My abuser contacted my therapist - considering seeing a new therapist

[digger]

Honestly, I'd be looking elsewhere purely based on her reading someone else's email communication to me. Abuser or not, breaking someone else's confidentiality, sharing their private email content with you - nope nope nope.

Did she ask his permission to share the email content with you?

 

[Sweetleaf]

But his contacting her is between him and her. It shouldn't have anything to do with you.

It is scary, but he literally did talk about me in the email. So that part really disturbed me. What disturbed me even more was the parallels between what he said in the restraining order hearing, and what he wrote in that email. He said "I'm not manipulative" - it's like as soon as I openly accused him of being manipulative he attacked that even harder than anything else. Ugh. I don't even want to go into the shit he said. He definitely expressed contempt for me and my family. I don't know why he dragged them into it. He did threaten to kill them before, when I was still under his control. It's just f*cked up, hearing all that shit, in words that are definitely his (he is so f*cked in the head seriously). Ugh. It was f*cking creepy and scary and triggering as f*ck.

This is the shit that makes me want to avoid my T. It's scary knowing that she had that email. For like almost two months. That email existed for almost two months and I opened up to her so much about so many things. I just feel so creeped out. I don't feel safe. I have cut contact with anyone who had anything to do with my abuser. I am feeling about her, the same way I was feeling about his one friend that lived in town. He wasn't a bad guy - he was nice, funny, did fun shit, he wasn't like my abuser or anything - there was nothing like wrong with his head. He just was friends with my abuser and that's where my abuser went after I freed myself from him. So, he's too dangerous and scary of a person to be in any contact with, purely by association.

I am feeling the same way now about my T. I just don't want anything to do with her, because she is in the group of people who has -literally f*cking anything- to do with him.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Tell her that. I'm wondering if part of the problem is she is to close to the situation. You've known her since you were a kid, your family knows her, the ex knows her. It might be hard for her to step back and see where you truly are. Which might be why she read the email to you --- because she knows you so well she forgot you are supposed to be having a professional relationship.

Also this, right here. It's a very good point. She is too close to the situation, I need someone to help me heal, who has nothing to do with it at all. There won't be any reminders associated with the new T's office, the T themselves, or anything. It will just be a nice fresh slate.

So would this be a good idea, at therapy tomorrow?:
At the beginning, start talking about how the email made me realize, that she is too connected to the situation herself, for me to feel comfortable enough to continue therapy in a way that would be productive - and the office itself is kinda triggering, and the email was triggering, and he used to see her - and the whole thing has made me start to feel unsafe, because I really want to distance myself as much as I can from him.

 

[Suzetig]

There’s a reason therapists shouldn’t work with folk that are known to them - the boundaries here are so blurred as to get in the way of therapy. You really need to end with her and either sort something out where you pay or see what other options are open to you. Ethically she shouldn’t even have mentioned that her former client had been in touch - actually reading the email is a significant ethical breach and one for which I suspect she could loose her license.

I really can’t fathom why she would want to share communication with you from someone who abused you - it completely violates the safety of the therapy room if you know you could turn up for session and have communication from him. She’s effectively helped him find a way round the restraining order.

I wouldn’t worry about the “right” way to leave, just leave.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Is it too harsh if I just cancel my appointment with her tomorrow, and then like never say anything or reschedule? Like, shooting off a text or email cancelling my appointments and saying I'm done for good?
Or just canceling them, saying nothing, and never rescheduling?

I am okay with doing those things honestly. It would be easier than going in and saying it to her face, especially when the idea of going back in there makes me nervous.

 

[Sweetleaf]

One thing I am thinking is, if I go in, and do it politely, face to face, maybe she will have a recommendation for someone different I could try seeing for therapy.

 

[ILoveLife]

Do you have her email address? I've ended unhealthy therapeutic relationships by lengthy emails lol

A text is fine too. You don't owe her an explanation.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Do you have her email address? I've ended unhealthy therapeutic relationships by lengthy emails lol

A text is fine too. You don't owe her an explanation.

Yep, I have it. I know I don't owe her an explanation, but I think I will just be polite and give one anyway, I mean it's not like she has been mean to me or anything. At least, a rudimentary explanation. I'm going to talk to my pdoc on wednesday about what sort of resources she might know about that could be helpful for me, in regards to replacing my therapist.

Yeah though I don't think I want to, or need to, put myself through the stress of going to her and having sessions. I have so much on my plate already. I don't need any more stress, not right now.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yourself and your well being first and foremost, I agree :)

It's very liberating to acknowledge we shouldn't be in an unhealthy situation, especially if it's supposed to be therapeutic.
Kudos! :)

 

[Virtues]

I did that once and she dropped me at a very vulnerable time because she said she had thought about it and decided it was a conflict of interests

Conflict of interest, she knows your abuser, and your mom. She really shouldn't take you on as a client in the first place.

Two different people are telling you the same thing... there is a VERY IMPORTANT key phrase here... "conflict of interest". This woman is violating every code of ethics just by taking you on as a patient. I'm not sure I'd even handle the break up face to face. If it were me I'd go for a clean break in this situation and handle correspondence by e-mail/snail mail (that way you have time to think about what it is you want to say, and not say), and it would be a close ended conversation stating that I am leaving not and open ended conversation like what do you think about me leaving. Again this is just me; you sound like you're in a spot where having this conversation face to face (or even over the phone) would be anxiety provoking and would likely not go the way you want it to.

I would follow up with your Primary Care Manager to get a referral to a new doctor within your insurance umbrella and find out what the co-pays are going to be. You may end up being lucky (my co-pays are only $12 out of pocket each visit) And remember you have support here. Lots of people want to see you get this straightened out, so you have your own personal fan club/cheer section/what ever you want to call it, until you come out on the other end. You got this!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

read the email to me,

erm wtf? If she’s willing to do that sort of thing what else is she willing to do?

I want to get a therapist who has absolutely f*cking nothing to do with him. Like, f*cking nothing.

yeah that would be normal recommended practice. And obviously for a very good reason.

I don't like that she knew him. Is that wrong?

nope.

The fact she knows you means she shouldn’t be your therapist, the fact she knows your family means she shouldn’t be your therapist. The fact that she knows your abuser means she shouldn’t be your therapist. The fact that she read a previous clients email out means she shouldn’t be a therapist. The fact that she’s done all of the above means she shouldn’t be anybody’s therapist. It’s unethical and totally f*cked.

She is in a position of power over you and has proven herself unprofessional. Do you think it’s a good idea to get into a discussion with someone as unethical as her and as trained as a therapist? What advice would you give one of us if you were answering a thread like this?

I’m really sorry this sounds so so scary and stressful.

 

[Sweetleaf]

She is in a position of power over you and has proven herself unprofessional. Do you think it’s a good idea to get into a discussion with someone as unethical as her and as trained as a therapist? What advice would you give one of us if you were answering a thread like this?

Aaaaah you are so right. This is just like the f*cking abuse, not in that it's abusive, but in the way I've been looking at things. I can look at some f*cked up situation someone else is in, and go "hey that's f*cked up, you should bail now, just cut ties, no contact"

But then when it happens to me? It's like I'm some oblivious dipshit and I can't see something for what it is - a bad situation I should remove myself from. Like, f*ck, why am I even considering talking to her in person again? Why do I even give a f*ck about emailing her or anything? Why didn't I literally run away out of that office like I wanted to as soon as I heard my abuser contacted her? f*ck.

This is the shit that makes me scared about winding up in abusive situations in the future :(
This time it was just a therapist that isn't a good fit, and is too close to the situation to be the person to help me heal.
But what if next time it's like a friend or something that isn't any good for me, and I f*ck up, and wind up being abused or some shit, because I wasn't seeing a situation clearly enough?