My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

Today was a great day at work. I was very pleased about something my client did that showed me he was having a good day. That really made my day. I am so happy for him, at an 8 and for me too!

 

[Changing4Best]

I find that when I get criticized, especially when I don't feel I am doing anything wrong, I tend to go right on doing whatever it is that someone is demanding I stop doing. Interestingly, in one instance recently, I am a leader of a group, along with one other person who is also the group's leader, and I am being criticized left and right by one of the group's members for something that is clearly not against the rules within the place that we all are gathered. If it were against the rules, actually, I would not be there. Period. However, since it is not against the rules, I feel I have the right to continue doing what I am doing. None the less, I have paused for a bit, until the other person who is in charge with me can catch up on what is going on and make the final call. WAITING is something that is sometimes difficult. I try to be patient. Patience is something to strive for in this world. So I am being as PATIENT as I can, at a 5.

 

[Changing4Best]

"7 As you go, preach, saying, 'The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!' 8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers , and cast out demons. Freely you received, so freely give. ....11 Into whatever city or village you enter, find out who in it is worthy; and stay there until you go on. 12 As you enter into the household, greet it. 13 If the household is worthy, let your peace come on it, but if it isn't worthy, let your peace return to you. 14 Whoever doesn't receive you, nor hear your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake off the dust from your feet. 15 Most certainly I tell you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment than for that city."
Matthew 10:7-15 World English Bible (The quotable uncopyrighted Bible from Wikipedia)

I take this Bible Scripture to heart today, as I consider the events of the last few days. For those who have rejected me, it is really God they have rejected, not I. I will not feel rejected. I will take to my soul God's peace and love and I will not feel in the least bit cast aside. God holds me in the palm of His hand, and He is not letting go of me! (Nor I of Him).

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh, and just for the record, when someone says they want to see "No XYZ" somewhere, that means ZERO of that something is supposed to be there according to them. That is how I interpret the word "no" in that instance. If there is some other definition of the word "no" that I am unfamiliar with, please forgive me! (Yes, even I can use a bit of humor now and then...).

 

[DharmaGirl]

Sheila, I hope you aren't referring to the private happiness challenge, because no one ever said no to anything to you. By posting these vague things, I tend to think you are referring to me, and I would rather have you say my name and what I did, rather than be vague, and have me not be able to defend myself, if it is me you are talking about.

 

[Changing4Best]

Nope, not referring to you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thanks, I always think everyone is referring to me. It is something I'm working on.

 

[Changing4Best]

I sometimes have the problem also! A friend told me not to take stuff so personally, and it has not been as bad since then.

 

[DharmaGirl]

That's good advice. Do you want me to break that guy's kneecaps for you? (Just joking)

 

[Changing4Best]

Um, there are times I wish someone would break his kneecaps, but only momentarily. I am not generally a violent person, but some people can stretch my limits to the max. I was only violent once in my life, with a bully, when I was 12. He ended up in the hospital! I did not get in trouble though. He was too embarrassed, I think, to admit that a "girl" beat him up. None the less, I was later shocked to think that I could have caused so much damage.

Anyway, since then, I have vowed to myself that violence is not the answer. I have lost my temper a few times, but really, I rarely even allow myself that luxury. It could lead to the violent side of me, and I do not want to get anywhere close to that!

SO we can leave his kneecaps intact, it is OK. :)

 

[Changing4Best]

It seems that, for whatever reason, I missed something that someone said, or I forgot about the fact that they said it. This person is now upset with me, and I can do nothing about it. Some days life is just like that. We all make mistakes. I am human, so is this other person. Disagreements happen. Life goes on....

 

[Changing4Best]

I realize that I have been at the high end, for the most part, of my Bipolar for a few weeks now. Sometiems I don't realize this right away, so I cannot at all compensate for it. I have realized that for the last several nights, I forget how many now (as my memory is going) I have not been getting enough sleep. I had been doing really good, getting enough sleep, I think, until about a week ago. I am not sure though. Memory on this is foggy.

Anyway, when this happens, I have to remember, that I am not only dealing with this, but also all of my other many ailments. These include, but are not limited to, 4 exposures to Lyme Disease (a bacterial infection that is from deer tick bites). It has over 200 symptoms, one of which is also mood swings, so my Bipolar high can be exasperated by this. Then, I have arthritis from this disease, which causes a lot of aches and pains that move around my person. I was born dyslexic, so I sometimes reverse words and letters. I also have it with hearing and speech, so it affects my communications on all levels, written, oral, incoming and outgoing. UGH! (I have to proofread a lot).

Let's not get into my cPTSD too much other than to say that is comes from childhood molestations from multiple men, physical abuse both as a child and an adult, a repeated adult rape and 25 or so years having been involved in a cult. I'M A MESS!

God rescued me from the worst of the traumas, but some damage still remains, even after 15+ years of therapy and medications.

I try to read my Bible or some Scriptures every day. I try to pray. I am hoping to re-start this HAPPINESS CHALLENGE with a few good folks in a few days. I want to re-wire this brain and heal further from all of this. If you want to join us, feel free to Private Message me. If I can figure out how to get a group emailing going, we will do this! (I am not overly tech-savvy, so if you pray, pray that I succeed).

Thanks for reading and having compassion on me. I need all of that I can get today. I have a FULL day ahead today, volunteering at church all day, helping folks who have come to our small town to view the Eclipse. I am very excited about it, so of course I did not get enough sleep. I have my camp chair and special glasses ready!!!