Moving

[Justmehere]

Moving is a huge trigger for me. I was assaulted while packing up boxes to move once. I have had to move two other times under traumatic circumstances. I haven't been too anxious about moving this time until now. I'm packing up boxes and through things. Once I had the first box taped up, I started to cry and panic. Fantasizing about throwing out everything I own and flying out of my state to nowhere in particular. My mind literally thinks "tape, cardboard boxes, packages, clothes, dishes, books, death, abandonment, alone, pain..." And then I cry. I want to be drunk. (I only socially drink once or twice a year, if that. So it's kind of weird that right now I want to be very drunk. I want to feel anything other than this pain.)

I won't give in to alcohol. The pain and panic and fear is here and I have to push through and get packed up. Any suggestions?

 

[FindingMyself88]

First off :hug: Moving is a trigger for me as well, although not as bad as I can imagine it is for you.
Breathe. Remind yourself that this is not then and for right NOW you are safe. Maybe listening to music while you pack will help?
Take it a little at a time and give yourself soothing breaks, doing things that help such as playing with Lizzie.
Is this due to the problems you were having earlier? I am so sorry, moving is stressful even under "normal" circumstances.
You can do this, I believe in you! PM me if you want to talk. Again, gentle :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I don't suppose you have anything other than cardboard boxes to pack in- like plastic bins or bags. That would eliminate the tape and cardboard boxes. Do you have any comforting music that you could listen to in order to help distract you? Do you have some time so that you can set small goals and do it in little increments?

 

[scout86]

Ice cream? I'm actually somewhat serious. I've been buying ice cream lately when my first choice is really alcohol. Might not be the best substitute, but it's legal. :)

I don't suppose there's anyone you like and trust you could get to help with the packing and moving? This sounds like one of those things best not done alone. I don't have any idea where you live. If it was close by I'd be more than willing to come over and give you a hand!

This is an instance where I continue to be amazed at how differently people experience situations. With your history, I can see how moving would be hard. On the other hand, I love moving. I guess it always feels a bit like running away from home. I love the idea of a fresh start (maybe next time I'll get things "right"!). At one point, I'd moved 19 times in 10 years. (I quit counting.)

Sometimes music helps me change my mood. (I kind of like Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" to pack by.) Would that help?

Sorry this is hard! I wish I could be more help!!

 

[Justmehere]

Good ideas! I'm going to find some good music now. Ice cream sounds yummy! I actually have to go buy more tape… Think I'm going to pick up some ice cream too :) Alternative packing other than cardboard boxes is a good idea too. I think I'll pick up a few more plastic containers.

Thanks so much for the support!!!

This is tough. The last time I moved I was terrified the whole time. This time I hurt. Really bad. I know it's not endless, it just feels endless.

Last time I moved, six months ago, a very safe friend came over and hung out with me while I packed. That was so helpful. Right now she has the flu. I don't know anybody else that I quite feel comfortable enough with yet to invite them over into the middle of my mess... A bunch of friends are coming on Tuesday to help me actually load up the truck and move my stuff across town. I do have that support. Makes me want to get everything packed up just right. Makes me want to get rid of everything too. I think a big part of what is stressing me out it's feeling like "I have too much stuff. Take up too much space. I'm a burden. Therefore, everyone will leave me." It's not exactly rational thinking.

Ugh.

Thanks for letting me share all of this and for the feedback. It really helps to know I'm not alone.

 

[scout86]

On the topic of "stuff". I use moving as a reason to thin things out. If I haven't seen it since the last time I moved, maybe it needs to find a new home. That hasn't got anything to do with YOU (or me) being a burden. Sometimes stuff CAN be a burden.

You are definitely not alone! :)

 

[Justmehere]

I do actually need to throw things out. I'm not a hoarder, but I do have a number of things I have not used in 6 months and I'm debating throwing them out. My budget is so tight but I think at this point, a lighter load may be more cost effective for my soul. It's stressful to pick out what should stay and go for me, but I feel a strong need to weed out things. Why are these decisions so tough? Ugh.

Washing machine in my building is broken. Had to haul my icky dirty laundry from camping last weekend to the laundromat, and it's going to be a longer night than planned.

 

[scout86]

The washing machine is a bummer! I hate it when I DO make a plan and then something like that comes up. (Not too big on planning, in general.) Lots of times, I donate stuff I don't need to Goodwill or something. Someone else might be able to use it. Then I don't feel like it's "going to waste." Sounds like you're making progress though!