My Child May Have Inherited My Personality Disorder

[Kintsugi]

Psychiatrist has decided medication and therapy. The wheels are in motion now. I really look forward to the results and my child getting better.

I don't know how helpful this is, but I *kind of* have experience with this issue, since my biological (I'm adopted) mother most likely had PTSD. She was diagnosed BPD, but she had suffered childhood rape from her stepfather, many abusive relationships including my father, and teenage homelessness. I met my biological siblings when I was 18, and a couple have been diagnosed BPD, and they all had or have issues with anxiety or depression including teenage self-harm, suicidal ideation, and other reckless self-destructive habits. They also suffered child abuse from our father.

The brighter side to this is that I am the only one who seems to have PTSD (instead of mood/anxiety disorders of another nature) from my own, totally separate trauma which was not perpetrated by my adoptive parents, and I was in therapy when the signs of depression and extreme anxiety were appearing strongly at the age of 12 or 13, and I believe that it is because of this support that I am the best-adjusted of my siblings and the most likely to have coping mechanisms that are healthy and productive. I have a lot more resources than were ever available to them, and it seems to have done a ton of good for me in spite of my diagnosis when compared to their progress throughout their teen and young adult lives.

SO I would say that although it seems we did inherit something from being born to untreated and very disturbed parents (which I think you aren't), and my mother was obviously under an extreme amount of stress during her pregnancies (having actively abusive partners), I have found treatment, support, and a higher-end lifestyle (not living in utter trailer park poverty and an addicted community) helped me go far beyond my siblings' struggle with their mental and emotional health problems in spite of the fact that my diagnosis and symptoms are much more drastic than what they report experiencing.

That all sounds really sort of doomy, but I really do mean this as complete encouragement that even if your personal experience has had anything biochemically to do with their development, the right treatment, support, and attention to those arising issues can help them to not only--I think--overcome their struggles to cope during adolescence but will also prepare them better than most of their peers for average challenges and moments wherein practiced and healthy coping skills will benefit them hugely.

That they have your support, attention, and investment in their health is a blessing most kids never have while they go through their battle to come of age.

 

[Anna]

Thank you all for your kind words.

The psychiatrist will begin the diagnosis soon, of course it will take time. He has already mentioned he thinks that it could be bipolar. We will see.

I just hope it is not borderline like I have. I know for sure, if I had been treated earlier I would not have been so self destructive and put myself into a dangerous situation which traumatised me causing PTSD.

Even if it is, the therapy can teach her hopefully positive ways of coping without the self harming.

Personally, I also agree with the psychiatrist about bipolar. Some is genetic, some environmental. I get the impression my child has bipolar, they can be hyperactive, have trouble sleeping, then suddenly they hit rock bottom. He also says it can begin in puberty because of the chemical and hormonal changes in the brain.

 

[Abstract]

That makes sense Anna and the two can look very similar. Remember too that Borderline traits are not fixed and can be helped especially if caught early. Someone is unlikely to end up in situations that end in trauma from impulse control and other issues if they have been diagnosed and are getting appropriate help.

 

[Anna]

I really hope so. She cut herself again last night. It is the self harming that I think is the most disturbing. She does it to relieve stress. We have an appoinment again next week, then once a week from then on.

It is not easy living with them at the moment. If they want something and you say no, it is like a toddler having a temper tantrum.

They got good marks, wanted an Iphone.... we said no. They cut themselves went hysterical. It is just not normal behaviour for a 14 year old. It is becoming very very challenging.

School work is excellent. It is just when they do not get their own way. The worst is the verbal abuse we get from her. She called her father an arsehole.....She called me a bloody cow. It is awful. If she doesn't get her own way, there is trouble. If we say no, trouble. An Iphone? they cost a fortune. We say no, bam....

She has also lost a lot of her friends because she has pushed them away with this outrageus behaviour.

However, some of her friends have used her, they borrowed money from her, never paid it back, she told them things, they broke her trust. She told me she feels like she cannot trust anyone because she has been hurt so many times at school by people she cared about.
We also lent one of her school friends a small amount for a school trip, we never saw the money again... So I know she is not overreacting to this.

All kids seem to want is Iphones, etc... if they do not then they get bullied terribly at school. This society seems so materialistic, as do friendships. This is how she feels from her experiences.

My impression is, that she cannot deal with negative emotions in a positive way. Someone says no to her for example not buying an Iphone, or not being able to meet. She feels distress rather than dissappoinment. The physical cutting relieves the emotional pain she is feeling. She feels it too much. This is a negative way of dealing with it. I told the therapist she feels too much and too intensly. I do as well. I excercise to get rid of negative thoughts, but I have had therapy.

I hope with the therapy, she can learn how to deal with these negative ways of dealing with emotions. It seems that some people, including myself are incredibly sensitive.

My child has never ever been smacked ever, we do not believe in it. We punished them if they were bad by taking away privilages such as watching television, internet access etc...

If there was good marks or good behaviour, we would reward her, we asked her what she wanted, she said an Iphone, I giggled said well that is something more for christmas and maybe something smaller, than BAM! huge temper tantrum. She gets pocket money, she is a lovely kind girl, she helps around the house, we always thank and say positive things like her hair looks nice today etc.... It is like Jekyl and Hyde, suddenly this change as soon as she doesn't get her own way. It is extremely hard to deal with, and also it is like a mountain being made out of a molehill.

My impression is, she really feels so much and so intensly. When I see her like that, it hurts me too. I just want to hug her. I try, but just like me, she pushes away. I let her calm down and then try again to hug her.

She is like me, in every single way. It hurts me so much to see how my child is so similar to me.

I am just glad we have sought professional help. It is very very challenging. I really hope the therapy can help her learn to control her emotions like it did for me. I do not want her to become like me, my mother in law is also frightened she may fall into the hands of danger. We are doing everything to stop this.

I just feel sad, that she may have inherited my disease. I also do not understand why, as her environment was so much different. She is loved, as I said no physical punishments. I do not understand where or what we did wrong.

I really hope she can learn to cope with this.

 

[Abstract]

Anna,
I really do think feeling things intensely is a possible very hereditary thing. I believe there is quite a bit of science to prove that too.

And if it ends up being what you fear it is, abuse does not have to be a factor at all! Yes, a huge portion of those with it have abuse in their pasts but that is not the whole picture. Environmentally I think there is some thoughts of being more along the direction of an attachment disorder combined with intense emotional states.. If your mother is depressed or dealing with the changeability of PTSD and you are born perceptive and sensitive then that can affect your own reactions.

If this is the case then IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. If you had abused her then regardless of what you were suffering from then it would be your fault but there are certain things I imagine are impossible to stop. Like internal feelings and babies/children, specially sensitive ones, pick up on the internal states of others.

It must be very very sad. :(

I truly believe she will be helped though. Getting treatment this early must make an enormous difference! And it shows that you are a concerned mother that it has been picked up and is being dealt with.

It sounds like she needs emotion moderation skills asap. Would she look at the DBT self help site do you think? Or you might want the psychiatrist to take the lead with treatment.

Hang in there.

 

[Anna]

Thanks Abstract.

Yes my daughter is super sensitive. I have never talked to her about my illness ever, but yes she has picked up on it.
The shrink made a comment that her meds (when it has been decided if she needs meds) have to be stored carefully and by someone else as if you take too many they can kill you. She responded with

"Dad has to take them, if you give them to mum she make take them all in one go and die"

The psychiatrist did not say anything, but then of course I had to open up and tell them my illness as well, which I did. I also told them I had received treatment for it too, via therapy.

Yes, she will also be in therapy too. She will receieve both therapy and if decided medication as well. They seem to be very good.

You are right, kids are very sensitive. They pick up on things, even if you do not tell them. I remember once I was on the phone to her, my mobile, and I lost connection. I heard her screaming "mama" down the phone. I could hear her, but she could not hear me.

I called back, she was crying. I told her I just lost phone connection because of a bad line via the mobile and not to worry, it happens sometimes. Told her everything was fine, asked why she was crying. She told me she is scared I will die :(
I felt terrible. I told her how much I loved her and sometimes the phone line does not always work especially mobile phones.

So now I think about it, yes you are right. Children really pick up on a lot, even if you do not talk to them about things.

She is so open to me, also very clingy, she would not be without me as a small child, school was fine, great grades, but she never wanted to be alone. Always with a friend or with me. She is so scared all the time.

I really hope the therapy will help her deal with this. I want her to be ok.

 

[Abstract]

Oh, that is heartbreaking Anna! :( Hugs if OK.

I read once that babies may not have certain cognitive skills yet but the emotional and intuitive part of their bains is extremely developed.

I have no doubt she will be helped. These things are treatable. This may even be good thing in a sense as she may have had lot going on internally for a long time and now that it is being acted out more it means she is getting treated.

 

[ninja]

Anna,

I just wanted to say that it is so evident in your posts how much you love and care about your daughter. She feels it, I am sure, and that is a huge source of resiliency. :)

It can be such torture to go through life acutely aware of everything... to feel things so intensely. One of my most favorite quotes is by Pearl Buck:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."

What I like about it so much is that it introduces the idea of channeling our extreme sensitivities (and therefore, unique and necessary perspective/s and perception/s of the world) into something positive, for *ourselves*. I think it is hard for anyone to "guide" their plethora of ____ , let alone being a kid while simultaneously trying to grow and navigate.

I think that you are doing just the right thing/s for her. :hug: if you'd like one.

 

[Anna]

My daughter started on the meds a couple of days ago. She seems to be sleeping better and getting up better in the mornings.

She has just complained of having headaches though.

It is still early days yet and I know they can take awhile to get into your system.

She has been put on a low dose antidepressive. It also helps you to sleep, you take it just before you go to bed.

She says she feels no different but it is early days yet. I noticed her light is off the whole night. I used to catch her up at 3am a couple of times. This has not happened since she has been on the meds.

 

[Abstract]

Anna,
Are you still going to therapy? I think you need support dealing with this too. Being able to keep it together on the outside and what is happening on the inside are two different things.

Things are sounding positive for her. It is early days.

 

[Anna]

Anna, Are you still going to therapy? I think you need support dealing with this too. Being able to keep it together on the outside and what is happening on the inside are two different things.

I am looking into it. I think it would be a good idea too.

 

[darrenS]

Anna , i have found the same situation with my kids, both have developed some negative responses to stress etc, my son is too young for therapy but we did get my daughter started in therapy , our next step is family therapy to give them a forum for their concerns and rebuild the damaged family responses. Its tough and i certainly feel and understand your pain , but you have recognized it and am dealing with it and im sure if many of us were lucky enough to have insightful parents we wouldnt be here.