My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

I guess you can see that I am getting more into real life and less into online life. That is a planned thing. I have realized that at times my online life has seemed more real than my real life. That had to change. It was not healthy.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a wonderful appointment with my new psych medical practitioner. She changed some of my meds, including off the Ambien and onto Lunesta. When I told her about how I had gained 60 pounds in 4 months on Zyprexa, she saw the light, especially since I mentioned that I have a problem with middle of the night eating even before she put me on the Ambien. So that is handled. I just hope I don't have any allergic reactions to all these new meds!

My nephew got a new kitten. She was out in the neighborhood. She and her litter mates all got rescued by my nephew and a friend of his. They each kept one and then took the others to the shelter. His mom does things like that all the time too. He named the kitten Meryl. She is a Siamese and is mostly black. I am so happy for him. His old can died not long ago and he was really missing her, so this new one should help him a lot and he her.

 

[Changing4Best]

So far so good with the new meds. I am trying something tonight called MidNite which is a sleep aid that is chewable and was recommended by my psych person. It has melatonin and herbs in it.

 

[Changing4Best]

A few things were said today that were upsetting to me so I gave them over to God, where they belong. No more complaining! I have decided. Complaining does not solve a thing.

 

[Changing4Best]

My boss did something really nice for me today, slowing down the calling of the Bingo numbers for me, so that I could handle it and play the game. That was really nice of her and it made me feel loved. I am happy about this. And grateful too! It shows that she does care about me. That is really important to me. I said, "Thank you, Sweetie." to her in response to this, which I hope conveyed my feeling toward her, calling her "Sweetie." (Like that was sweet of her).

 

[Changing4Best]

I guess I should explain why it is necessary for her to do this for me. I am dyslexic and I am also reading someone else's Bingo card up-side-down as well as my own card which is right-side-up, of course. Plus I am doing a few other things too. Anyway, it was very considerate of her to slow down the game a bit so I could handle all this and play too.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've decided not to talk about something that upset me awhile back any longer. Talking about it with others just stirs it up again. Then I get all upset about it again. So I am putting it to rest. It is time to move on. Someone kind of asked me about it all today that has not seen me in a month, so that was why I had discussed it again. No good comes from stirring up old troubles. The mind just wants to churn then, which is not healthy!

 

[Changing4Best]

I have a friend who likes to do coloring and artistic stuff. I like to crochet too. And I ordered some watercolors from Amazon. Also the paper for them and some watercolor pencils. I decided that even if my hands cannot do what they used to do, it is better to do some creative stuff than to do none at all, which is what I had decided awhile back during one of my down periods. I had made that decision because I was so frustrated with what I can do now compared with what I used to be able to do way back when, when my hands were not numb and arthritic. I may not be able to do much, but I am happy to say I can still crochet anyway! I love the bright colors of the yarn. I actually made a Christmas present for someone. She had mentioned a "nose warmer" and I had never heard of such a thing, so I asked her to describe it. When she did, I made her one. Now I just have to find out if I understood her description or not!

 

[Changing4Best]

One other funny thing I wanted to share today. I hang around with a bunch of folks on Monday evenings that have a little saying that goes like this: "If you spot it in others, you have it yourself." They shortened this to "If you spot it, you got it." Short and sweet and to the point. I had to laugh. I think this probably just about applies to everyone. Me too, of course. I confess that even *I* picked on a little girl once when I was maybe 6 years old. I called her names and teased her. I paid the price too. She sure got even with me! She was maybe only 4. So, I learned from that experience not to be a bully. However, yes, I was a bully once in my life. So yeh, I can spot it in others, because I was once it myself! So, folks, if you spot it, you got it!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I've been writing some poetry of late. It feels good. They told me at the Hospital to write write write... so I have been doing all kinds of writing. I told my medical practitioner that I have this diary that I write in and she was pleased about that.

I broke up with my boyfriend today. It was a combination of things. My health and his demands were clashing. He started to drink more than just that one 3 oz. glass of wine per day. You know, the one that Dr.s recommend? I could smell it on his breath the last time I was with him. I tried to "give him the benefit of the doubt" but I could not. I have been hurt too badly by alcoholics in the past. I could not take the chance. Also, I think he may have stolen something from me. I am not sure, but I am about 90 % sure and that was enough for me to break all ties.

I sat elsewhere in church today, after giving him a "Dear John" card. He seemed to accept it quite well. I have been refusing to answer all his calls since Tues. and did not answer my door when he knocked, so I assume he knew what was coming.

He had pressured me so many times to get married. I always thought that was his aim still too. He was just letting it slip into the background for awhile, but I knew sooner or later he would start to pressure me about it again. I felt this because he started calling me more often than he had been and was wanting to come and visit more often too. I felt pressured and I am a very sensitive person, so I could "feel" a lot more than what was said or done.

Something felt "off" for me too, for awhile now. The relationship just didn't seem right to me for some odd reason here or there. So I ended it. That is it. I am not going back to it, and I hope he does not do anything stupid like show up where I work drunk and tell me off or something. I hope he does not tell others about my private life either, because since we were dating for a year or so, he (of course) knows about my mental illness. I may have mentioned it in passing here or there, but he knows a lot more details than anyone else I mentioned it to.

I tried to make it about me and my health. I did not accuse him of anything, mostly because I was not sure of any of what I suspected, (though almost sure). I just told him that a relationship was too much for me and that I thought that it always would be too. I thanked him for everything when I gave him the card. Then I went up into the church balcony and sat alone. I did not cry or anything although I did feel a bit sad.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry but I think you made the right choice for you.:hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

I bought an "English Grammar For Dummies" book. I have never really learned how to use a comma before. (You may have noticed that). [grin] Anyway, now I have to try to figure it all out, not that I really am a dummy, just someone with Dyslexia who was always behind in my early school years because of it. I finally caught up when I was in 6th grade, as to reading level, but I don't think I ever caught up in grammar or spelling. Sure, I know what a noun and a verb are, for the most part. However, going much past that and I lose something of the translation. I'm not certain of what I am doing.

The "For Dummies" books have a way of making things less complicated. However, you do have to have some smarts to understand them. I have been rescued from disaster several times by them. For instance, I have one about fish aquariums. My fishies are doing fine! Even a 9 day hospital stay did not kill them, in fact, I think they were no worse for the wear. (A friend did feed them, but that was all).

One of the principles I learned from that book is that you can overdo it with fish tanks. Fussing with them too much can be detrimental. I don't really do that much with mine. The water is clearer than drinking water though. It looks pretty pure....