Mourning That Your Family Won't Change

[sarahvee]

Hi guys,

I recently told my parents about the workplace trauma I went through two years ago. I also asked my mom about an earlier event in which she did nothing to intervene. From when I first remember to a little more than a year ago, my dad has been a very difficult person with rages. He was either angry or distant and shut down or, on rare occasions, hyper and inappropriate. My mom went along with everything and never helped or defended us. This included an incident where a camp counselor was sexually harassing me. She basically said that as long as he wasn't touching me, it didn't matter. They also left me with my grandmother, even though they knew she was mean and critical.

I guess I thought that talking to them about these things would somehow make them more empathetic - would make them take care of me and support me the way I would want them too. My therapist says its a grieving process. I went a few years with minimal contact with them and kept wanting them to change after I started to reestablish relationships with them. I think I'm at the edge of the depression stage here. I don't want to accept that their limitations are permanent, but their behavior still hasn't changed. It makes me incredibly angry and depressed. Gaaaah.

Do any of you have/had similar experiences?

 

[Abrasky]

Yes I cut my stepdad out of my life 13 years ago, but have grieved for the loss of the father daughter relationship 12 years later as the pain was all forgotton. I had to mourn the loss of a father that as a child I wished I had but didn't. I cut my mum out of my life twice, once when I was 19 for the reason that she emotionally abandoned me and blackmailed me emotionally after the attack that caused my PTSD.

I reestablished a relationship with my mum and only cut her out again after reliving the emotional blackmail again through new memories. I'm not sure whether it hurts more to be so severly dissapointed in a parent that was your role model or cutting them out of your life.

I would call it a grieving process. It sucks being so disappointed in a parent.

People don't generally change in my opinion unless they get therapy, which is why I got lots so my son never has to feel the pain of being so disappointed in me as I was with my mum.

 

[yomama]

I have a very similar experience. I just recently told my parents about PTSD I have from witnessing bombings in Palestine, and from an incident in which my parents did not protect me from seeing something horrific. They have been alcoholics since I was a kid, and just gave me blank, drunken stares. It wasn't the reaction I was hoping for, and made me realize the incredible gap between my "idea" of parents and the reality of my parents. The funny thing is that there are so many more stories I could tell them. Piles and piles of stories that they can't handle. So, like many people in this forum, am left to struggle with feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, disappointment, and grief. Like Maze, I find myself cutting them off, knowing that it's probably not the most mature or functional thing to do, but it feels like good self protection.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I had it also happen to me. Six years ago I had to cut my bio-mom completely out of my life. Four years ago I did the same with every one except for one person, and then 6 months ago the final person. No matter what I did, no matter what I said they didn't give me encouragement or love. I think in a way I acted out because I so desperately wanted them to love me. I was doing things to get a reaction out of them. Does that make sense?

Even though I grieved for a while over the situation I did eventually start to see things more clearly and understand things I couldn't as long as they were clouding my view.

There was always be a part of me that will wish I had a good family. However, at this point I am just glad I have a life away from them and am able to raise my boys with love and understanding so the cycle will finally be broken.

 

[yomama]

Inevitably, a lot of us have to recreate our families out of friends/partners/children who can relate in healthy ways, who appreciate us for who we are, and stick around when times get rough.

 

[Froggie]

For me family means my children and grand-children. Like yomama stated :

made me realize the incredible gap between my "idea" of parents and the reality of my parents.

I am not a fatalist, so I decided to take my life within my hands and shape it myself. I got help for the times when I couldn't do it alone. PTSDers have more guts than many others and manage to achieve so much. Those whose childhoods caused PTSD have all my respect as they are faced with a long road to empowerment, but when they get a hold of that, they become incredibly awesome people.

 

[Srain]

Yes, I have gone through this process, several times in fact. I have mourned with my father but mostly with my mother, over and over again. I have hoped that with each change in her life that she would change, I believe that some people can change, I believe that I can change. What I found was that she has not and as a result I have to accept that it will never happen. It's painful and it's a process of what could have been as well as letting go not only as a child but as an adult. I wanted both types of relationships with her and I only got a glimpse of them. I find that more painful than not seeing what it be like at all, case in point my grandmother who was hopelessly cold blooded from the start.

I find now I am redefining family once again without her in my future. I have done my part with her and given everything I've got, like a marriage gone sour. I'm done. Time to mourn and move on.

Rain

 

[intothelight]

I think as we get better we realize what has always existed is not our fault. So if it is not our fault, then we have no power to change it; and the realization sinks in, that what has been always will be. I think I mourned the loss of what I always hoped it could be, but since I could only change me; I had to let go and accept what is.