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My bipolar moods (with severity)

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Sometimes when someone gets angry with me, I close my ears, shut off their tirade and ignore them. If it is in writing, I don't finish reading it. I just press "delete" or I close out what is written and go do something else. I deal with criticism more or less the same way. So I can miss something, even though I got the gist of what was being said.

My molester was famous for sending "hate mail." We would all get some letter that basically said that we were being cut out of a will, or that we were evil or some such. It was he that was evil, not us. So we would toss it in the garbage, half read, not bothering to finish reading what was going to just be some more hatred.

Who needed it!

Not me, that was for sure. We disowned him eventually. We refused his communications. When I say we, I mean myself and my family. (My parents, uncle and aunt, cousins, sibling and other distant relatives). None of us wanted anything to do with him. We all agreed on that!

So, if I get a nasty letter or email or something from someone, I usually deal with it more or less as I did with his hate mail. That is just what I learned to do as a youngster and what I have carried on doing all my many years. He is long dead, of course. I suppose I do not need to react to angry mail in this way any longer, but it is hard to change my ways at this stage in life. Besides, I very rarely get hate mail or nasty letters anyway. I can go years without one. None the less, old habits die hard.
 
Way to go on applying for financial assistance. I did that today too. And prayers winging their way to you as well.:hug:
 
I got news yesterday that my Medicare (health insurance) premium will be paid for the next year again, so I am so relieved.

I have some sort of thing going in in my throat or something. A lot of mucus is coming up and I cannot cough it all up either. I do not know if I am technically "sick" or not, but at least I have no fever. For that I am thankful.
 
I forget if I mentioned, I found a camera in a catalog that I can pay for at a rate of $25 per month. I am awaiting news on my financial assistance application to see if I qualify for it. If I do, and I can budget the camera in, I just might be able to get some images going of my art. I did 2 paintings yesterday. The quality is getting better sometimes, (sometimes not) and it depends, I think, on whether my hands are swollen or not. I can tell this by how they feel, but also my rings will be tight. Sometimes when my rings are loose, I think I can paint better. They are tight this morning and the painting I did this morning is not that good). I have no control over when this happens though. I have a heart condition from all the times I have had carditis. (Inflamation of the heart). That happened due to the Lymem Disease. It all ties in. I guess how much salt I consume probably affects it also. Too little, and I end up in the ER with Low Blood Sodium levels and too much, well, you get the idea.
 
Speaking of sodium blood levels, I just stood up from my chair and got the telltale colors in my eyes that indicate my sodium level is low. My rings are about normal right now on my hands, so I am not sure how to think about all this. I do not want to take a salt/ potassium tablet, if I don't need one, but I don't want to pass out either. Maybe I can eat some popcorn. A moderate amount of salt should help!
 
Yes, it could be an allergy. It comes and goes.

Anyway, it is almost 2am and I am tired, but not sleepy, if that makes any sense? We have snow and I am excited to get out into it tomorrow and enjoy it. We get snow maybe 2-3 times a year, for a day or 2 each time, so it is time to play. :) ;)
 
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I had a good therapy session just now. We looked at a lot of things. I've been doing a lot of paintings and I also wrote down a few of the things I have said here and shared them with her, like the QUESTIONS FOR MY RAPIST that I wrote on that thread. I am glad that thread was started, it really made me think. She was glad I shared that with her. It basically told her what happened without my having to have described the whole thing in detail for her.

She asked me about my goals in therapy. All I could say was that I did not ever want to be without a therapist! (I was afraid that she was looking for what we should accomplish so that we could end therapy and that is not what I want at all!)
:wideeyed::confused::banghead::bag::stop:
 
I have been feeling some emotions today that I don't want to feel. Some of them are based in reality, but some of them are just Bipolar ups and downs I think, because I am feeling grief right now and although it might have something to do with a phone call I missed today, (and my fears about that) it feels like it is not based in any kind of real reality. If it is based in reality at all, it is loosely attached to some fearful projections into future worst case scenarios. I do that a lot. My mind conjures up such a bunch of awful fears that could maybe barely possibly come true and then worries me to death about this. I probably have mentioned this several times. I know it is a kind of black and white thinking and is unhealthy, but I can't seem to stop it from happening. My mind is for the most part out of my control when it starts to do this. It just takes off running and runs ahead of me, dangling awful images in front of me like the opposite of the carrot being dangled in front of the donkey to make it go. Only in this case, the fears stop me dead in my tracks. I freeze up with fear.

I know that sometimes crocheting helps relieve this, so I will go do that now. (Or maybe paint).
 
Some days being alone is troublesome. I did spend 20 some odd years of my life with my husband, and there are some days I just feel like I should still be with a man. Other days I feel like I must be crazy to think that. Men have caused me a lot of trouble throughout my life. Even my husband had his flaws, but they were livable. Let's just say that none of the other men in my life came anywhere close to him and how valuable he was to me and we'll leave it at that.

I ran into a man on the street today. He was looking for a girl he had not seen in 3 years. He said he had not been here in 3 years. I got the impression he might have been "on the inside" for 3 years. Just a hunch... none the less, he seemed to be the kind of person I would have liked to have gotten to know better. He was Native American. He was handsome. There was something about him that intrigued me. He was just the kind of guy I would have fallen for when I was younger. He seemed kind of ageless and timeless. I could not say what his age was now that I think back on the short conversation we had. All I can say though is that it is best that I walked off (he asked me if I needed a ride, but I refused). I do not get into trucks with strangers! What little sense I sometimes have, in terms of watching out for my own safety is still intact, I will say. None the less, there was a part of me that wanted very much to accept that ride that was offered. Like I said, I need a man in my life, I guess. I suppose I better admit it!

However, he needs to be the right man. A believer. Not an addict or alcoholic, financially independent and a kind-hearted, caring, loving soul. I'd like it also if he were intelligent because, well, I am not being proud or anything, but I am not a stupid person, even though I do dumb things sometimes, just because I have lead such a sheltered life in some ways. Still, I am getting wiser in my old age. That is why I walked away today. Self preservation! My heart was heavy though, as I did so.

So, for instance, if my man were to be computer savvy and able to handle finances really well, I would be pleased! I'm not the best at these things, let's just say. I can manage, but I need some help sometimes. I'd love it if he were knowledgeable about Theology and Science too, astronomy especially. I am into that. (Not astrology). That is a whole 'nother ballgame! I guess that who and what he is though, is really up to God. The Lord knows better what I need in a man than I do. I'm thinking I know what I need, but really, I probably don't! LOL...
 
I had a great therapy session today. We are going over current life stuff right now, especially since I had a panic attack this week. I am doing much better now.

I have been doing an average of one little painting a day, writing on the backs of them what they are about. I let her see them and then I take them back. I will be hanging them on my walls eventually. I found this really cool frame that holds 16 of them and has the word LOVE on it here and there too. It is in a catalog and I will hopefully buy it next month, so I can display 16 of my best paintings.
 
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