My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

I had a really blessed day. The total eclipse was awesome. Also, volunteering at my church was awesome too. I'd say about 500 or more people came to use our rest rooms! They also came to see the movie we were showing and eat with us. We blessed them and they blessed us. It was a mutually rewarding experience. You can read about my viewing of the eclipse in the thread about the eclipse in SOCIAL. I'm pooped. I am going to bed!

 

[Changing4Best]

I would like to clarify something that has come up, which was something that I once discussed with my Therapist. I once read something about Borderline Personality Disorder here on the Forum, maybe a year or 2 ago, and for some reason it struck a chord in me. I mentioned this to my T in an email and she said that it did seem like a possibility that I could be this. However, my Mental Health Professionals who prescribe my medications and specifically my Medical Dr. and my Psychiatrist have NOT DIAGNOSED ME WITH THIS. So my T was probably just looking at something at that moment in time, maybe hurried and not examining my folder or anything, and then saying that it might be a diagnosis of mine. She did not definitively diagnose me with this. It was simply a thought she had on the fly.

I wanted to clarify that, seeing as I once mentioned it here on the Forum as a possibility, but it is not one of my diagnoses.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am happy for you. :hug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

PTSD symptoms and BPD overlap, and many, many people were misdiagnosed. I thought I was too, and asked my T also, and he said no, I had severe complex PTSD.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks. It is rough enough having a double mental health diagnosis, (Bipolar and cPTSD) without adding to that! I am sure there are some things that these Borderline people are that I am NOT!

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh yes, I keep meaning to mention, my REAL TRAUMA DIARY is in the other TRAUMA DIARIES (MEMBERS) Forum. It is the one that details most of my actual traumas, though I have not detailed anything much to do with the 25 years + of having been involved in a CULT. I probably never will detail that either. I go to the thread somewhere on the Forum a bit that is about them now and then, I add 2 cents here and there to it, but to actually try to deal with that trauma is something for my T and I to sort out one day. Well, probably MANY days! I will get to it. I am just not ready yet. I don't know if I ever will be!

 

[Changing4Best]

It saddens me at a 10 that some folks are just not willing to try to work things out, but instead start accusing and complaining and in general making a mountain out of a mole hill. I tried to just go on "as if nothing is wrong" but I guess that does not work with some folks. I was not impolite, nor was I nasty or any other unkind thing. I simply tried to be civil. I said nothing out of the ordinary or upsetting. However, somehow, that was seen as "bad" by someone. I don't understand. I guess there are just some people in this world that are not able to be understood.

Being active on the Forum, I participate. I am outspoken and contribute often. It is normal for me to join in on anyone's thread. I do so often, especially if the thread asks a question. I was just being myself, but I got slammed for it. Oh well.... life goes on with or without this person in my life.

 

[Changing4Best]

I see one common thing with the 2 people who have rejected me and cut me out of their lives of late. (Actually, the only 2 that I can recall during my whole life, other than members of the Cult that I left, because they are required to not associate with ex-members). Anyway, these two folks are both seeing me as others from their pasts who had caused them great harm (and in at least one case abused them). I am not being seen as the person I am, who is NOT trying to harm them. I am instead being seen as someone from their distant past who did them huge wrongs.

I guess when you are being seen this way by someone, there is little you can do to work things out with them, because if they were to try to work things out, they would be trying to work things out with that person from their past, not me! That would not work very well. Really, it would not work at all.

Another thing that I have to say is that when someone goes into lecturing mode, spewing out tons of verbiage, time and time again, my ears shut down! I can't listen. It is too much for me and I just close up like a clam. So, anything that the person says to me during that time is lost to me completely. It is not in my memory banks. It never arrived there to begin with! I blocked it out. It may have been the kindest thing that was ever said to me, but because it came in the midst of what seemed to be a tirade, I missed it completely.

 

[Changing4Best]

I found my other Trauma Diary:

Link Removed

I mentioned in my last post on it that I had lost a friend. Thankfully that person is back in my life now. I just wanted to clarify that. Folks can get upset with you for one reason or another, but that does not mean that they stay that way forever. I will try to keep that in mind today, as I go through my day and ponder recent events.

 

[Changing4Best]

Did I ever mention my boyfriend? I have love in my life. That is really important to me today! We have been together for awhile now and our relationship is just the way I want it to be. Not too close and not too distant. He really helped me out a lot on Monday when I was volunteering at church during the hoards of crowds that came here to see the 100% total eclipse. He kept me company and made me feel safe with all these strangers. I wasn't alone. That was so good! He helped me do my job too.

 

[Changing4Best]

A few of us are still doing a HAPPINESS CHALLENGE. It is going well and I am so pleased. I am HAPPY at a 9 about this. I am also reading the book CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatie and it is an eye opener for me. I am CODEPENDENT to the 9s! And I had no idea. I had thought that since I left my abusive chemical dependent boyfriend, that I was no longer codependent. (I've never been to an Al-Anon Meeting). I did not realize that just because you leave behind all that has made you codependent, you are not then UNcodependent, you are still codependent.

I want to state here as well that I have an excellent reference upon what Bullying is and what it isn't. It is called BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS and is written by a PhD who also has a Masters in Social Work. This is the only reference on this subject that I need or want. It tells it all and has made me vary aware of who is bullying me in my life and just how they have been bullying me.

One VERY interesting thing I have noticed also. One person who used to be friends with the person who has been bullying me (and who has also been bullied by him) has moved to another area of our Senior Center and is no longer associating with the bully. The last thing the bully said to him was, "I don't believe you are that old. Zip down your pants and show me your parts to prove it." (!) I think this poor man finally realized that the guy who said this to him is a bully. I am relieved for him that he has woken up to this fact finally. He has been more friendly with me too, since this happened. I am HAPPY at a 6 about this. I will wait to see if things continue to improve for him. I sure hope that they do!

 

[Changing4Best]

I got news today that there will be a lecture next month by our Senior Center's former Director on WHAT WE WANT AT THE SENIOR CENTER. She will ask us what things that we like about being at the Center and write these things on a White Board. She will encourage healthy things and in a very polite way discourage unhealthy things without actually using the word "Bully." However, she will get the points across that laughing nervously at improper humor will only encourage it.

She is well aware of the situation I mentioned in my last post of this diary. So she will not address it directly, but indirectly, so as not to single out the bullies, of which there are 2, but to just let everyone know that being civil, being nice and being polite are THE NAME OF THE GAME. I am so encouraged! I am so glad I went to her finally, when our current Director seemed to have dropped the ball, although she had originally said she would get this bullying situation handled.

She is overworked right now, because the kitchen staff is one person down and she is overwhelmed, so she was really happy to see that the former Director was willing to pick up the ball and handle this. I believe this will work out fine. In fact, I think the that one bully has already gotten the message, since the person he had been picking on and bullying is no longer "taking it." And has moved to another area of the Senior Center.