My Best Friend Thinks I'm Dramatic

[ImAfraidOfLife]

My best friend and I have been really close for 13 years now. Since we were 8. I've been the best friend that I could to her, always standing up for her and trying to make her feel better. I'm always rescuing her and trying to help her navigate through something. I always felt like I could go to her with my problems and talk. For years we went without any petty arguments, our friendship only grew stronger. Since my car accident, since I've developed PTSD, I notice that whenever I mention anything regarding the subject, she gets annoyed. Whether it be my PTSD, physical therapy, regular therapy, back pain, lawyers, whatever my problem may be, she just doesn't want to hear it. This has been the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've never needed her more. The saddest part is, I CANNOT talk to her about it because she is the WORST listener ever. Even having a normal conversation is difficult because she spaces off constantly. Trying to criticize her is scary, she gets defensive soooo quickly and will threaten to end the friendship literally, "to prove a point." I don't know what to do. I love her and I don't want to end the friendship. We recently moved in together and I feel like things are already being ruined. I'm not in a good place and she doesn't care. The other day I got into it with my mom right in front of her, I ran upstairs and barricaded myself crying in a fit of anxiety. Some friends would try to see if you were okay. I heard her go in her room and then I got a call from her. I texted her and told her I didn't want to talk, that I wasn't okay, and she said exactly this, "OMG I DON'T GIVE A F--K THERE IS A BUG IN MY ROOM COME KILL IT" and I was like really you don't give a f--k, I don't give a f--k about your bug? Like she just DOES NOT care that I'm going through such a hard time. I understand that she doesn't get it, and I understand being a supporter of PTSD is hard, but she isn't a supporter, she can't even acknowledge my agony. I don't want to lose this friendship, I know she is better than this. I do not know what to do.

 

[Mevoge]

Dynamics have changed. You were always the one to support her and she liked that. Now that you need help, she doesn't like it because that's never been a part of your friendship in the past. She sounds quite selfish. I had a childhood friend like that. When the tables turned and I needed help, she couldn't be there because it was all about her. And maybe she's not better than this? Maybe this is who she is. Moving in with a friend means you learn a heck of a lot more than you ever thought you would.

 

[Onom]

She is NOT a friend. She is not even the type of person who can be a real friend. She is selfish, narcissistic, lacking empathy... she is phony and abusive. Eliminate her from your life 100% and move on. I know it hurts!!! But let yourself mourn the loss of the friendship --- or rather, the realization that the friendship was NEVER real, because now you are seeing that she's actually a monster. Congratulate yourself for seeing the truth. This is a big step forward to a happier and healthier life. You will not make any more phony friends because you will see right through them, thanks to this experience.

 

[Ule]

The friendship was based on you in the supporter role but now the dynamics have changed and she can not adapt to them. I'm sorry, but based on my experience it's likely that the friendship is over until the dynamics go back to what they were. I know this is not what you wanted to hear.

 

[Duvabo]

Ever tried to distract her when she was upset? Make her laugh, or give her a problem to solve? Cause that's what the bug-thing sounds like to me. Shrug. I dunno. Maybe you have shallow narcissistic friends. Or maybe they're just trying to help you the same way they've been helped.

 

[Omis]

that is a piss poor way to distract someone! saying you don't give a f--K and to come kill a bug?

 

[ImAfraidOfLife]

So am I supposed to just end my longest, most meaningful friendship like it never meant anything to me? What about our living situation? I feel like I need to talk to her but I already know how bad it would go if I just came right out and told her she has been a bad friend. And yeah that's not how you distract someone. Telling them you don't give a f--k about their pain? That just made it more painful. Regardless of how I have been there for her over the years, I've never pretended like her problems don't exist or like they don't matter. When I said she gets annoyed whenever I bring up my car accident or my PTSD, I mean she gets annoyed. She rolls her eyes, sighs a little, and changes the subject as soon as she can. Even if I'm in tears. I don't know what to do. This girl means so much to me. I've given up on a lot of friendships in my life, I never imagined this could possibly be one of them. I don't want to just give up. I want to make her realize what she is doing, without it becoming a huge fight.

 

[Bene]

So am I supposed to just end my longest, most meaningful friendship like it never meant anything to me?

That's one option.

Some other options are to attempt to come to some kind of resolution that suits both of you, or to decide this isn't a friendship ending issue.

What about our living situation?

Even without predicting issues, a sad truism in life is that moving in with friends usually kills the friendship. Things that are able to be overlooked, or are even deemed strengths become intolerable grievances day to day. It takes very dynamic and forgiving individuals to be able to put up with each other's quirks. It doesn't sound like that describes the two of you. At least not at present. Simply moving out at this point would also probably cause a rift, so right now it's really 6 of 1, half a dozen of another. Which do you think gives you the greatest chance of maintaining the friendship?

I feel like I need to talk to her but I already know how bad it would go if I just came right out and told her she has been a bad friend.

People with PTSD are often hell to live with. We tend to be incredibly selfish, self centered, reactionary (overreact like crazy), distant, moody, touchy, and cranky stick in the muds. To say the least. It's often much worse. Especially if we're having active panic attacks and nightmares. Or if we're spending a lot of time weeping or raging. When we're going through hard times it's almost impossible for many to even be mediocre friends, much less good friends. So, knowing this about ourselves, can be something of a blessing. As we can put the shoe on the other foot. If we want to tell someone else they're being a bad friend, and we already know we ourselves are probably being bad friends... How can we phrase that so our own feelings wouldn't get hurt?

When I said she gets annoyed whenever I bring up my car accident or my PTSD, I mean she gets annoyed. She rolls her eyes, sighs a little, and changes the subject as soon as she can.

So she's clearly as annoyed with you, as you are with her. Like the above, use that to your advantage.

I want to make her realize what she is doing, without it becoming a huge fight.

These 2 things may not be possible, since you cannot make someone respond the way you want them to. She may get combative, she may be crushed/ hurt/ heartbroken, she may be defensive, she may get inspired to problem solve with you, she may not give a damn and simply end the friendship as one thing too much, she may be relieved because these have been issues she's wanted to discuss as well but didn't know how to bring up.

It usually helps, however, when both parties are in the wrong. It's much easier to meet in the middle of an issue, than to be on the outside of someone else's issue, and have nothing to do, or to change, yourself. It's far more motivating to work with someone, than to have someone on your back, or to have to sit and wait for the other person to change. So you're lucky there, as you have both been driving each other crazy, and it sounds like there's quit a lot you both can do to make each other's lives easier.

As far as how to go about the conversation, I very much recommend 7 Habits of Highly Successful People... In the communication & negotiation chapters/sections. It's great stuff. Especially for breaking things down into useable pieces, and explaining why & how they work.

 

[Wonoh]

Sort of ironic that "bene" got the name "bene" but isn't "bene" in the least! LOL

Her post makes me want to hate myself even more. I thought about it, but then realized that "bene" probably has a lot of self loathing going on. All the more power to you, bene!