My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Nessa7]

Reading your journal has been really interesting to me. I started going to a community center at the beginning of the summer that has support groups for people with mental illnesses. A few of the other women my age were picking on me, and it was weird to suddenly feel like I was back in high school. I haven't started going there again after having a bad experience with a t that rents office space there, but it has been interesting reading about someone that is going through a similar situation.

 

[Changing4Best]

I so wish these things had not happened to you @Nessa7 and I wish we could both just go to our respective groups or places and experience being welcomed and loved. That was how it had been where I work for many years, before this person showed up and is rocking the boat. I am sure, as well, that I am not the only person who does not appreciate his "humor." However, no one else speaks up at all! I am puzzled by this.

 

[Nessa7]

Maybe more people will feel comfortable speaking up after the lecture on bullying. It can be hard to speak up when it looks like nothing is being done to stop the behavior, so it might help reassure them that they will be taken seriously if they do complain.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am hoping that will be the case. I know there were others who were tight lipped on the day of the field trip that were not pleased with the color of the conversations in the back of the bus. You could see it on their faces or tell it from the tone of their voices. One woman made a point of mentioning that she had been a truck driver for many years. That was her way of saying that she had heard it all before. The offender didn't take any hints though. He used that to insult her, to which she ignored him, and then go right on doing what he had been doing. @Nessa7

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, today was basically a good day. Since this is a Trauma Diary, you might wonder why I would even mention that. Well, my cortisol levels have been super high lately and they still are. I am not sleeping well, due to this Bed Bug problem in our building, even though I personally do not have this problem in my own apartment. I have poisoned my apartment to within an inch of its life, and probably myself also, so I don't feel that well, to put it mildly.

I have used 3 poisons in here. One made by RAID, before I heard about the one that uses NEEM OIL and then I used this D. Earth powder too. My eyes are hurting because of that last. But it is the NEEM OIL that is keeping me awake at night, due to its rather strong smell. It is plant based, but it is a very strong odor. Also, just the thought of any kind of bug anywhere near here at all, a kind of bug that sucks blood, does get to me mentally deeply. It gives me a the heeby geebies. You know, the creepy crawlies. That is due to my having had Lyme Disease since 1985 or so, you know, the one where you get bitten by a deer tick, you get a bull's eye rash and then all hell breaks loose in your body. In my case, this was compounded, because it went into my heart and since it is an infection, I nearly died from it in 1990. It took 8 Dr.s to diagnose me. The first 7 had the nerve to say that nothing was wrong with me, so by the time I got to the 8th one, I was in pretty bad shape. Like I had to be hospitalized and given intravenous antibiotics.

So even though the Health Department says that Bed Bugs are not a major health risk, that they are not known to carry diseases, it occurs to me that if one bit me and then bit someone else, GUESS WHAT? That person could get Lyme Disease! I suspect this anyway, because I was told NEVER to donate blood or I would give Lyme Disease to whoever received it!!!

SO I am NOT in a good mood today. I am tired, cranky and just plain not feeling well mentally, physically or otherwise. I have no rating for this feeling, it just is.

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel judged, every time a certain person says something to everyone in my group. I feel like because the person has criticized me in the past, that everything the person says now, even though it is said to the whole group, is directed at me personally and is meant to be some kind of statement in response to whatever I have said to the group in the recent past. This is probably NOT the case. However, I am having a hard time convincing myself of that possibility. Instead, I just feel judged. Condemned. Looked down upon.... no matter how much I try to tell myself it isn't so. This is how it FEELS. I am having a tough time shaking that feeling. In fact, I cannot shake it. It lingers.... at like an 8.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am having a tough time of it on several fronts. I bought some Bed Bug Killer, which it turns out I am allergic to. It irritates my eyes and causes other discomforts too. Since it is a very fine powder, it is in the air of my apartment and on my sheets and so on, even though I did not spray it in the air nor spread it on my sheets. I have changed my sheets and bedspread twice in the last 2 days. I don't have any more bed spreads to put up. I am terrified of the laundry room in our building and the laundromat next door, because folks can take their bedding and wash them there and then transfer the bugs to ME! I have no vehicle, so I cannot go to another town to do my laundry. I k now that one has to wash all their stuff in HOT WATER and dry it on the highest heat setting. I did do that with my laundry this week. However, doing it at the Laundromat is more expensive and I am not living on much more than just my SOcial Security and a tiny pay check that amounts to maybe another $180 per month as well. In otherwords, I am poor. I have a bit of savings. Still, not enough to live for more than a month or so at the present spending levels.

I am also highly concerned that if I should get bed bugs, that my Lyme Disease might be communicable to others, should one that bites me bite someone else!!! Lyme Disease is not something I would wish upon an enemy, let alone some unsuspecting soul who lives next door to me. I am uncertain what to do about this even. I have been in touch with a Dr. friend today, but forgot to ask him if this might be something that should be considered in all of this. I just don't know! I do know that I am not allowed to donate blood, because if I do, whoever it is given to would get Lyme Disease. It is an awful thing to have and is a very serious illness that never goes away. I would feel awful if somehow through this whole thing, someone were to get it from me.

On other fronts, I spoke with someone (a man) at church about my bullying problem, in specifics, the issue of sexually colored jokes and off color humor and what he thinks of such things. He said, among other things, that we have to live "in community with everyone, even those we don't want to be in community with." I know he is right. I have prayed for the man who talks about all these things so often, asking God for "health, well being, sanity, happiness and success in life." I have prayed that this situation will be resolved without any harm coming to him or anyone else who has joined him in this type of talk. I have asked the Senior Center Director for help on this issue, and help is on its way. However, I am still upset by it all. I feel violated and my personal space has been intruded by things that I don't want in my space. I hate being bothered by all this, but I am.

Jesus said in the Bible that we will have trouble in this world, but to be of good cheer, because He has overcome the world. I just wish that He'd overcome some of my current trouble. Troubles seem to be overwhelming me at this point and I am at a loss as to how to handle all of it. I am OVERWHELMED to the point of EXHAUSTED. I am overstressed out. And all of this feeling is at a 10. I just don't know what else to do.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm not really a jealous person, so Chapter 9 was interesting, but didn't do a lot for me. I can see times in my past where jealousy has played a role. However, I think God has cured that from me sometime ago. I am so grateful for that!

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a relatively good day. I had some good laughs, did everything I was supposed to do and basically could say this was an UNTRAUMATIC day. I don't recall being stressed out in the slightest today, a rather unusual occurrence, actually! Also, my new bed quilt arrived in the mail. It is 100% cotton and most likely can be washed and dried in hot water, which is something that I kind of need these days, what with BED BUGS in our building (but thankfully not in my apartment at least)! Also, today, the apartments that did have BED BUGS were treated by the exterminator, so I am hoping they got them all and this will be the end of the BED BUG NIGHTMARE. I pray!

 

[Changing4Best]

I did today what was one of the toughest things I have ever felt I had to do. I spoke to a the bully who HATES me and told him about my calendar that had a notation about VJ Day on it yesterday. I tried to show it to him too, but he sat there like a stone and shunned me, as he has done since that day long ago now, when I simply said, "I am not in the mood to be teased today," As a result of what I said, we all got that lecture at the Senior Center that a person has the right to attend without being teased that I have mentioned before, I am sure. I did not say this even to this man, I said it to someone else who was teasing me! (He had been teasing my right before that though).

Anyway, long story short, since that day, months ago now, he has not spoken to me at all. So, he ignored me today, as usual. However, I was trying to be nice, as he had been upset yesterday on VJ Day that nothing was on the news about it, and no one had said anything about it. (He served in WW II, and VJ DAY is the day Japan surrendered, in case no one knows). Anyway, I tried. I can't make him like me or forgive me. I can't change him. I can't change what happened as a result of my remark. I simply tried to be kind to him today, to show him that I don't hate him like he hates me. (I've been told that he hates me since that day I said that).

All I can do is try, the rest is up to him and God. It is in God's hands now!

I felt kind of defeated after I did this. However, I called one of my closest friends and she gave me a pep talk. She also said she was proud of me. She knows I did the right thing, to show him that some folks still do care about that day and what it means and recognize what he did. I tried to do the right thing. Maybe somehow I touched his stony heart, I don't know. Only time will tell....

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm a bit concerned about this Solar Eclipse. You see, we here in the area where I live are expecting about 30,000 folks to come to see the show that God will put on, on Monday. That is great, except our experts say that these people could empty our water reservour and that would be a disaster! I have stocked up on some gallons of distilled water. I also have stored some tap water. However, I really don't know what to think about the whole situation. Really, it might boil down to nothing. There may be nothing alarming that comes from it at all. None the less, not having water until they can figure out how to get some to us sounds like a pretty awful possibility to me! So I am ALARMED at a 7 or so. And praying a lot to God for mercy for my little town of less than 2,000 folks here in the mountains.

 

[Changing4Best]

The lead bully made a snide comment today that "management should be doing this" but I could feel that it was directed at me. One of the last things he ever said to me, was that he does not speak to management. In other words, to me. Because from that point on, he has not spoken to me. Actually, what he was complaining about today was NOT my job! My job is very limited and very specific to one person. I am responsible for that person only, and only on a very limited scale. It is not my job to get something for him that he needs, like Bingo chips. That is something he is totally capable of doing for himself, for crying out loud! He is such a child. I think that is his real problem. He has never grown up.

Bullying is something that children do. Those that carry it forward into adulthood, I think, have never grown up completely. Sure, the subject matter of their bullying may "mature" a bit, (ie it becomes sexual in nature) but really, even 12 year olds bully girls on that issue somehow at a very basic level. They might not know what they are talking about completely, but they have some kind of notion about it. Their bullying is heading in that direction anyway.

Back to this bully today though. In actuality, he has some kind of resentment toward persons in minor positions of authority, due to something that happened to him in the service. A Jr. Officer gave him an order that was in direct opposition to what a Sr. Officer in the Army had told the whole group to do. He disobeyed the Jr. Officer's orders and was given a Court Marshal. Eventually, because he had the papers with the Sr. Officer's orders on them, he was exonerated and the Jr. Officer was actually Court Marshalled and expelled from the Army. (I overheard him tell this story once, so I know).

So, since I am in a very Junior position where I work, but still in some kind of position of minor authority, he equates me with a kind of Jr. Officerish kind of position where I work. And his resentment toward me is sometimes dripping from his snide comments.

What emotion do I feel on this? I feel PITY for him, really. That he is still stuck in this incident from the past, that he harbors so much hatred for me, who really has done him no harm, is sad. I feel SORRY FOR HIM, that he has so much resentment in his heart that he has to lash out at me, give me the silent treatment and in general even jump aside so as to avoid me if I happen to walk toward him and walk to close to him. I mean, really? Is he THAT affected by me?? I clearly think he sees me as someone other than who I really am. He is HAUNTED by that other person, still, after some 50 years later???

I have not thought, until this morning actually, that he is probably mentally ill in some way. I am not sure what his diagnosis is, nor if he even has been diagnosed, but truly, I feel great PITY for him, at a kind of 6 or 7 or so.