My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

I keep forgetting that helping others is something that really helps me to feel a lot better, about myself and about life in general. When I am feeling suicidal, I leave off doing these kinds of things. However, even though I feel as if I have nothing to give, when I do help someone, I immediately do feel better. It is just such a hard thing to do when one is so depressed. I feel valueless then, as if I am so far gone that I could not possibly help someone. However, that is not true. Even though I am down in the dumps right now, I did do something to try to help someone. It made me feel a little better about myself. As to whether I really helped or not, only time will tell.

 

[Changing4Best]

Here is a link that resonates with me today:

The thorn of Depression . . . and Grace

 

[Changing4Best]

I keep fearing getting fired for some flimsy reason. Here is why:

I once worked in a photography shop where there was a retired police officer who worked there also. He was the store's "security" because all the cops in town used to stop by all the time and visit to chat with him, so there was often a cop car sitting out front of the shop.

One day, when the owner was chatting with me, he mentioned that 3 women who had used to work there had all quit unexpectedly without any explanation. I packed that away in my mind and forgot about it.

Then one day, when the owner was out buying supplies, the retired police officer made a very sexual invitation to me. There was another police officer visiting him at the time, and it seems to me that he was trying to impress that officer with how "macho" he was. I ignored the remark, but later told the owner about it, saying in essence that I did not want to be treated like that and would he please speak to the other employee and inform him of that. I also said that I suspected that something similar had happened in the cases of the missing women who had quit unexpectedly.

Well! The owner flatly refused to believe me. And not long thereafter, he found a flimsy reason to let me go.

I keep thinking of the situation I now find myself in with having reported the bully to my boss. She said that he claims that I have wronged him too, so she cannot take sides. She held her hands up in the air and kind of shrugged when she said this.

The above situation reminds me of my current situation. I don't think my boss really has any clue what I went through with this bully. I tried to convey it to her, but she is a beautiful woman, probably never got bullied in school and never had a friend who was bullied either. Furthermore, she comes from a family where her father makes a living by making her mother the butt of his jokes he makes on stage as a comedian. So in her eyes, it is totally OK for men to make women the butt of their jokes in public. This is something similar to what the bully did to me, but in the bully's case, it was very mean spirited, and hurt me deeply, to the point that I felt suicidal about it. My boss is totally unaware of what the bully did to me. She thinks he was just "joking around" like her father does to her mother.

So I am stuck feeling like if I make one false move, if I make one minor mistake, I will be toast, and there seems to be nothing I can do to shake this feeling.

 

[Changing4Best]

I just went shopping online. I bought a black tourmaline bracelet with a tiger's eye bead in it too. It is beaded and is 7 inches long. I have small wrists so I am glad that somehow they chose the 7 inch one automatically for me, because I measured my other bracelets and they are even a bit smaller than 7 inches. So anyway, it should fit me well.

Black tourmaline is the stone that protects one against bullying or evil in general. That is what was said somewhere on a crystals website anyway. Also, the seller of the bracelet claims that this stone repels evil and gives the wearer strength. I sure can use both of those things in my life right now, what with this infection I am dealing with and these antibiotics that so drain my strength.

As to what emotion I am feeling right now, it is hope. I had a nice long talk with someone who lives in my building and strengthened my friendship with him. He also works where I work, so it is important for me to have friends where I work. I feel better about my work environment now, that he and I had a chance to talk and just be friendly. I had thought that he was kind of miffed at me for some reason, but if he was, I think that just chatting in a friendly way with him for about 15 minutes solved that, if it existed at all in the first place.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had horrible abdominal pain for awhile. It was maybe like a 7 on the pain scale, where 10 is the worst. It lasted for about half an hour, then went away, thankfully. I was almost tempted to call an ambulance and go to the Hospital, but I sure am glad that I did not do that. The thing that kept me from calling 911 was that the pain kept moving. It did not stay in one place. If it had, I probably would have called.

I have no clue what caused it. I'm sure glad it is gone, but I am a bit concerned about what could have caused it. Since I am on antibiotics, I suppose it might just have been something to do with that. I know that when all the little nasties in your system die off, they can cause bloating, etc. It was probably just something like that.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've been a member here for 5 years now. That is a half a decade. It is a long time. Some healing has taken place here for me for sure, though sometimes things have been upsetting that have happened here too. Sometimes I think I have been misunderstood here, or someone has a different idea of what a particular type of trauma is than I do. I don't ever want to get into "my trauma is worse than your trauma" but I think sometimes mine is less traumatic than that of others here. Then I think of the time that one of my abusers tried to choke me and I say to myself, maybe not. You know, I wanted to die that day, so I didn't even fight him. I had just placed my beloved husband in a nursing home and I was very extremely depressed. This was before I had been diagnosed with Bipolar or PTSD. I let that abuser cut off my air supply and I did not even try to take a breath. I didn't move. I was willing to let him take my life. I think that freaked him out and he finally let go of my neck and stopped squeezing it, because he did not want to give me what I wanted: DEATH. LOL... now thinking about it! If I had fought him, I might have ended up dying that day.

None the less, I am kind of glad I did not die that day. That was before I met Jesus. That was before I ever picked up a Bible or learned anything much about God. I am glad I did not miss out on meeting God. Meeting God makes life worthwhile. Having God in my life has healed me a lot, though there are still days when I am down in the dumps and feeling pretty bad. All the trauma in my life has been what has done that to me. I want to be healed from that. I want to be free of it!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@SheilaKathy...I went through my doubting God period...post EMDR...and trying to heal my body from so many illnesses, medical conditions...and now presently...I'm once again in a wonderful relationship with my Father God. And He loved me even when I was second-guessing and doubting Him...and raging at Him...one of my pastors said just keep talking with Him...even if you are raging. And, I so totally agree that meeting and having this intimate, private relationship with God oh so makes life...so much more worthwhile...gratitude!!!!!!!

Makes me sad when you're manic and/or down in the dumps...I have been both places due to ptsd, adhd, thyroid issues...and I've prayed my butt off...and Father God has been working some mighty health-healing miracles in my life. I've been six or seven days off my cpap machine...and I have stepped out of fear...and into faith and believe with every fiber of my being that God is healing my body...one disease at a time...and this is my private experience...that God is healing me one disease, medical condition at a time.

Someone once told me @SheilaKathy ...at a Christian conference...Don't limit God...and don't give up before the miracle(s) happen...and I'm so glad I did not check out...and that I did not give up. And I'm also glad that you're here...although you do not hear from me alot...I'm here...and am reading your posts...and you've helped during my spiritual trials...thank you. God Bless.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, JJ, your thoughts mean a lot to me, especially the one about not giving up before the miracles happen.

Everyone, I am sitting in the middle of a fungal infection system wide right now. Yes, it started in my toenails. Then it moved to my fingernails. Now I can feel it here and there in my body, even though I am on an antifungal medication and am about 2 weeks into the 42 days I am to take it. My scalp itches. Sometimes my skin itches.... it is so HARD not to scratch! This could drive someone who isn't already crazy insane, but mind you, since I am certified insane, it just makes it that much worse! This all flared up after I had some really strong antibiotics for a sinus infection a month or two ago. It has been building up for awhile now. At first I did not really notice it. Then I started to see that my fingernails were receding. In other words, the nail bed is moving backwards! I did have these sensations like something was biting me there where the nail meets the nailbed. I use Tea Tree oil now, under my nails several times per day to kill it, but really all it does is to control it for awhile and then it comes back. Under my nails, in the nailbeds, it is all red and inflamed. My body is fighting this, but it is not winning so far. SIGH.... so I need a lot of prayers. From everyone who reads this!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Prayers...going up for my friend @SheilaKathy...

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks JJ.

Everyone, I had an interesting thing happen today. I wrote a prayer today that God would help me with this other bully who has been hassling me. He's the one who put his hands on me a couple months ago, coming up from behind and startling me. He's also the one who was bullying my friend a couple of years ago, and who I yelled at for doing so. He left her alone after that.

Anyway, this morning he was saying to everyone that if he were to pass out, that we should put 2 of these pills into his mouth and rub his throat and help them to go down. He held the bottle up and showed it to everyone. Then he put the bottle back in his shirt pocket. He explained this 3 times or so and everyone repeated what he said and made sure they understood him correctly.

So I made a joke and I said, "So we should put one pill in each of your ears, right?" He was all serious and said "No you put the 2 pills in my mouth." So I smiled and I said, "In other words, you can dish it out, but you can't take it, right?" He smiled back.

For the rest of the day he did not hassle me at all! I mean, he behaved himself, unlike his usual nasty self. He teased others, but not me! I think I "got" him this time. He was not expecting that.

But I will not take credit for this. It was totally God's doing. I asked God to help me handle whatever this bully dished out to me today, and I believe God came up with the words I said to him. I believe this because I am not really a person who jokes around much. I don't tease people. I don't even really know HOW to tease people! But God does (He knows everything!!!), so He taught me how!!! I am totally amazed.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have a tough time dealing with people being sarcastic to me. I have had 2 people be sarcastic to me this week and I am THROUGH with this kind of treatment. I put one of them in her place today and she kind of apologized to me, not about being sarcastic, but said she was sorry that I felt the way I did, which was exhausted because I am on antibiotics for 42 days.

I probably have mentioned, but I have Lyme Disease and when I get an infection, I often get a secondary infection from the antibiotics I have to take for it. I had a sinus infection awhile back, so now I am taking antifungals for a nail infection. It is digging down under my nails and eating away at the nail beds, UGH! This is because my immune system is very weak from fighting the Lyme Disease for so long.

So she had asked me to go into a store for her and I told her that I wasn't up to it today. Then, when I came back out of the store with only a small bag, she got all sarcastic about how MUCH I had bought (in other words, why could I not have also bought something for her). Someone else had already asked me to help another of our passengers, and it was like just ONE TOO MANY THINGS for me to also help her, so I had turned her down.

I am exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap when I got home and I am still tired. I am also hurting. My nails hurt. I don't know if the medicine is even working, or if the nail infection is getting worse. It is hard to tell. All I know is that I felt some INTENSE itching under my nails as well as some pain too. This could mean the medicine is working, or it could mean that the fungus is getting out of control and getting worse.

I have had Lyme Disease since 1985 or so, maybe longer. I nearly died from it in 1990. I have been through this so many times I have lost count. The last thing I needed today was for someone to place demands upon me and then get sarcastic when I was unable to meet those demands. SHEEEESH!

The other person who got sarcastic to me is our maintenance man. He is a really lazy man who takes his sweet time to get to ANYTHING except mowing the lawns. We have needed a new washer and a new dryer in the laundry room for a long time. So when I saw him on Sunday, I told him that we need a new washer and a new dryer. He got all sarcastic, "thanking" me for my "opinion" and went on to tell me about how "someone" had written him a nasty note about this already (meaning me) and so I made sure to tell him that I had not written any such note, several times over.

Now my sink is leaking and I put a note under the office door to that affect, so I hope he can at least compare the notes and see that my writing is different than whosever's it was who wrote the nasty note. None the less, it will probably take a ACT OF GOD to get him to fix my sink. So if you are reading this, please pray for all of us here in this building, because the manager is in the hospital and she sure won't be telling him to do anything any time soon. The last time she was in the hospital, she didn't show up for several months afterwards and of course, during that time, not much work was done around here....

Also, even when she is here, not much gets done anyway. Her excuse is that this is "a low income building" and "what do you expect?" I never did get around to answering that question of hers, because I am a little slow with "snappy comebacks" but my answer would be, "The same treatment that anyone else gets who lives in any other building!"

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What can I say, some people are weird sometimes, Prayers for your healing :hug: