My Ability To Have A Relationship Is Gone. My Perspectives On Relationships Is Horrible.

[simplekindofgirl]

Srain- Your entire post fits me to a perfect "T". I can find that place where I am skating along, everything is ok. Then something happens- it could be a trigger in some cases, or a flashback. And other times it can be something so small, so insignificant, he will say something that is just, so absent of any real meaning but it causes those feelings- and I can almost hear them screaming "you are not good enough, you never were good enough- look at what he has done to you and now he doesn't understand you, and he doesn't care to, because you are not good enough." And then I start the bounce. Stay or go, stay or go, stay or go. I know, in my rational mind that it is part self blame, it is part of circumstance, it is part misunderstanding. It takes real work.

But, now that I am typing this out, it gives me good reason to think that maybe these little things are triggered because he has done or said some things that could by a "normal" persons standards be considered rude, insensitive and thoughtless. And he does them often enough that there is not enough time to get grounded in between them. And the biggest trigger in it is that he never realizes what he did, even if I explain it. He apologizes, or pawns it off on me, or just flat out disregards it. Which in turn makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me, and since there is- and it urges that voice again...

 

[Loloma]

Do any of you bounce back and forth on this?
And you are miserable because no matter what you do, you are still miserable?

I can really relate to this roller-coaster type of relationship. Especially the stay, go, stay, go part. I went both times the last time I wanted to go back until I realized I had been badly used. Any negative comments that were made to me made me paranoid, frozen, unhappy and sometimes almost suicidal. Desperation kicked in panic and insecurity reared it's ugly head. He would just look at me like I was nuts and walk away.

At least I'm starting to understand why I felt this way. It just not acceptable to be belittled by someone that claims to love you. :(:mad: