilt of not saving her and having overcome mental illness myself. I realise the latter is logically unfair to my mother because that would make her blameworthy for not overcoming her own. I am sad she experienced so much rejection, pain and fear.
Symptoms; sensitive to mentions of burning and painful deaths, scared to go to sleep, distressing dreams (infrequent), lingering anger/ rage at myself for not being the high achiever my mother knew I was but wasn't from about senior high school onwards (and being demotivated to even try now). But especially at my family for their failure to acknowledge both my mother's and my own very real mental struggles. My uncle's two-facedness and rejection of my mother when she was alive and craved his acceptance. My grandfather momentarily blaming me for not raising the alarm about my mother showing me knives when he was the one who made out that any psychiatric admission was familially shameful and him being ashamed to be amongst his friends and community because of my mother's suicide. My grandmother being traditional Eastern European grieving and clearing her throat every five seconds despite my noise sensitivity and suicide threats.
I've already spoken on the instant chat on the forum home page. You guys and gals seem like you could help me (and I want to help at least one suffering soul too).
I am struggling with the guilt of not saving her and having overcome mental illness myself. I realise the latter is logically unfair to my mother because that would make her blameworthy for not overcoming her own. I am sad she experienced so much rejection, pain and fear.
Symptoms; sensitive to mentions of burning and painful deaths, scared to go to sleep, distressing dreams (infrequent), lingering anger/ rage at myself for not being the high achiever my mother knew I was but wasn't from about senior high school onwards (and being demotivated to even try now). But especially at my family for their failure to acknowledge both my mother's and my own very real mental struggles. My uncle's two-facedness and rejection of my mother when she was alive and craved his acceptance. My grandfather momentarily blaming me for not raising the alarm about my mother showing me knives when he was the one who made out that any psychiatric admission was familially shameful and him being ashamed to be amongst his friends and community because of my mother's suicide. My grandmother being traditional Eastern European grieving and clearing her throat every five seconds despite my noise sensitivity and suicide threats.
I've already spoken on the instant chat on the forum home page. You guys and gals seem like you could help me (and I want to help at least one suffering soul too).
