My abuser contacted my therapist - considering seeing a new therapist

[mumstheword]

You know, I gotta tell you @Sweetleaf , although you are having a really shit time of it, in a really sad twisted way I've felt comforted, reading how this affects you. No I'm not at all happy that you're going through this, it's just that it makes me feel less alone with my situation. I completely get how any kind of link with him derails.

I'm sorry this is your sitch but also glad I'm not alone with this sort of thing. How tragic that I'm comforted by your distress, that's not even it, I just feel a little less freakishly messed up knowing I'm not the only one that feels absolute repulsion and destabilization towards any "messengers" "supporters" or otherwise linking agents to someone that's nearly killed me, and yes, also driven me insane and psychotic and otherwise broken me .

It's a perfectly natural consequential, survival impulse, I'm starting to realize. I'm not happy that any of this happened to you, but thank you for sharing it, it's helping me de-shame myself for a similar response.

((((Hugs))))) and safety for you @Sweetleaf , if at all open and comforted by cyber hugs and someone who feels for you and gets it. You're doing really well, all things considered and I'm really hoping your next T is impeccable. :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like a good idea to give yourself time now to deal with the emotion of what happened. You’ve dealt with the practicalities - but everyone here knows that’s not the only consideration. Of course you’ll be shaken and unsettled by this - when I’m feeling unsafe like that I curl up with a blanket, hot drink and shit tv, I’ve been doing some of that lately myself.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Mee]

I am
With those who find her reply a further breach of confidentiality.

I also do not want to unsettle you and I am not sure of the situation when you have not paid for therapy but to me that she did this in response to concern about a breach of confidentiality would be the deciding factor in reporting her to her licensing/ registration authority.

I also agree the practicality here is only a part of the ‘work’. You are brave to have done it and it’s ok if it feels confusing after the fact

 

[ILoveLife]

Maybe I'm not getting this right, but you complained about her being too close and she responds to that by saying she wants to help your mother? If I'm not getting it right, forgive me...

I really think this is not healthy at all, I don't get her behaviors, they're all over the place.. unstable as hell. It's my perspective, and you really don't need to share it with me, but I think you'd all benefit from her not having any involvement with your family, to create some distance and perspective over her involvement in your lives and move on from all of this. Later on you can understand the good and bad about all of this.


But right now, from my point of view, it seems like she inserted herself in your lives and doesn't want to leave. That's not therapeutic at all, especially when her actions in therapy point to dysfunctionality - breaches of confidentiality, conflict of interests, too much involvement in personal life of the client.

As a trauma survivor you do need support, but you don't need more dysfunctionality and instability if it comes with that apparent support.

Plus, Ts have a different reality than us. They see morally corrupt actions with a lens of neutrality, if they don't get support themselves to create some distance between them and their clients, they can often become unstable and have their own troubles to deal with. Hence, too much proximity that becomes awfully innapropriate, like this situation here. I've been in a similar situation, and it took me a while to see the damages all these issues did to me. This doesn't mean there wasn't good stuff coming out of those sessions, there were a lot of them, but still the damage is far superior.

We're awfully sensitive and deserve good treatment from mental health providers.
You're a very smart person, and seem much more stable than your own T, that should tell you something.

Sorry for the massive rant, if I was off by any chance or crossed a line, forgive me :)

 

[Scarlet13]

I agree with these last few posts. I would not want this T to help my mother understand LGBT issues.
She is still indirectly helping you. She should not be mentioning your mother (a client) at all.
Your abuser could still get to you through her.
Would your mom understand that this has been unethical with her too and she should see a new T?
There are also LGBT support groups and things like that she could join. Perhaps you and your mom could go to a local LGBT center for ideas, not this T anymore.
I would report her for breach of confidentiality with many people, former and current patients.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I just feel a little less freakishly messed up knowing I'm not the only one that feels absolute repulsion and destabilization towards any "messengers" "supporters" or otherwise linking agents to someone that's nearly killed me

Well, I feel better knowing that happens to others, too.

This is the sort of shit that makes me start to come unglued :( and destabilization is the perfect word for it.

Just woke up and started thinking about this shit, and I went from drowsy, to wide the f*ck awake, in like 2 seconds.

when I’m feeling unsafe like that I curl up with a blanket, hot drink and shit tv, I’ve been doing some of that lately myself.

Yeah, I need to do things like that. My trauma yoga instructor was talking about how she made a blanket fort sort of thing, to basically do that in, with fake canned cheese and crackers. Hahaha.

@Sietz , @Scarlet13
Basically, my mom refuses to go to parent support groups and shut like that, for parents of LGBT people. I feel like my t was trying to tie up a loose end, or something, because the last session included planning to set my mom up with this shit.

At this point though it doesn't really matter. I won't be having anything to do with my t, no contact, nothing. Too scared and unsafe feeling about my abuser, to have contact with her. If my mom wants to do shit with her, that's her business. As far as I go though, I'm washing my hands of it.

 

[littleoc]

At this point though it doesn't really matter. I won't be having anything to do with my t, no contact, nothing. Too scared and unsafe feeling about my abuser, to have contact with her. If my mom wants to do shit with her, that's her business. As far as I go though, I'm washing my hands of it.

That's really awesome. Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

So I saw my pdoc. Had a panic attack in her office, trying to talk about this whole thing. It took so long to say it all - it was so hard to get the words out. But, I told her about the whole thing, basically. She was very concerned about the situation, for many reasons - because my t even read that to me, because my abuser clearly was trying to f*ck with me in at least some way, and the email mentioned me, and also because of how affected I was by it - and how far it has set me back. I feel like I'm back to square one in regards to feeling safe. I don't feel safe at all, not at ALL.

Can't really dwell on that atm for too long.

Anyway, huge setback, and now I am unstable and fragile as f*ck! Like seriously, so fragile.

But the good news:
After I got out most of the stuff about how I wasn't going to see my t anymore, my pdoc said "well you know what, we're gonna fix that right now!" and got up and went and set me up with another pdoc there at the same practice, who does EMDR and can be my therapist/pdoc - and have medicaid get billed for it! So I have therapy again yay!!! It's also good to continue doing EMDR, which, while difficult as f*ck, actually has helped me with some shit.

My pdoc said it was really important that I continued therapy and EMDR, instead of getting stopped in the middle of things like that. She said that we'll probably go back through things, and re-establish things like the "safe/happy places" and all that - basically, start over from the beginning, just this time with a good, ethical T. I really like my pdoc, and she -totally- knows what she's doing, and she hired this person I'm about to be seeing so, I'm pretty optimistic about her being good at it. I also got told that my personality is totally the type that'd mesh well with hers, so that was good to hear. I really hope this all goes well.

I felt kinda bad at the end because my pdoc wanted to give me a hug (first time she ever has - I've never had a panic attack in her office before lol) - and I just kinda went "eeehh" kinda nervously, and she was like "oh, not a hugger, its okay :)" - I have no idea whether I wanted to do it or not tbh. Just feel bad for turning it down basically. Lol

Things got sorted out, it would seem. But, I'm REALLY having a hard time, and I know things are going to keep being hard for a while, because I have basically been sent back to square one on a whole lot of things, and I'm so fragile and unstable and just horrible feeling right now. I am doing better right now, as I type this, than I was doing earlier - but, seriously, there was -nothing- I could do to feel any amount of safety, comfort, or relaxation earlier. I still am tense and still am feeling anxious but I'm not in the "nothing I do helps" mode right now.

Ugh this is going to be a hard week.

 

[littleoc]

Ugh this is going to be a hard week.

You can get through it :hug: I know you can, even if it's hard.

Glad for your good news, at least!

 

[Sweetleaf]

Glad for your good news, at least!

Oh yes, for sure! Its SO relieving to not worry about that. Seriously.

But, it's also hitting me way harder now, after that appointment, just how f*cked everything with that T was, just how manipulative my abuser is, and he explicitly shared ill feelings about me, my family, and he denied the shit he did, and said I was just making crazy accusations, that he didn't rape me, etc. My pdoc said "ha!- no, the body doesn't lie" and gestured at me, because I was like shaking and shit haha.

It felt really validating and really good, to have her say that, for some reason. Even though I know she's always believed me, it's nice to hear her shoot down his accusations, especially using my physical reactions as proof - she took something that I don't like experiencing (physical reactions to trauma stuff) and used it to help me feel validated.

I'm doing an okay job hanging on. About to hit 24 hours without sleep, but I think I will be able to later. I did yoga earlier, and for the first time ever, I started crying really hard doing it, and then I just let it keep flowing. I don't really even know why. Just flooded with emotion at everything from today I guess. But it felt good to do. It really felt like a release. That happened while I had my sacrum propped up, up against the wall, with my legs going up the wall, just laying down, breathing measured breaths, and trying to fully relax my body - easier said than done IMO, lol. My favorite position for making myself feel relaxed. I like to hold it for a while. It's so nice.

I'm feeling the anxiety symptoms beginning to creep back in though. I need to stay on top of this so it doesn't get too bad. My pdoc basically said I should stay home and not really do much of anything for probably the next week, aside from a lot of self care stuff. I'm beginning to see how right she is about that lol. I keep thinking "ok its over, im not feeling so bad right now, this is okay, i can handle this" and then I push myself too far or get triggered or have -whatever tiny little stress- happen, and boom, house of cards comes falling down again.

 

[Sweetleaf]

OH I forgot to mention because I've been ignoring it so hard myself, that I haven't thought to say it:

My old T emailed me again and I can't even bring myself to look at it.

It's been sitting there for probably around 12 hours. No idea what to do about that. I don't want to read it.

 

[somerandomguy]

You really, really don't have to read it for any reason.

It's yet another sign she was a terrible therapist. I think if I was in your situation I'd delete it and move on.

I'm sorry you're STILL dealing with this.