Alright. I've decided to start trying to write about what I'm feeling instead of bottling it all up, because I'm in a vicious cycle right now and I feel so discouraged because I was doing much better before (or maybe I wasnt, but the fact that I wasnt seeing a therapist let me ignore all of these things).
To begin, some background: warning, I'm sorry if it's a bit ugly. I feel terrible. I need to put it down somewhere before I explode from the shame of it all.
I have a bad habit of comparing my trauma to others'. I was never touched, never raped, but I was exploited online for more than a decade of my life. I was degraded, humiliated, threatened by people who claimed they could find my address and kidnap me. I feel that online abuse is so new, but it's so discouraging to have it happen to you. Because I was never touched and that removes the ability to say 'hey, here is what happened to me!'. But the fact that child porn of myself is floating around there, being passed around from pedophile to pedophile, never knowing which state the hundreds of men I've let use me live in, what they look like, their real names, KILLS me. Even worse is what I've done to myself since then. And that's more or less what my recovery is focused on trying to heal: these toxic, horrible habits that EAT AWAY at my self worth and happiness.
Since I was abused, I've thrown myself into situations where I know men will hurt me. It feels so horrible and depraved. The more I think about what I do, the more I want to do it. Because I figure, hey, if I let myself be abused, I obviously like it. And I dont, but the shame has driven me into this corner and I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant confide in anyone, because how would I say it? "You don't know of this dark part of me that wants to be hurt" I feel so fundamentally disgusting now that I dont see how anyone could think otherwise
Ive been seeing this new therapist for a few months now and I'm hashing out all this painful stuff. Ive been in therapy for years but Ive never been honest about what I do to myself until now. Or Id lie and say I was raped because I felt like Id never be taken seriously as a survivor if "all" that happened to me was cruelty online. this ACTUAL recovery thing is very very new.
A "sexual bender" would be the best word to describe what Im doing to myself right now: all Ive been thinking about for weeks has been "how do I get someone to hurt me? how can I put myself in line of fire?"
Overall, I feel different from other survivors because why would anyone revictimize themselves over and over again? I feel sick with myself. Ive been reading "the sexual healing journey" and it's the first time Ive ever felt like maybe other people are stuck in the same hole I am.
TLDR: I'll be posting here about how this recovery thing is going. Right now, it's not going too hot. I'm so put together on the outside, 4.0 GPA at a top university with a full ride, but at the same time, I'm not okay, and I feel so ashamed that I've done this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself for what has happened to me past when I stopped being a child and made the decision to continue this cycle, and it makes me feel like a chasm has opened up inside me. I see no way out of it because this has been my whole life.
To begin, some background: warning, I'm sorry if it's a bit ugly. I feel terrible. I need to put it down somewhere before I explode from the shame of it all.
I have a bad habit of comparing my trauma to others'. I was never touched, never raped, but I was exploited online for more than a decade of my life. I was degraded, humiliated, threatened by people who claimed they could find my address and kidnap me. I feel that online abuse is so new, but it's so discouraging to have it happen to you. Because I was never touched and that removes the ability to say 'hey, here is what happened to me!'. But the fact that child porn of myself is floating around there, being passed around from pedophile to pedophile, never knowing which state the hundreds of men I've let use me live in, what they look like, their real names, KILLS me. Even worse is what I've done to myself since then. And that's more or less what my recovery is focused on trying to heal: these toxic, horrible habits that EAT AWAY at my self worth and happiness.
Since I was abused, I've thrown myself into situations where I know men will hurt me. It feels so horrible and depraved. The more I think about what I do, the more I want to do it. Because I figure, hey, if I let myself be abused, I obviously like it. And I dont, but the shame has driven me into this corner and I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant confide in anyone, because how would I say it? "You don't know of this dark part of me that wants to be hurt" I feel so fundamentally disgusting now that I dont see how anyone could think otherwise
Ive been seeing this new therapist for a few months now and I'm hashing out all this painful stuff. Ive been in therapy for years but Ive never been honest about what I do to myself until now. Or Id lie and say I was raped because I felt like Id never be taken seriously as a survivor if "all" that happened to me was cruelty online. this ACTUAL recovery thing is very very new.
A "sexual bender" would be the best word to describe what Im doing to myself right now: all Ive been thinking about for weeks has been "how do I get someone to hurt me? how can I put myself in line of fire?"
Overall, I feel different from other survivors because why would anyone revictimize themselves over and over again? I feel sick with myself. Ive been reading "the sexual healing journey" and it's the first time Ive ever felt like maybe other people are stuck in the same hole I am.
TLDR: I'll be posting here about how this recovery thing is going. Right now, it's not going too hot. I'm so put together on the outside, 4.0 GPA at a top university with a full ride, but at the same time, I'm not okay, and I feel so ashamed that I've done this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself for what has happened to me past when I stopped being a child and made the decision to continue this cycle, and it makes me feel like a chasm has opened up inside me. I see no way out of it because this has been my whole life.