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My bipolar moods (with severity)

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My boss did a weird thing this week. We had the October birthday party for everyone with an October birthday, and it was the bully's birthday this month. Normally she gives a piece of cake to each birthday person and it has a candle on it and the person makes a wish and blows out the candle. Then she usually asks the guy who leads exercise to lead the HAPPY BIRTHDAY song, but since he was out delivering Meals on Wheels, she asked ME to lead it! Like is she crazy, or what? She knows that the bully is not willing to speak with me. She knows that I have been upset by his bullying, teasing and picking on me (before he wrote me off and stopped speaking with me) and I have also told her that I was told that he hates me. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING!?!

Well, I did what I had to do. She is my boss, and even though she used a sarcastic voice when she spoke my name when she asked me to sing it, I did so. I thought the word BULLY in my mind, as I said his name in the song though, because his name is Bill and BULLY is so similar that it occurred to me that Billy and Bully only have one letter difference in their spellings.

One friend of mine, when I told her this story, thought that my boss had malicious intent by asking me to do this. Another thought that maybe she was hoping that he and I might reconcile. I have no clue what she was thinking, but since she called me "Miss" Sheila when she asked me to sing it, and she has never called me that before, I had to wonder, especially since she said the word "Miss" with a bit of sarcasm in her voice. Just a bit. Not dripping with it or anything, just enough so I would catch it and maybe no one else would. I am not sure. I have not discussed it with anyone who was there, and I won't be discussing it there or outside there either with anyone who was there either.

However, my therapist told me that writing is a great tool and to use it often, so that is what I am doing here. Writing this! I am curious as to my boss's intent upon doing this. CURIOUS at a 9 or so! I just don't understand it. If she had malicious intent, I forgive her. If she was hoping for a reconciliation, well, we sang the HAPPY BIRTHDAY song for me too, and I got my candle to blow out, but the bully sits right behind me, like maybe 3 feet away from me. He did NOT sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. I did NOT hear his voice. So if she was hoping for reconciliation, it did not happen is all I can say.
 
I have a lot on my mind today. I have had some thoughts that I wish I had not had. They are no longer plaguing me, so I won't bother to share them. Going to church helped me a lot and the unwanted thoughts went away.
 
I just wrote a long letter to God. In it I could see a troubling pattern in my life, that only He can solve. I have asked Him to help me with this problem, as it is a deep seated problem that has come up over and over again in my life. It is more complicated than I can explain here. The letter I wrote to God about it was 8 handwritten school pages long. I put the letter into my God Box. Now it is in God's hands.
 
I called the Mobile Crisis Unit and they are coming to interview me. I have been having SI.... most of the day, except while I was at church. There is something wrong with my meds. I am needing to take 3 salt/potassium tabs per day to keep from passing out. I have been told that is is my meds that are causing this, by an MD friend of mine. Also, the last time I was at the ER, my blood sodium level was low, too low. That almost was causing me to pass out. This most recent med has made it that I need 3 salt tabs per day, just to keep from passing out! I cannot live like this any longer, not to mention all that has gone wrong at work. Basically, so you know, the bully has turned everyone at work, just about everyone anyway, including my boss, against me. I cannot deal with this the way it is. I don't know what to do, so I called Mobile Crisis. I did not know what else to do.

Someone that I know and have talked to on the phone from there before is coming. I am glad that it is someone who knows my case. That makes it easier to talk about.
 
I was hospitalized, of course. They took me off most of my meds. No more arthritis medicine. No more stomach meds. No more Clonazepam. (It causes early onset Dementia a new study shows!!!) So I am on a new bunch of meds and am off more of them than that. I need to buy some Maalox as it is the only stomach med I am allowed.

I don't really want to write much about my stay there other than to say that it was probably the best Psych Unit I have ever been on. We addressed my anger over my work situation. I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, on top of all my other dx.

I'm doing better, that is all you need to know. I still have a ways to go. However, the major problems have been worked on at least to a workable degree. I also met some really NICE folks from my county and we traded phone numbers and such. That part was really nice!
 
One of these new medicines makes me feel dizzy. I hate this. There is always some side affect or other that is annoying. I do take my meds though, I know how important it is.

We have Bible Study tonight. I missed last week. I have a ride, thankfully. Folks are just so nice about that. I almost always can get a ride to church functions. My church is the best!
 
My boyfriend is on his way over. I am kind of nervous. He has never been here in my apartment before. We have been dating for about a year. He is a kind and gentle person and all, but I wonder what he will think of my mess? (grin).

What I am nervous about is that I really do NOT want to discuss my recent Hospital visit AT ALL. Period. It is none of anyone's business. I will be nice, but firm on this. I just hope that he does not get too full of questions. I have told him that I have mental illness, but I have not said which ones. (I have 3 diagnoses now; I had 2 before this last stay). Major Depressive Disorder was just added to the group.
 
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