Multiple Issues

[bassmaster]

I've been continually talking myself out of getting help for months now, maybe even years. I realized I needed to seek out help when I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago, for the third or fourth time.

The outstanding issue I can think that I have is no memory before the age of 14. I literally have like 12 or 15 memories before then, MAYBE one being good. I don't really know what happened in my childhood, my mother refuses to talk to me about any of it. What I do remember is a lot of fighting, not arguing fighting - physical, throwing shit at each other fighting. My brother and I weren't allowed to leave the house, and we weren't allowed to tell anyone what happened. I know that we were poor, that my father abused substance (meth, cocaine, pills, alcohol) and dealt drugs (he'd take us on deals with him, you wouldn't believe the shit I've seen. He had me rob stores with him multiple times) and I think we were abused mentally and physically. The few memories I have are third person, like I am watching somebody else's life. I could care less about my past, but I do want to have closure... to know what the hell went on.

People can say things that make me completely shut down. I just stop responding, stare off into the distance. I still don't know what makes me do this, it seems to be almost completely random.

I have, but not as bad as they used to be extreme anger management issues. Once, I choked out a kid because he made fun of my shirt. I continued to choke him after he passed out, and wouldn't have stopped but his mom pulled me off him.

I can't get close to anybody. I just can't trust them. My closest friend, Bailey, is the only person I really trust. The only reason I do is because she seems to have had a similar childhood to mine, and is practically the only person who I feel genuinely cares about me and respects me for who I am. I'd ask her out, I know she would say yes, but I have no self esteem. I can't bring myself to do it.

As mentioned earlier, I've been suicidal multiple times, and extremely depressed for pretty much my entire life. The earliest time I remember trying to kill myself was when I was 7.
All this has led to my abusing drugs, alcohol, and pornography. I don't want to have any crutches like that, I've seen what it can do to people first hand.

What would make someone become like this? Is it normal for a 17 year old to experience feelings like this? Is there a name for this?

All I want is to be happy for once, to not feel like a piece of shit every day. Any help all would be appreciated.

 

[macbeth]

Hey bassmaster. I'm sorry to here that you've been through so much in your young life. Is your father still in your life? Its great that you are realizing that you need help and support. I don't think it is normal to experience feelings you've described at 17 but from what you have stated for someone so young you are very self aware and that's a good thing.

How much support have you received from therapists? you mentioned that you have made several attempts at taking your own life. Did you receive any psychiatric care then? you do sound like you have many of the symptoms of ptsd but I'm not a professional and therefore cant offer a diagnosis. I'm also sorry to hear that your mum isn't very supportive either by the sounds of it.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds just awful! It's not good for anyone to even try to diagnose what is going on for you online. There could be a lot of things going on. It sounds like you have been through some really horrible stuff for sure. Do you see a counselor? Do you go to Narc-anon or AA or get any support for the addictions you are battling? Things can get better. I'm sure of it.

 

[bassmaster]

I pretty much refuse to see a therapist, did that for a while and it didn't get me anywhere. I just feel weird telling somebody who I don't know at all stuff that I'm not sure even happened. I've never received any form of psychiatric care, either.

I'm a stubborn ass so I've never gone to an AA or anything like that. Keep on telling myself I don't need that stuff, that I can just quit on my own. It works for a while, then everything comes back.
I have limited contact with my dad, my mother didn't let me have any contact with him from when they divorced until pretty much 2 years ago. I try and keep in contact with him as good as I can, I'm planning on going to live with him for a while after I graduate high school, if he is out of prison by then.

My mother doesn't believe that anything is wrong with me. Neither do her parents. I've reached out to both of them for help, and they look at me like a wounded animal every time. I hate sympathy, and that is all I get from them. One of the reasons I enjoy being around that girl so much, she doesn't act all weird when I tell her shit, she understands because she went through it. She's still going through it with her mother, and if there is something - anything I could do to help her I would.

I've long since forgiven both my parents for what they put me through, probably because I don't remember 85% of it. It took years, but I did it, and I felt so much better after I did.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, if you refuse to see a therapist, and you do in fact have PTSD, expect your healing to be slow going and longer, possibly with a poorer prognosis. I'm not trying to scare you, rather point out that you're cutting yourself off from a major tool in healing by refusing therapy. You saw one therapist who didn't give you much relief, and based on that one experience you've generalized all of therapy to be just the same. Maybe CBT would help you as one of the CBT skills is geared toward refraining sweeping generalizations based on one example.

 

[Justmehere]

Is what you are doing now working?

I'm concerned you are going it alone, without any outside support from AA and a trauma therapist and good psychiatrist. You are only 17 years old, and you have been through A LOT. I hear that you have forgiven your parents. Good trauma therapy would involve so much more than just forgiving your parents. It would mean being heard and validated and supported and getting the skills you need to let go of the need to use drugs and alcohol to cope. Good therapy isn't just about sympathy. It's about being challenged and supported to use new behaviors and think in different ways. I agree with Solara that trauma focused CBT might be a really good fit for you. It's not about sympathy. I have done it, and it challenged me - almost like emotional boot camp style.

I hear that mother doesn't think there is anything wrong with you... but her judgment has already proven to be very poor and downright dangerous for you. If you told her you absolutely needed to see a therapist, would she resist that?

I imagine it would take a little while for therapy to really work, and that it will take require some treatment for the addictions for it to work. Self medicating the pain you are in with drugs and alcohol is creating barriers for your body and brain to heal. I understand why you are doing it - I'm not judging you for it.

Things can get better, and I suppose it is possible to heal from this without that support - but it doesn't seem to be what is happening for you. It can take time to find the right providers and right treatment folks to help with this kind of stuff. You seem like a fighter - in a good way. You also have a lot of self insight and you are quite bright. It takes a lot of strength to put down the drugs and alcohol - and that's amazing that you have been able to quit at times. As you are discovering, that without dealing with the root issues, it's going to keep coming back up. You have been through so much, and you deserve to get better.

How long are you going to keep at it this way before you get yourself into a chair AA or into someone's office again to ask for help?