My Disturbing Dissociation

[laylah]

I have complex ptsd. I don't think it's a term that is recognized though. My main symptom is dissociation although I do have other symptoms associated with ptsd.

I didn't really believe I dissociated but I now know I do. I have been in therapy for years and part of the work I did was to come to terms with my diagnosis of ptsd. My therapist is excellent and I trust her very much.

I can feel myself "going deaf". It's difficult to explain it any other way. Things get distant and disconnected. I stop hearing what is going on and it is VERY difficult to stop myself from dissociating. I used to do it all the time. When I was in school it was a constant and at work it took a toll on me because I wasn't present (in mind) during meetings, therefore I was always trying to figure out what the meeting was about.

When I had to go to court (long story - it wasn't me who was in trouble, but a family member) I totally dissociated. I remember the room being poorly lit (apparently it isn't) and I could barely hear the questions that the lawyer was asking me.

I am dissociating less than I used to but sometimes I miss tv shows and other discussions around me because I'm just not really there.

Does anyone else experience the hearing loss and only hear faint sounds of what is still going on when dissociating?

 

[RaggyDoll]

Hi Laylah,

I also have complex ptsd and amongst my symptoms I also dissociate, although I have only recently figured this out. When it happened in my therapy session (which is when I figured it out) I just seemed to switch off and my therapist said I didn't respond to sound at all and the only thing I responded to was her moving her papers in front of me. I don't remember her calling my name or clicking her fingers so I don't think I heard anything at all.

My therapist said its worth me remembering I responded using my sight as a sense when working out what is likely to bring me out of dissociating episodes as this is my sense which appears to be last to go.

I think everyone is different, I am now working on trying to catch any episodes before they happen by using grounding techniques but it's not always possible as they can catch me by surprise.

I hope this helps, take care

 

[WillyKat]

I read somewhere that one of the earliest descriptions of PTSD symptoms was a greek soldier that went "blind" temporarily after combat. So there's a long, long history to symptoms that you're describing.

 

[Justmehere]

Dissociation can make it hard for me to hear. It can also make my vision foggy. Two trauma therapists have told me this is common. It is scary to experience!

 

[laylah]

RaggyDoll - They catch me by surprise too, although it isn't too surprising when talking to my therapist or during very upsetting things.

WillyKat - that's very interesting. I wasn't even aware I was doing it until I started to piece together my symptoms. First it's my hearing and then things get dull, unlit (?) - or far away.

 

[laylah]

justmehere - I'm glad I am not alone then. I was hard pressed to explain it.

 

[Chava]

Yes, but very hard to explain. I feel my pulse loudly in my ears and everything in the background gets dimmed. Or sometimes it's just that everything in the background gets dimmed, quiet, far away. It's a compressed feeling, stuffy and trapped. But more often (doesn't happen a lot in either case), my vision feels like the dimmed a blurry part while my hearing becomes more acute.

 

[ghotiff]

When mild I lose vision and abity to move, but I hear everything.

When severe I lose time, that is, I come back to awareness in a different physical location and things have happened while I was "gone".

 

[laylah]

Good explanation! It's a compressed stuffy feeling. I have also felt my pulse loudly in my ears during very stressful dissociations.

 

[laylah]

I wish I heard things still - it's jarring to start going deaf, even though I am trying to hear what's going on. I don't lose time, it must be upsetting :(

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dissociation can make me isolate for hours at a time, when I am at my worst days and in the past year even into weeks at a time. locked in a room only coming out at night when everyone else is asleep my paranoia was that bad.

You have my :hug:s

 

[darrenS]

i have relentless emotional flashbacks, when they start they go for a few days , i have to work and i just keep my awareness up , im aware my face changes with the flashback playing out and i have to keep reminding myself to stop, otherwise others will notice. I get so angry at times i dont know what to do , i want to hurt myself but cant, physically anyway,and of course at work its a battle not to throw it in, i want to smash everything, i want to die but know i couldnt do it, but at times its a real fight . I just feel extreme loneliness , anguish and restlessness and of course anxiety and depression.Its just one complete wave for 3 -4 days with flashbacks etc , then it stops, and damage assessment begins, but im finding if i want to live i have to push myself out of this, its that simple