Missantisunshine, thanks for your comments... So you don't feel the need to forgive? I've been wondering about that - if I ever could forgive?!? I'm going to pay for what they did to me for the rest of my life- how can I forgive?
Hi Flyaway,
I just started reading this thread and was really amazed at how clear and empowered you sounded in your letter. It was amazing, and you are so, so brave. I am constantly inspired and amazed at the people on this forum. You're all truly amazing.
I also wanted to offer a possibly different way of looking at the concept of forgiveness, if I may, and I realize that for serious crimes like molestation and rape, which I have never experienced within my family unit, so I do not have any way of relating to your struggles in that sense, but nevertheless, I can understand entirely why it would seem as though forgiveness is not and could never be an option. It seems undoable because THEY DO NOT DESERVE your forgiveness...and that is true...they don't. Unforgiveness is an important aspect of being human as well, because it is important to sit with your feelings, whatever they are, and to acknowledge within yourself that what they did was not ok and it damaged you.
Eventually though, forgiveness is something that is the most beneficial thing...for you.
This is a point I have tried to make here on another thread, and I did not feel as though many here really were able to wrap their heads around ...and that's ok, I can see how it would be difficult to get, but if you would suspend your concept of what forgiveness is for a minute and open to another possible way of seeing it, which I PROMISE you would lead to a huge step forward in your personal healing, is to view forgiveness from the perspective of no longer holding onto any of the darkness that is only punishing you.
Forgiveness can be an act of ultimate compassion for one's own Self, which may also be one reason so many people don't get it or don't agree, because compassion for ones self is so incredibly hard to learn in a world where the exact opposite is all you've ever known...even for people who have not had such horrible, heinous things happen to them struggle with self-compassion.
If you view it in terms of forgiving them for YOUR sake...so YOU do not have to hold onto all that poison anymore, that only continues to punish you and literally creates illness in your body eventually if it is not released in a healthy way. then it suddenly changes the meaning behind what forgiveness is about.
It doesn't mean that what they did is ok and you can just let them off the hook, or that it is something you can just do *poof* just like that because forgiveness is a process, and it takes time to really forgive and how much time is up to the individuals personal healing journey, and you never have to actually say to any of them that you forgive them or see any of them ever again, but if you quietly forgive them in your own soul, then something amazing happens...and all that stuff that has been burdening you for so long and making you ill and hurting you more, when they have all moved on and are completely oblivious to how their actions have affected you and your life, is lifted.
I have experienced it for myself I promise you, though I admit I do still struggle to forgive lately...it doesn't seem to come as easy to me now that I am a bit older, But when I was able to truly let go of all the anger and hatred and all these totally natural human emotions that aren't "negative" or "bad" at all, but are natural indicators that your boundaries have been violated and you have been mistreated and that's not ok,, I can't explain to you how relieving it felt and how much peace I felt in me. I strive to get back to that point because it truly is the greatest gift you can give...to YOURSELF! It's not about them, or letting them off the hook...it's about YOU not suffering anymore from the emotions that eventually do eat away at your body and cause disease...which has been proven.
SO many of you struggle with physical issues that are a direct result of the abuses you suffered, and those things manifested because of fear, hatred and anger that are frozen in your bodies and have not found expression yet. Mind, emotions and body and spirit are really all connected, and when you hold onto anger, rage and hatred and don't express it (as you did so well) then they will make you sick. Haven't you all been through enough already? You deserve to be free from further punishment, which is what it is when you don't release emotions that only hurt YOU! It's a form of self-punishment and self-destruction.. You've been through enough. Forgiveness is saying "I am no longer willing to carry around these emotions that hurt me"
So, I hope I've managed to effectively convey that one more time, and I am not asking you to just take my word for it...though I can attest that the healing and empowerment that comes when you can truly allow yourself to forgive is REAL and tangible...but maybe also a bit scary for so many of you who have been used to being disempowered and being sick so much as a result of your past.
Do it for YOU...not them. It's not about them, and it never will be. It's about letting yourSelf off the hook, so you can be free from self-punishing emotions that only do you more harm, and it's about taking back your right to be healthy and free from disease as a result of their f*ckwittery.
Blessings to you all.
