Undiagnosed My Bestfriend Almost Died In My Arms. Now That He Has Survived, I No Longer Exist To Him :(

[Hashi]

Its me who suffered. You can all say I don't have it but...

Firstly, no-one here has said that, although some people have asked you. Only a qualified professional can diagnose you.

Secondly - I'm wondering how to say this. This is a forum for people with PTSD and their supporters, so we get it. At the same time some of us (talking about myself here in particular) might be wary of people identifying with PTSD who haven't been diagnosed. It isn't unreasonable to ask you if you have a diagnosis, or are a supporter of someone who has a diagnosis, considering the rules of this forum. Again, want to repeat that we are in no position to diagnose you. At the same time, you (or anyone else) can't diagnose yourself.

Leaving the forum aside for a moment, I think it's in your own best interests to see a qualified mental health professional who is in a position to make a diagnosis.

so please..do.

Please do what? Jeanine, there's a huge amount of support for you here, potentially, but I don't get what you're saying.

I don't know if you're familiar with the British saying about having a chip on your shoulder. It means, whatever the situation is and whatever is said to you, you're going to go back to Wound Headquarters and respond from there. I'd like to suggest that you bypass any chips on your shoulder and start over.

It seems to me that you helped a friend who is deeply troubled and suicidal, and in the process of helping him while near death may have experienced a trauma which could cause PTSD. That's completely possible. It's also possible that this might be tapping into some previous trauma that could cause PTSD, that has been suppressed until now. It's also possible that you don't have PTSD but are feeling unappreciated by him for being there for him, and very affected by that.

Please don't strike out at me for making these observations. I have no idea which it is, or whether it may be something else. A considered response would be appreciated.

 

[ericaboo]

This sounds a lot like my marriage... my ex-husband has bipolar disorder, and possibly undiagnosed other disorders such as PTSD. He's had an extremely traumatic life.

There were times when he was a genius at making me feel validated and supported. Other times, he could be so cold-hearted, and I honestly don't think he was aware of it. He seemed extremely selfish, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. (nothing)

When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I realized how much his erratic behavior was triggering my condition, and it was just a matter of time before our marriage had to end.

There were many fights and hurt feelings along the way, but in the end, I felt like it was nobody's fault. It was just two ill people who couldn't support each others needs anymore. Sad situation...

The most important thing for me, since then, has been to find "safe" people to be around. By that I mean people who understand that no means no, that have their lives under control, and that will call me on my stuff and will listen to feedback about themselves.

((Hugs))

 

[aj1]

This story has touched my heart. I hope you find the answers you need.

Lifeline, may I send you a direct message?

 

[Lifeline]

Sure, aj1.

 

[Abstract]

I seem to be seeing this a bit differently to most others here.

I think there are at least two different issues here.

The first is that you had a horrible experience that affected you badly and do not even have support from the one person who was there in it with you.

The other I have to say is about this relationship and how you see friendships. There are so many things in what you say that concern me.

You say you wanted something from him as a friend because of your own past and that he could not give it to you ...so you decided to be the friend to him that you wanted him to be to you.

There are lots of red flags here. Friendships should be about what each want to give freely and what each accepts freely. Giving to get something back is not what healthy friendships are about. Often the person on the receiving end can be left feeling controlled, invaded and resentful. Used - which is what is happening.

A lot of caretaking behaviour is about us filling a need we have for ourselves rather than genuine feelings about the person. About the need to be needed, the need to save, the need to be the good one and the hero.

And from what you describe it seems you are playing out your past and he is perefectly fitting in with previous patterns of interaction you have had with your family. And this is before the suicide attempts and other stuff. I would discuss how much of the feelings about your family are surfacing through this relationship.

An important question to ask yourself is why you decided to give him the type of friendship you needed when you realised he could not give it to you.

You then seemed to give yourself a role in his life that he was not asking for and that you needed thanks and endebtedness for regardless.

Please know that. I think he has behaved badly. I just think you need to look at how you ended up where you are.

Helping others when they do not ask for our help is a codependant/caretaking behaviour. As is feeling llet down when we repeatedly give to someone who only takes and yet continue to.

So what I am saying is the horrible experiences of seeing his suicides and waiting for it to happen all the time remain very important regardless and are something important to address and heal. That is the potential trauma. But that the relationship stuff is different and I think you need to look into yoursefl with it.

I suggest you look up about caretaking and have a look at something called The Drama Triangle.

I am glad you are getting counselling and am sorry for the horrible experience of seeing your friend try to take his life. I am also sorry your friends are not able to be there fore you.

 

[HelenB]

I have only just joined this forum but read this thread and have had you in my head so just wanted to reply.

I am sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you. It sounds like the time when you experienced the near death of someone who you obviously care about so much was very traumatic for you and your recent experience of working in intensive care sounds very hard with the memories it will have brought up.

The whole situation with your friend now must also be very hard and in so many ways to me just seems to add to this stress.I wonder how much the current situation where you have lost your friendship due to his rejection may add to feelings you may have had of being so scared to loose him with the suicide attempts and fears you had for his life.

I know from personal experience that it can be very hard when someone we love finds it so hard to accept our love and treats us badly. From what you have said It does not seem that he is deliberately trying to hurt you, but that he is just a very hurting person himself and from what you have said he does not seem capable at the moment to be able to see or understand the things you would be going through.

I really hope that being able to share some of what you are feeling has been able to help you and really hope you are able to get the help you do need. I agree with what one person said about having boundaries in relationships, and though it is hard do know that is so important. No matter how much you love and want to help someone co-dependant relationships do not really help either person, but when you can love and still put in boundaries to protect yourself and the other person it can be so helpful. It sounds as if at the moment he is not ready for that and you need to decide how you need to deal with that if it does change and he does come back but most of all you do need to make sure that it is you who you look after and if you love him (obviously as a friend as you have said) you can still do that without allowing him to treat you so badly and ultimately it will have to be his choice whether he accepts that.

I really do hope that you find you are able to get the support you do need and that you can find peace within your heart about this situation and really face some of the fears and things going on for you with the experiences you have had.

God bless
Helen

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)