My Caseworker Doesn't Turn Up - Feel Very Let Down - Advice Please

[NovemberStar]

That sums it up. I have a community support worker who is available to see me a few times a week if needed, and / or telephone contact. We have been working together since late February. Lately she has really let me down and it's upsetting me and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm better to drop her altogether.

I usually see her once a week or once a fortnight. Things have been a struggle lately (hard work in therapy) so we have planned to meet each Monday afternoon. Of the last 5 times we had an appointment:
1) Cancelled at last moment (an hour before);

2) Came, as planned.

3) didn't' turn up or return my calls or leave me any messages - it took me 2 days to get hold of her, and only because I phoned head office. She claimed 'she txt me and the phones must be playing up'. I made it clear she needs to PHONE to cancel, as it really upset me. I had started to think she was dead or in hospital and the timing could not have been worse;

4) came last week - txt me to let me know she was coming 15mins before our app - was very glad she came and it was ok, thought 'I can built up my trust with her again now'. I had explained to her on the phone the week before ANd after she never turned up, that I was wanting her support on a Monday because I see my T on a Friday, and then struggle the next few days, and more so on the weekend. Seeing her at the start of the week can help me get back on track.

5) Appointment today was 2pm. I phoned and left a message for her on her cellphone 10am to clarify she was coming 2pm, as I had a hugely stressful busy day trying to organize my work around her visit, but really wanted to see her and talk to her about some things. I never heard back. I tried her cellphone and her landline at her office at 3pm, left messages on both, nothing back. It's now 3:15pm so I think I can safely assume she is definitely not coming and I doubt I will hear back form her today.

I tried to phone head office again - no answer. Now I don't know what to do. I phoned the main office because I guess I want to know if she is off sick -or if she isn't what is happening - I will admit, I also wanters someone else to know she has let me down again. If this is happening with other clients, then surly someone will say something and help out?

I work in obstetrics, I'm on call, 24/7, and I understand more than anyone else, that yes -sometimes things come up, at the last minute and you have to reshuffle. But I always phone and let people know if this happens. I just feel so let down. I am coming up to a really hard time of year (anniversary of my mother's sudden death which I witnessed) and am feeling very vulnerable. I need support to help me though this, because this time last year I got so sick I nearly lost everything - I had to go off work for 3 months, and if I lose my ability to work again in the foreseeable future I WILL lose my house :(.

I will try phoning head office again - is that ok I do that? I feel a bit bad, if it gets her in trouble - but I also think that as she is a mental health worker she ought to know how vulnerable we as clients are, over seemingly 'small' things like not turning up to appointments :unsure:.

Then again, I think 'Is it that small a deal?' Is it not reasonable to expect her to be more reliable than she has been? She never did give me an explanation last time as to why she never turned up - she never said it was that something came up.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I would understand if it was a one-time situation or even 2 over a long period of time, but what you described is unacceptable. I would definitely call, that is not a small thing and erodes ones ability to develope trust. And,honestly, I would also see if you can move to someone else.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this unreliability. You shouldn't have to. You deserve better. Best of luck.

 

[franciemarnie]

You cannot count on this person. You need someone you can count on.

You may not have had options once. You do now. Find someone else.

I am sorry you had to deal with this person. There are many out there you can work with who will be there.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for the replies - it helps me feel validated. I tried numerous times to phone head office - there is only an answer machine. I was about to lose the plot when I got it for the 4th time. I left a message asking form someone to PLEASE phone me back - if not today (they close in 15 minutes so not likely) then tomorrow plea. I did not way what it was about.

This has upset me really really badly. I have a T I see once a week, she is the most reliable, stable person in my life right now, but I can't phone her in-between appointments - I can email her but she is not always able to reply - so far she always has, when I have asked her too, but as she has a full time job elsewhere, it can take a couple days for her to be able to reply. That is why I had this case worker - for help in-between T sessions.
'
I am trying to understand why it has affected me so badly - why in particular it is - I think it's more than feeling abandoned - I think it's that I feel so utterly POWERLESS. I told my case worker why it was important I see her on Mondays - then the next one she didn't turn up. After that, I again explained why I rely on her to support me, and I told her how it left me feeling, when she failed to let me know she wasn't coming ANd didn't return my phone calls for 2 days. I thought she understood.

I actually almost hope to find out she had something really major come up - like a death in the family and the office f*cked up not telling me she's off sick - or maybe she is in hospital or something really bad - because at least that would mean she just didn't let me down.

Last appointment she mentioned in passing she had had a trauma and gained a lot of weight then lost it on a diet. It was the reference to her having had a trauma that has also left me feeling insecure - maybe she isn't coping with work - I wasn't coping last years due to trauma and I had to go off work for 3 months. Maybe she is not able to do her job properly and will need to leave work - and finish with me unexpectedly too.

I will try to see if I can talk to office or someone and tell them how I feel, and how it's affected me. I don't want to have to ask for someone new - but it feels like my only choices right now are:

1) give new another chance - I don't know if I can cope if she is another no show - I don't even know if I can cope with the uncertainty of 'will she or won't she' every time we are meant to have an appointment.

2) ask for someone new - I will feel guilty, feel I am being too demanding, and a troublemaker. I already feel it is all me and I am the problem. I am in the middle of laying a formal compliant with my previous psych team due to the way they treated me - can it be ALL these people are that bad? Have I just had a rough patch? Or is it all me? I try to see if it's me having high expectations, but my T tells me it's not. And I don't think it is… but I start to doubt myself hugely.

3) drop the service altogether. Then I won't have anyone other than my T in-between sessions. That is a terrifying thought, especially at this time of year.

Last year I went off the rails so badly due to a combination of my mother's anniversary (end of June) and being terrified I had no safety net of support. I'd just been discharged form the eating disorder services - I was stable, well, and the discharge was not only planned over several months (slowly reducing appointments) but it was initiated by me, so as not to trigger abandonment or rejection. And yet it still destabilized me severely. I feel I am at risk of lapsing again for similar reasons - mum
's anniversary in a few weeks time and my caseworker 'abandoning' me. I need stable and reliable right now. I think I will have to cut and run and ask for someone else. What if there isn't anyone?????

I'm in a really vulnerable period right now. I really didn't need this on top of it. It would be hard enough even if I had a caseworker who turned up and was reliable. But to have her not turn up so many times, and not return my calls, and leave me in this situation and having to make difficult choices, it is really unfair :cry:.

I am struggling not to lapse into my eating disorder as a way of managing my stress. I have managed to go 2 weeks and 2 days without purging, I so badly want to right now. I am posting INSTEAD. I don't have anyone to call and talk to about this. I am going to now take the dogs for a walk. I was meant to go to the supermarket but I won't' take my wallet on the walk, or go to the supermarket because if I did I would lapse into buying binge food and spend the evening purging. I can't afford to do that. I will lose my job and house if I lapse into losing weight.

I just feel under so much pressure.

 

[Seasounds]

1. Yes, find someone who shows up for you, in all of the ways you have mentioned that you need.
2. When therapists don't have it together to be professional, best to move on. It is them, not you!

 

[NovemberStar]

Thankfully she is not my T.

I got a txt message from her at 5:34 - after her usual work hours. Says she 'went home sick form work today and hoped I got the message and should be back tomorrow and will be in touch'. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

f*ck her - I don't believe her for one second. How hard is it to make a few phone calls before you go home sick????? Or you ask the receptionist to f*cking do it.

I txt her back - and I really f*cking hope it gets her f*cking worried about the consequences if she is lying - I said in my reply "No I did not get the message. I phoned and left messaged for you at 10am, 2pm, 3pm. No one answered their phone at head office either, but hopefully they will return my message and phone me tomorrow as clearly there are massive issues with your phone / message service and they need to know the effects it has on vulnerable people".

I had to use self restraint to NOT tell her I am pissed off and don't want her to phone or contact me right now. What's the point? It won't change anything. I have told her before how important it is, and the effects it has on me - it's not like regular appointments being cancelled - it's so much more important when it's support people within the mental health profession, as opposed to the dentist, or hair dresser. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:.

My gut feeling is she is struggling at work, not able to do her job and is covering up by saying she went off sick. Well, since I will be talking to head office tomorrow I will be finding out, won't I. AND If she was off sick / went home, then they need to sort out how they tell people, and NOT leave them waiting and feeling let down and rejected. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:. Either way, someone is going to be accountable for this and sort it out. God knows how the rest of her clients get on - I'm considered 'high functioning' and 'have a lot of insight' - what about the poor f*cks who are so unwell and more vulnerable? They can't stick up for themselves like I try to, yet are probably feelings such as devastated if not more so.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

I'm so pissed off - I arranged my entire day around our 2pm appointment - I even cancelled a client so I could be sure to be home in time for our appointment that never f*cking happened.

IU am so mad and so upset. I'm more angry than upset, because my gut feeling - if I am right - means she won't be at work for long and I'll end up with someone new anyway. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

[ghotiff]

If at all possible I would try to find someone else (or a different service?). The emotional roller-coaster of expecting to see someone about such an emotional and important topic and then regularly having that discussion never happen is just too much. The fact that you now even doubt her turning up in the first place points to the fact that you can't 'rely' on her, because she just isn't 'reliable'.

 

[GWhizz]

I would definitely be looking for a replacement. She doesn't even seem fit to do her job if she is going off sick frequently. She has proven her unreliability and shown some red flags by referring to her own trauma (unless it was relevant to helping you). You are vulnerable right now as you said, and you need someone you can count on. I too have my therapy on a Friday and the weekend is worst as a result. Sometimes I end up contacting my T on the Monday to discuss things that have been bothering me as a result. I recommend you at least talk to your T about this and ask for their professional opinion (if you feel you can trust them enough) and also discuss options they may have for contacting them outside of your therapy session if extra support is required. I hope you get someone new soon

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for the replies.

@ghotiff - I don't know if there is another service I can use. I've needed additional support for 3 years and was only referred or told about this possibility of this type of service a few months ago. My T might know. I trusted this service because it was more professionally set up; others have ex-psych patients or casual support workers doing the supporting. My caseworker is a psych nurse - and I feel that is what I need, due to the 'complexity' of my issues.

@Genea - It's the first time she didn't come due to 'being sick'. I don't know the other reasons as she didn't give any, just that she wasn't able to come see me (meeting I think, that time), and two weeks ago - all she said was she had txt me to cancel - but did not say 'why'. I don't think I could cope with phone calls to and from my T - having a phone call would be too 'intimate' and would trigger me too much. As much as I love my T, and trust her, I need the right combination of support, without it feeling too 'close' or' 'threatening'. I will be talking to her about this incident, and how I have reacted. I feel so ashamed - I had strong urges to self harm, and relapse into my eating disorder. It's like I don't have a valve or filter on how situations like this affect me - I know it's because my trauma roots lie in abandonment and rejection - my reaction is intensely strong as a result. And I hate feeling like that :(.


I feel more 'in control' of the situation for tonight since I sent the txt reply back to her. Knowing she knows I have asked Head Office to phone me about this makes me feel I have some 'power' in the situation.

As Dr Phil says "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". If she was genuinely off sick and genuinely tried somehow to get a message to me, then she won't have anything to feel 'bad' or 'guilty' about. If on the other hand, she is slacking, then I imagine she might feel a tad stressed when challenged on this by head office / her boss. NOT MY PROBLEM!

"Funny" how her txt about her going off sick earlier in the day and that she hoped I had got the message, turned up, and not any other message. And at the END of her working day. I think she would have seen the missed calls and perhaps even got my messages and thought 'oops'.

I woke up 4:30am with a pounding headache. I've taken 2 types pain killers, it's still there. I'm working on trying not to be tense. thankfully I have a busy day today, which will help keep me distracted. It also means I don't have to answer my phone if my caseworker phones. If / when we talk it needs to be when I feel in an ok enough space to manage it. I somehow suspect she won't get back to me today anyway :rolleyes:.

 

[NovemberStar]

It was a hard morning. I tried a few times to get hold of someone at the head office - no response. Each time I felt more panicked. In the end, I emailed them - and I said everything I felt I needed to in my email. I asked for someone to PLEASE phone me. I explained the situation, how I feel, and I just need it to be sorted out. Turns out my caseworker was off sick today. It didn't really help much with my panic, that it might have been a genuine 'off sick' yesterday. I just don't trust anymore that she will turn up, and it's really affected me.

I emailed my T about it. I said how I felt, and how vulnerable I am right now. I didn't ask her to email me back, so I am not expecting a reply. I see her Friday. I hope so much I get to see her Friday. There is a chance I might not be able to due to work, and my T only works one day a week where I see her. I don't know how I will manage if I don't get to see her Friday.

This whole situation has triggered up flashbacks and at moments today the panic was so bad, and so … internal … and so very much form childhood, it felt like I was back there. I was driving along the road, and suddenly felt like I was back in childhood, and I was momentarily confused as to 'how can I be driving, I'm not old enough - why am I in this city, it's not where I live' then I realize it's a flashback and it's over within a few seconds, but it leaves me feelings so unsettled.

Sadly I am really getting a sense of exactly what it was like growing up. Today it felt like I was a planet in a solar system - one moment I felt 'ok', the next, it felt like the panic over being abandoned and left alone (and in crisis when left alone) was going to literally make me spin out and be off my orbit. It was an awful feeling :(. I felt I had no control over feeling completely overwhelmed. One of my major flashbacks I had for 6 months last year was to do with a time when I was in complete emotional overwhelm, suicidal with despair and hopelessness, and NO ONE was there for me; I wanted to be dead so bad, because it felt so hopeless and I was so lost as to what do I do, where do I go - where do you go, what do you do when you are 9 or 10 and there isn't anyone there? What do you do when your mother, your primary carer is your abuser and is the one that has done something to you to cause this state of severe distress?

THAT is why I am so terrified of being 'left' to 'cope' purely on my own. And being an adult does not make it any better or the world any safer - two and a half years or earthquakes and living in fear of 'the next big quake' that could (AGAIN) leave you without anyone, anything, no food, water, petrol, emergency services and the army in control of the city with tanks in the city center and a curfew on. That is enough to destroy faith and trust in ANYTHING. Because it can ALL be lost, in a few seconds, literally.

Thankfully work was a really good distraction. That's the benefit of being in a job that demands I am focused, as well as needing to be there fully for other people. I get to forget about myself and put others first, and I thrive on that. I don't want to talk to my caseworker about this. I feel thinking about it, talking about it, having contact with her or any reminder of the situation right now just leaves me feeling too fragile and triggers up so much I just don't want to have to deal with until I see my T. :(.