My husband has been disowned by his mother many times in his life. When I met him 10 years ago, she wasn't talking to him for 1 1/2 years purely because he disagreed about a mine being built on a sacred burial site (my mother in law is not in the mining industry). I held him as he cried after she didn't call him on his 30th Birthday or the following Christmas. I hadn't met her but all of a sudden she reappeared in his life, refusing to discuss the reason for her abandonment.
Several years later, my husband was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and in his case, specialists have confirmed it was the direct result of the parenting he received during childhood. People are not born with BPD but it develops in early childhood. One cause of BPD can be parental abandonment.
Like in my husbands case, BPD can be life threatening and I have stepped in to save his life on many occasions. All of these occasions, therapists have confirmed have been the direct result of something his mother said to him to offend him. It's been traumatising, not just for him but for me as well, but my husband accepts his diagnosis and works hard on recovery through psychotherapy. I suffer from PTSD from these life threatening experiences and my husband also suffers it from his childhood.
In the 9 years since I met my mother-in-law, because I knew how easily she disowns her son, it resulted in us both 'stepping on eggshells' around her - always saying what she wanted to hear in fear she may react. I dodged many bullets the woman threw at me as it was clear that she never approved of any of my husbands partners throughout his life and I was no exception. But saying what she wanted to hear only meant I was enabling her to continue to verbally, emotionally and psychologically abuse me even more.
6 months ago, his mother disowned him again. This time it was because we were staying in her home and my husband had been asked to help his step father with heavy labour. We have our own home, many miles away but were staying there to care for my husbands orphaned niece close to family. Knowing that my husband was suffering from a broken collarbone, which had occurred many months before, but was still giving him grief, I offered to do the heavy labour instead.
An argument erupted over it and my husband was being called 'lazy' and 'should push through the pain to help them', even though he was doing many other things to help them around the home. I stood by my husband stating that the doctors didn't advise it (we had discussed the pain to his doctor and she advised that seeing we were about to leave for the trip that there was no time to investigate it now so in the meantime my husband should only perform light duties). They refused to accept what his doctor had said and I was then accused of enabling my husband to be lazy. I was cornered and couldn't agree with them for the sake of keeping the peace. I did not want my husband to suffer.
She disowned him. No phonecalls, no Christmas greetings and unfriending him on facebook is a sure sign. It is now clear that she has successfully worked on the rest of his family to also disown him without approaching him to hear his side of the story. We found out not long after that my husbands broken collar bone had not set, he had been effectively living with two bones grinding against each other and he now needs major bone grafting surgery.
We have since heard that she found this out and has now changed her story to the rest of his family about how everything ended between them. The new story is an outright lie. I on the other hand have been helping to keep my husband alive, after yet again his mothers behaviour brought him down emotionally again leading to some of his BPD symptoms to return.
Therapy has helped us to both realise why he got BPD to begin with and is why abandoning your children can be life threatening. His mother has undiagnosed BPD, NPD and is also a sociopath. My husband has been subject to 'conditional love' his entire life.
Disowning your children in anyway whether a child is a child or an adult is 'conditional love' and is clinically not love. There are people out there that still love their children even if they've been jailed for murder. That doesn't mean they agree with what they've done.
I am saddened that a woman on this thread (aptly named 'mother of none'!!!), has disowned her son because he didn't come around to help her after she'd asked him to and accepted she knew he could react at the time. Sounds eerily similar to my story! She was placing conditions on him by asking him to do something, knowing he may react, like dangling a carrot in his face, and is, I believe, 'conditional love'. If your son is disrespectful, it could be that he may have mental problems. This means you should be there for him, not help to destroy him further.
A per what therapists recommend when you have someone in your life that is irrational and will never be rational (NPD, BPD and Sociopaths have vertially no chance of healing), my husband has decided to remove himself in her life, even if she attempts to hoover (return into his life like nothing happened) him again. It is painful for him to 'cut his invisible unbellical chord', but he has had enough of emotional abuse.
He would not disown her. She has already done that but he will not allow her back into his life until she has seeked therapy. He is mourning for her right now as given her undiagnosed conditions its highly unlikely she will ever seek help.
I end this post on a positive note. Just like the first post, my husband now knows what unconditional love is from myself, my family and friends. Unconditional love from my parents means a lot in my case because if anyone out there knows what its like to have a partner with BPD, we can be on the receiving end of abuse from our partners. I have been subject to this abuse when my husband is psychotic and my parents know this but have supported myself and my husband through it and recognised that he acknowledged his issues, got help immediately and continues to work hard on them to reach full recovery.
