My Deepest And Darkest Secret.

[blackswan]

I'm glad to hear that you were able to share your secret and get support from someone in your life :)

I don't agree with her black and white morality, what a terribly limited and limiting (and judgemental) way to view the world, but it sounds like talking with her was an overall positive experience. I hope it helped with your healing journey.

 

[Healing Reins]

Can I say that I miss my baby? Or what ever it was? I'm not sure if I miss it, or the idea of it. Looking back I realize that it probably wasn't the best choice for me to make. I feel guilty for killing a baby. I feel really really really guilty. It's eating away at me.

 

[Chosen]

forgiveness...for yourself, for your baby, for the rapist, for God....I don't know how one gets there...but know that God has forgiven you.

I found this--it might be helpful: http://www.afterabortion.com/faq.html

It's a neutral website.

 

[blackswan]

You can definitely say that you miss your baby :) I still miss my never-child occasionally... I make origami boats and animals for them sometimes. Somehow seeing a physical representation of them makes it easier to miss them. It's really hard to explain to people who haven't ended or lost a pregnancy though, missing something that never existed is a bit of a brain breaker.

I live in a very non-religious part of Australia and have a health science background so my perspective on abortion is different to a lot of people's. I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all the reasons why on this forum, but I wanted to share that viewing abortion as killing a baby is only one way to look at the experience and that a lot of people see it very very differently. Feeling bad doesn't mean it was a bad decision, it just means that you feel bad. And feeling bad today doesn't mean that you'll feel bad forever :)

 

[Healing Reins]

I wrote a letter to the Baby the night I took the pill

it reads:

Dear Baby,
Know that I didn't want to let you go, I had to let you go. I couldn't let B win, and having you, raising you, being a mother at 17 would have meant that Brandon would have won. Maybe he did win in the end, I mean after all I did kill a baby. It takes two wrongs to make a right, where is the right in this situation? Maybe I can't see the right in this situation. Maybe I will never see it, but I do know that it will take time, hours, days, months, years to feel okay again . I have togo to school on Monday and pretend that nothing happened. I have to lie to Trish and Jess, and Faith, people who I deeply care about. I have toile to my parents. They would want to know, but how do I tell them I killed a baby? I killed a baby. Those four words are so painful to say. But I have to be honest here. I can't lie about this and say it doesn't hurt because it does hurt. More than anyone can fathom. I believe one day I will begin to heal from this terrible nightmare. The cramping hurts. Is that normal? for me to get cramps the night I took the pill? Every time I have a cramp I pretend it's you holding on for dear life. Holding on to everything you can, but I'm killing you as I speak. How can I live with myself? How can I say that? It's now when I need to pray. praying should come easily but it doesn't with this.

I say a prayer- it's really personal so i'm not going to write it, but it's a good prayer

I end it with saying "sorry for ending my prayer in such a shit way."

and then I say
I'm sorry, but I know sorry will never be enough for you because you will never hear the words come out of my mouth.

Love,
T

 

[Go Hungry]

Wow, that actually made me cry. :hug:

 

[Healing Reins]

Letter 2 reads

Dear Baby -Could be triggering-

I'm at school. My stomach is killing me. The cramps make it unbearable to walk...but I have to be strong. I have to be strong for someone. I don't know who, but I need to pull it together. I've gone to the nurses over 10 times to get something and she still won't get something for me...can't she see that I'm in pain? Why are you hurting me baby? Why are you doing this to me? Is it payback for what I am doing to you? I'm sorry, and I've said sorry numerous times, but you don't seem to fathom the fact that I am sorry. What do I have to do to prove myself sorry? I don't want to take my life, but if that will make the physical pain go away I will do that.


I don't want to die, but I need this pain to stop.

Lord- I ask you to take the pain away, take the pain away and replace it with something soothing. sooth my heart, mind and body. Help me succeed in whatever way you see fit. But please stop the cramping. I understand what I did was wrong, but I can't handle the pain. I've skipped all my classes to sit in the commons to write. To write about my feelings, my worries. my fears. Are you mad because of that? I'm sorry lord for upsetting you if I upset you...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you. My sister went through the mourning process and I say grieve for what you feel you need to grieve. Let it all out and my thoughts are with you. I believe you will eventually heal from this bad experience and for how you feel now Hugs.

 

[Suzetig]

@Healing, your pain is so palpable in your posts - I feel for you. You do need space to grieve both for the baby you lst and for the future you might have had if you'd continued with the pregnancy. I wonder though if you've also had space o grieve the person you would have been had the attack never happened? Your experience has and will continue to change you and it's ok to be sad that you're no longer carefree, that you carry a burden now that you didn't before.

A good trauma therapist can help you find compassion for yourself and help you let go of the guilt and pain you're feeling. What you feel now is normal, and it's ok. You didn't have any good choices in the situation you were in and made the bet decision you could with the knowledge and resources available to you. Try to be kind to yourself, you do deserve kindness.