Childhood My Brother (my Abuser) Is Dying. Not Sure What To Do

[Experience]

My brother molested me my whole childhood. He's got a horribly painful condition right now, and he has mental retardation, schizophrenia, etc. He's only in his mid 30's but he's currently on hospice. I don't know if I should try to talk to him or not.


What do you guys think? I'm lost here.

 

[RussH]

Ask yourself this one question: If I choose to not talk to him, will I regret that decision later?
Let your answer to this question, be the answer to your question

 

[The Albatross]

I think it's an intensely personal decision... it all boils down though to YOU. Only you. What involvement if any do you want. What anybody else thinks doesn't matter. In the end, it has to be (personally) something I can live with and also something that won't set me off into a downward trajectory or cycle.

You do not share much about you're personal/gut feelings. What are they?

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. There are no wrong answers. Don't cave to the expectations of others... do or say or participate or not... as you wish. This is closure not only end of life here, k?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Sometimes, the best you can do is to wish them peace and forgiveness in death. (Depends on what your spiritual/non-spiritual beliefs are.) You can love them because they are your flesh and blood, but you don't have to like them, or suddenly forgive them, if you aren't ready to. Do what is best for your emotional stability. If you can go see them and open a dialogue, do so. But, if you cannot, stay away, so you won't be triggered. There is no right or wrong in these instances.

 

[Experience]

The thing is, I have no idea how I feel about it. That's the problem. He's so out of it at this point, if I see him no meaningful or even truly coherent conversation can be had - I guess I'm worried if I don't see him I might regret it, and I know seeing him won't trigger me, but I don't know if I care to spend any time or energy to see him.

I'm only worried about future regrets.

 

[Flossy]

I had a similar situation in August last year. My mother died and my brother made contact with me. He 'seemed' so sensible and caring. I went and talked with him and his wife. Then went back a few months later to deal with the leftovers of my mother's stuff. I honestly thought I was okay with it all.

I wasn't. I didn't even know it was triggering me.

The decision to 'connect' took me back to a level of PTSD that I have not been in for years. It sneaked up on me.

In the last six months
-I have had to seek a new medication
- I had SI daily up to eight times a day
- I have had to take benzos daily when I was at a point where I didnt need them.
- I have not been able to walk into a supermarket for weeks, though this symptoms was not present for three years.

Basically, I confused my brother with the PTSD. He did not look or sound or seem like a monster, but the PTSD Monster was around him and in him. It got me again by having contact with him.

After all of that, I had to go 'no contact' with him again after six months of confusion.

I would encourage you not to go. Not to contact him. Not to see him. You may be confusing him with a human who needs compassion and love from YOU. This is your caring/giving nature. He will get care from the people looking after him.

If you go, you will give him something out of your heart all over again. You are loving. He knows this. That's why he felt entitled to abuse you.

Do you want him to feel entitled again?

Can you do some rituals? Can your burn something, bury something, punch something, write something.

I also thought it would give me closure. It did. But it also gave me back severe PTSD symptoms.

It is possible you will get closure from seeing him. But I dont know if you will feel some sense of satisfaction seeing him visually in person, in a state of dying. I did not want to give my mother that 'supply' so I did not see her when she was dying.

Can you go after he dies? If you do go, please take care not to engage in his BS conversations about loving you. If knew how to love properly he would not have done what he did. Males who have sex with their sisters do not know how to love properly. They are fkd up. They are pretenders.

Sorry to get involved and make it personal.

Basically, bottom line. 3 options I can offer. Dont go & work on things like rituals. Go after he dies. Go and see him but dont stand close or talk closely. Show him strong boundaries and tell him lots of "you're not allowed".

I feel for you. I am sorry.

 

[Flossy]

I didnt think seeing him would trigger me either and I didnt realise it was happening as it creeped up on me.

I cannot believe how it has messed me up for 8 months, just being around him.

 

[Flossy]

@ Experience Your last post sounds like you dont want to go. But you are worrying about future feelings. That could well be your answer.

 

[The Albatross]

Take some time for self reflection, still don't want to go, don't go and to nix the potential worry about regrets that may or may not occur in the future... Decide to tell yourself that "I made the best decision I could make at the time and I decided that I did not desire to spend time or energy (or whatever other reason you decide) on this person." But having decided... you have to remind yourself if worries surface, "I decided".

 

[Flossy]

Perfectly said @The Albatross . Write it somewhere Experience. On the fridge, on a piece of paper next to the toilet, on the wall in chalk. Somewhere your eyes go daily. So it seeps into your consciousness. " I decided ".

 

[The Albatross]

You can change your mind as long as there is still time, but (and you haven't mentioned it at all so it might not even apply) set boundaries with other family members if necessary and ask them to respect your decision. No explanations necessary. ???