My Body Feels Likes It Is Forcing Me To Withdraw Against My Will

[femmie]

I have noticed recently that when I catch myself withdrawing during an argument or hard conversation, and I actively try to keep myself grounded, that I start to have physical symptoms happen. It feels like my body is physically trying to make me withdraw while I am fighting the urge to emotionally withdraw.

Example: two nights ago my partner and I were having a very long conversation about a recent fight, trying to resolve it. Things were for the most part civil and calm, but I noticed I was starting to withdraw into myself while she was talking, so I tried to focus harder on her words and actively listen. After a few minutes of doing this my vision started going dark. Like what happens when you stand up too quickly and get a head rush; dark around the edges, colorful and spotty. Or like when you bring the contrast way up on a color photograph and things start to look like they have an outline and are shadowed. I kept trying to blink or focus on other things in the room, but I couldn't make it stop.

This has happened at least twice that I can remember in the past week, and both times it was when something difficult was going on, but I was trying to stay present and not "check out". The night in my example it became too much and I ended up freaking out and turned into a hysterical sobbing mess, and in the process scared my partner and eventually withdrew anyway.

I am just very recently getting to the point where I can even catch that I am withdrawing, let alone try to stop it. The fact that it feels like my body is forcing me to retreat when I am telling it to stay is absolutely terrifying and reinforces my belief that I have absolutely no control over what is happening inside me. Does anything like this happen to anybody else? If so, what are ways you use to stop the physical symptoms without giving into the withdraw?

 

[jimmy-joe]

It sounds like you got hurt(traumatically) by someone in an arguement or similar situation in the past.

If I look at people or notice I'm making errors in my speech I start getting that need to escape. The tunnel vision, start sweating, pressure building up, shaking, forgetting everything in the conversation previous to that moment, then I start shrinking into my eyes and it feels like parts of (if your soul looks like a body and fits just under your skin) my soul are splitting away and dissappearing, and my body starts trying to act on its own. (I have these reactions in pretty much all my life lol so I've dissected the feelings a lot)

But I digress, my point is I see what you are saying I think and while you really shouldn't use this example, the way I kept control growing up was by telling myself I was going to escape the pain and kill myself (really truly do not use that, I was getting ritualistically {almost :p} beat by my dad 6 out of 7 days of the week for years, it was the only thing I could think of that was complete)

but the point with THAT was find a mantra or a code that you can repeat over and over in your mind to focus your thoughts. and don't tell anyone what it is, so that It will always be YOURS and YOURS only, and thus safe.

I mean that's sort of an in the moment solution and professionals would probably also mention going to see a therapist to investigate it with help or something smart like that (I lie repeatedly about 80% of things to my therapist, also not a good idea)

 

[freakofnurture]

To me it looks like you're withdrawing because your psyche has had enough and cannot take anymore at that moment. If you then try to force yourself to stay present, it has to resort to drastic means to get the break you need.

This would mean that for the time being you should take your beginning withdrawal as a sign that you need a break. Take that break and continue the discussion once you feel up to it again.

Remember, dissociation is a protective mechanism. If your psyche still needs protection, you have to give it. Even if it feels like you're giving in to the PTSD, you're not. You're taking good care of yourself and you're respecting your own limits :)