My Deepest And Darkest Secret.

[Healing Reins]

This is some pretty heavy stuff.

Please don't judge me

This is really controversial so please don't tell me how I am a terrible person for doing this, because I feel bad enough, I don't want to feel worse.

Today when I was at school I realized that my ''friend'' was pregnant. We are friendly to each other, but secretly we both hate each other. I hate her because right after I told her I was raped, she stopped talking to me. Anyway now she's pregnant.

it's making me think of my pregnancy, and what I chose to do. After I was raped, I became pregnant from my rapist...no one knows about this, except two people. I care about both of the people, but I can't hold it in any longer. But I became pregnant from my rapist and 4 weeks later I aborted the baby. Knowing that Bailey is pregnant is killing me because she is keeping the baby. We are both Christians and I feel terrible. Not only is her pregnancy bringing up my rape, it's bringing up my abortion too.

I feel like if I tell people, people won't believe me because after I was raped, and after the abortion I held it together pretty well. no one knew I was raped, except my youth group leader and no one knew I had an abortion except for my other youth group leader she worked at planned parenthood...still to this day it doesn't make sense. If she believed abortion was bad why would she be giving them, anyway, she gave me my abortion pill and I cried when I took it. I knew I was killing something, but I moved on. I was able to live after it happened. So I went back to life..

Bailey gets pregnant and now I think of my abortion. It doesn't make sense. I want to tell someone but I don't know who. I can't tell my parents and I can't tell my therapist or youth group leader. My therapist will most likely tell my parents. I don't know.

I feel bad,
I feel bad
I feel bad

Why did I get pregnant, at planned parenthood they said the chance of a woman getting pregnant during rape was very unlikely so they were surprised it happened to me.

I don't really know what to think. I needed to get this off my chest.

Please please please if you can refrain from telling me that I made the wrong choice. I understand I made a bad choice, and I feel guilty, but please just don't tell me I'm a terrible person because of this. Because I already feel like a terrible person. Well, not a terrible person, but I feel pretty guilty.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Healing Reins. no judgement from me just the offer of a huge :hug:

You have been really brave by posting this thread.

Laurie

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I honestly believe you made the right choice (and I'm catholic). I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If I got pregnant when I was raped I would have aborted. I know you must feel terribly guilty but this is not your fault. It's the fault of the man who raped you no one else. He put you through something terrible and he left you to make the only decision you could the right decision.

It must be hard for you to see someone you know pregnant. Just because she has decided to go through with the pregnancy doesn't mean you should have. It's totally different circumstance and it's nobody's place to judge this is your body and your life.

Peace and love xx

 

[Chosen]

hun. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for your pain, your grief, your sorrow, your trauma, the guilt you bear.

No one, absolutely no one, has any right to throw stones at you. Jesus does not condemn you, and nor should any person labeling himself or herself as a Christian. You've said you feel guilty; Jesus declared that when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to wash away those sins and make us white as snow. There will always be pain for you until you reach heaven and you see your son or daughter for the first time. But the guilt is not right, and it's not from God, and any Christian who condemns you on that is being hypocritical and unmerciful.

My heart mourns for you, and I am praying for you.

 

[Go Hungry]

You did right. And screw that girl for being mean. :mad:

 

[marylouise]

I don't think you did anything shameful. You were taking care of yourself after a rape. Have you asked your group leader why she works at Planned Parenthood? It sounds like she was able to help you.

 

[Healing Reins]

@marylouise she says she works there because she likes to talk to the women about their choices, but she always tells them abortion is the worst choice. She told me that.. We don't really talk anymore...i mean we kind of talk but not really

 

[marylouise]

I disagree with her about abortion. I am so sorry for you though. Getting pregnant from a rape is a horrible thing. I'm repeating what I said: you don't need to be ashamed for taking care of yourself after being raped.

 

[seedling]

I think that many women do become pregnant through rape. I don't see why it wouldn't happen a certain percentage of the time.

What happened to you isn't something that you need others to judge you about. It didn't happen to them. Your choice was sound.
Your friend is in a different situation and is able to make her own - different - choices. Her pregnancy may be stressful for her in her own way as well. It seems natural that her situation would be difficult for you to witness. She also may have options that you just didn't have but wished you did.

I'm sorry that you feel so trapped about talking to someone about it openly. It might help to find one safe person to have confidential discussions with. If you don't find someone you can always post more here.

I had an abortion at 19 and it wasn't from rape. At the time all I felt was relief. There are only a few people that know and no one in my current life knows except my husband. I don't feel judged by God about it.

 

[shimmerz]

@Healing Reins , you were faced with such a difficult choice. Really there was no choice at all. I can't see that there was much else you could have done in order to keep your sanity and you might well have avoided huge issues bearing a child who was conceived from violence.

I hope you get to a place where you can accept that you did the right thing for you. That is what matters.....

 

[Healing Reins]

@seedling I just feel like people won't believe me because I don't come off like I had an abortion, right after the abortion happened I felt relief, and I never talked about to anyone or with anyone, and now it's coming up because one of my friends got pregnant, it's really random..

@shimmerz I feel like I made the wrong choice though. .. like I don't know.

 

[seedling]

There may be people who won't be able to put together what happened to you with the way you've been able to appear that nothing happened.
Someone with experience with rape survivors may think that it's one way for you to cope with what happened. Rape and abortion are difficult things to be open about - you don't want to have to endure everyone's reaction and opinion/advice.