Mourning Me

[Belle]

Well I woke up this week, out of the fog, and it hurts, like freezing air when your run.
And now I have a pain inside like grief.

I suppose I am mourning the life, the years, the person I thought I was. How strong I thought I was.

And I am scared because maybe that person, the me I was, never really existed. Maybe she was an illusion.

So I am left with this body and this mind full of mourning. And my mind is mourning my friends, me, partners,those years I should have spent loving my son. Instead I existed. But I had my armour - my protection. I don't have that anymore.
And it feels like walking in the chill factor in a summer dress.

So I look at me in the mirror and I look like a stranger. I smile, I speak, I interract, I communicate. But it feels so false. I feel like a ghost in my life.

I want to cry but I can't even do that. I just think I will carry on to the Summer and then what. Let's see what I look like then. Maybe I will be a real human being?

 

[kimba]

Can totally relate. Have recently started feeling things again myself and it stinks. I had to give up one of my dogs yesterday and I can't talk about it without crying. Before nothing would make me cry because I was too busy distracting or distancing myself or minimizing things so it wouldn't hurt. I have cried more between yesterday and today then I have in the last few years. Now I am just hibernating for a few days until I feel stronger and more able to deal. Right now I can't even act okay because I am definately not.

 

[Belle]

Before nothing would make me cry because I was too busy distracting or distancing myself or minimizing things so it wouldn't hurt.

I am sorry (and about your dog) and I understand, quote above, if that helps any.

 

[KP the nut]

I had to give up one of my dogs yesterday and I can't talk about it without crying.

(((Kimba))), I am truely sorry for your loss. My dogs are an important part of both my life and who I am. Nothing I can say will ease your pain. I had my old boy creamated, he is in a garden pot and I speak to him daily, he is still with me. I have planted a flowering bulb which flowers around the anniversary of his death.

Linking arms

 

[rideonchance]

I understand the mourning of your own life. Many days, I mourn the woman I once was. I hope I can get back to being her. Best wishes to you.

 

[scattered]

Thank you for putting words on this. I am also mourning who I used to be.

The subject of getting back to who we used to be is an interesting one for me. I am not sure but the information I have so far seems to point to not getting back but going on.

I am so sorry for your loss too.