My boyfriend lied about the smallest thing ever but I can't deal with this

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes a 2x4 upside the head helps to get our full attention before you start.
Oh my! 😀 A 1x1 should be enough @Freddyt ? (Just kidding. 😊 ) Sounds like your wife cares a lot.

ETA, it came to me, I'm not sure it ever comes down to the lies (though of course it could), but maybe more so it is about deceit? Which can be spoken, not spoken; in words or actions or deeds, or whatever. That is what I think actually belies the trust. And belies of course meaning, contradicts, or betrays.

Hope that makes sense.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry @PTSDisaster I meant to come back to say this as it popped up on my alerts but missed the edit:
And while I'm writing this I keep thinking I am reaaaally overreacting, but I'm once again downplaying my feelings and these trust issues won't go away as long as this is happening. I'm working so hard with therapy etc to heal from ptsd, and it feels like he's always setting me back at some point. And than blaming me for my PTSD symptoms because it's not okay to feel or react this way.
Yes, I've felt like this. ^^ It becomes mistrusting one's self, even though one just experienced from their perspective their reality.
The thing is, he has a hard time helping around the household. We made a calendar where we switch with only this water fountain and cleaning cat litter. I always need to ask him and he always postpones. So I was surprised and happy, but he just lied.
I think it's because, less so than trust built on shifting sand, it's recognizing someone lies about something they needn't, to someone they needn't lie to (provided you're not going to go to a huge reaction of rage to hear the truth). And that becomes an internal question, Why then did they lie? And of course there is a why, whether it's based on deceit or based on not expounding on the truth, which you would likely expect if you're in a relationship. Could be from what you said that he just hates that job, and maybe it would be good he never has to deal with that particular chore. But unless he says, and more importantly he and you feel free to say to each other, yes naturally there will be mistrust. Less so the (in)action as the feeling or mistrust of the reason behind not being truthful. The what is just what it is, the why sets off the alarm bells (rightfully or wrongfully, but actually correctly, or naturally). JMHO though. Is that a ptsd thing? Idk. I think it's an experienced-thing.

Hope you've found some resolve. 🤗

Just to add, IMHE the truth isn't often pretty, and may need to involve humility and not being defensive. While I think it's important to not allow yourself to make up 'stories', it's also important to be respectful but to honor your intellect. Perhaps he can't get started, and feels ashamed? Perhaps he doesn't like cats, or thinks they are yours and your responsibility? Perhaps he doesn't feel like living in a less-clean or less-functional environment is a big deal? Or... (x). If it is not a deal-breaker, like eg cheating or blowing your life savings (and those may or may not be deal breakers for you), you can weigh the good to the not so ideal. If it is something that is a deal breaker, I think it's important to let people have what they want, as for one thing you do not want it and so they can have it, but you must choose differently in response. And then carry on with whatever decision is acceptable to you, respecting your self and intellect, and knowing not all will lie or be deceitful. And if you need that, it's ok to need that if you are being fair to them also. You deserve that.

Best wishes to you.
 
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