A little update
I've seen a psychologist today.
I told her all about the story, my feelings, some things my ex said to me, everything.
I just let it all go, opened myself totally and found myself crying in front of her... bit embarassing.
I realised how much this relationship has had a deep impact on me.
She explained it was normal to feel that way, cause I went through a break up + I had to take the initiative of breaking up while I loved my ex + I wanted so much to help him and I have this feeling I failed + now I have taken some part of his suffering as a weight on my shoulders (I would never have thought that but I think she's right)
She told me I have to accept it's gonna take some time to heal, and I can't forget everything so quick and move on this easily. I just shouldn't deny the hurt.
I have to take my time to get back on my feet.
She explained that my ex surely had strong feelings for me, but for him they were a source of angst, fear and panic, cause now, after having struggled so many years, he has suceeded in stopping all drugs and have a "normal", rigorously organized lifestyle and he's afraid he could lose control again and be owerflowed by his feelings by letting someone getting closer.
The distance is protecting him in some way.
She said having to share a daily routine with someone could be difficult for him.
I liked what she said, that I came closer to a porcupine, tried to caress it, and got hurt.
But she told me on the other side he certainly didn't want to stop our relationship cause he was surely happy to feel loved, to feel some comfort after all these years alone in pain, and have me as a "crutch" in some way.
But I simply couldn't last long in this position, cause he never tried to answer to my questions, open his heart to explain just a bit how he felt, he stayed passive and I never received comfort from him, I was the only one trying to make things work, to set up some communication, so I finally ended up exhausted and depressed, not having much to cling to.
However I am aware the "little" he gave me, was real effort for him cause he hadn't been that close to anyone for years.
But It was definitely not enough to make a girl happy, that's for sure.
She told me it would have been unhealthy for me to stay and it was a good decision to break up.
And that he could have been maybe more responsible in "stopping" the relationship earlier as I did express the possibility for us to be friends rather than a couple.
In her opinion he certainly has a feeling of guilt about the suicide of his best friend, because they were taking drugs together, and because his girlfriend told him to leave just after that happened too.
Thinking about that makes me feel truly sad.
She expressed the idea my ex maybe wanted to punish himself about what happened by leaving his family, country and good job, to a new country where he was all alone, broke, doing shitty jobs and not having a real home to live in.
She said that right now, he still doesn't seem to authorize himself to be happy.
According to her, it's possible that he went through a first trauma during childhood and that the suicide of his friend released all the pain he had inside.
But we'll never know...
She felt that today I'm still not angry at him, and that I'm bit stuck, always thinking too much, having regrets about what could have been...
She's right.
I wanted to write about my appointment, I don't know if it's really useful but hope maybe it can help a carer in some way.
I want to say a big thanks to all of you who posted in this thread, especially Cowgirl, it's been really comforting for me to find this website, it's a great place.
