My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

I have noticed that it seems like people sometimes aren't responding to what you are saying and actually...

Thanks for the understanding.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think you are a gifted and talented lady. I would miss you.:hug::hug::hug:

Thanks.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm in what is called a "mixed episode" right now with my Bipolar. I am both depressed and manic. This is a pretty awful state of mind to be in. Just saying....

 

[Changing4Best]

One last thing, before I sign off for the morning. I have been addicted to being online since the day I got my 1st computer. I feel overdrawn to it. It beckons me. I can't sometimes prevent myself from logging online, even though I don't want to.

One other thing about it is, that you cannot really hear a tone of voice, see a facial expression, read "body language" or in any way get the extra cues that you can get from being in person with someone. When you are dealing with people who care about you and love you, this is not a problem. However, when you are dealing with (or I should say when *I* am dealing with) people who don't care about me or love me or give a hoot about me, then it is hard to tell what they are really intending by what they are writing.

Then too, people can misinterpret what I am writing and "get" something from it that was not and is not intended. And we go round and round with some kind of negativity that really was not and is not productive.

Also, my moods are driving me up the wall right now, which does not help either. I might interpret what someone is saying in one way, and then when I am in a different mood, interpret it in another way. Same post, seems to mean 2 different things on 2 different days.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, some things are in the works that might improve my life considerably. We shall see. It is out of my hands now, and in the hands of a mutual friend.

Soon my pastor will be here to discuss a lot of things that have been bothering me.

I'm still in a mixed episode. I am somewhat manic and somewhat depressed. I wanted to cry yesterday and I feel like wanting to do so now, but I can't; crying is something I am seldom able to do, even if my life depended upon it, and in a way it does. I need to let go of some deep sorrow, but I can't. The best I can do is that my eyes tear up a bit, but the tears won't come. They don't fall. My eyes are just a little wet is all. And I could not even do that yesterday, when I wanted to cry, so this is an improvement!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am not able to cry either so good luck.:hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm going to HIBERNATE my account here for a week at least. Maybe longer. I will be requesting ADMIN to do this for me. This is to protect the Forum as well as myself, until I can get through this MIXED EPISODE of MANIC and DEPRESSIVE combined. This time, it is a PLANNED vacation from the Forum on my part, not anyone else's.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, my current therapist said she could not help me with what is going on now. She had no advice to offer, other than to say that it is a horrible situation, she agreed with that much of what I said anyway.

So, I am in the process of trying to procure a TRAUMA SPECIALIST. I will be evaluated on the 5th of October, so as to prove to my insurance company that I need the above. Then I will probably have to wait until one is available. How long all of this will take, I have no clue.

I am not doing all that well right now, though I am not doing that badly either. It is kind of one of those things where my mood is somewhere in the middle of the road. I am not angry. I have wanted to cry, but I can't. Crying is so very difficult for me, that I have rarely if ever been able to do it. Abusers and non-abusers alike have made it so very unacceptable for me to cry, that it is nearly impossible for me to do so. Even when I was told by a Dr. that my beloved husband of 23 years was dying, I was not allowed to cry! The Dr. who informed me of this fact was uncomfortable with me breaking into sobs in the middle of the ICU, and made it clear that this was NOT the place for such emotion.

I cried one tear for his death, later on, when it did actually take place. Same with my mother's death. I did sob for 20 minutes when I thought I was in a safe place, after my father had died, only to find out that I was no longer welcome there, "because you cannot control your emotions."

So, since tears are not possible for me, and anger never was, I don't quite know what emotion I am experiencing. However, I am sure, that if anyone were here to hear it or witness it, it would not be welcome or wanted by that person either, so I might as well just not emote. Period.

Sometime, someplace, someone will finally be able to deal with my emotions. I imagine that person will be Jesus. But until then, when I get There, I guess I am out of luck.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, I guess I am doing OK today. I walked to the grocery and the drug store. I bought some things I really needed. That is good self-care, right? So I am happy to say that I did a lot of self-care today, like showering, washing laundry, taking care of an infection, staying in touch with my boyfriend and other friends by phone or PM, waiting for an out of town guest to arrive and looking forward to it. So, I am happy. He is a pastor and the husband of someone who is like a best friend of mine. She is also my prayer partner. So his coming to visit, from 625 miles from here is a real treat! I have not seen him in something like 10 years. Sorry if I ever repeat myself in this diary. I am having memory problems and cannot recall what I have already written about, so please forgive me if I already mentioned that he is coming yesterday.

 

[Changing4Best]

PS. I am glad to see that all of you are reading this. It warms my heart to see all your numbers on it, that you have come and you have cared. Thanks!

 

[Changing4Best]

I read in someone's Trauma Diary that they got "religion shoved down their throat" here on this Forum somewhere. Well, I just want to say that I sometimes get anti-religion shoved down my throat sometimes in life and it is not fun either. In fact, it might be just as upsetting to me, to have that shoved down my throat as it is for someone who is not religious, to have religion shoved down their throat. Both situations are probably equally upsetting to the individuals involved.

I remember when I was a kid, my mother said to me that there were probably 3 topics that I should avoid, in general, when talking with people. They were: sex, religion and politics. Well, I listened to 2 out of those 3 advices, but I guess somewhere my love of Scripture and in general, my love of God, that I have come to later in life, has made it difficult for me to follow my mother's advice 100%! I guess that is just how I am wired these days.

Speaking of taking peoples advices, I got accused of not doing so recently. HMMmmm... I have taken some folks' advices quite often in fact, so I am not sure why that person said that. It really was kind of a critical thing to say to me, especially since it was in the thread in which I purposefully said I don't take criticism well. Like, HELLO! I just love it when people ignore what I say, NOT! LOL...