My father- again..

[KA60]

He is 89. He has several comorbities including memory issues falls etc. Released from hospital about 2 weeks ago. He does not live in my state. Case worker and doctor said he needs 24/7 supervision. My brother lives near him. My brother is the golden child. My father has some narcissistic traits. Controlling. Religious rigid black and white thinking etc. My mother deceased was the enabler. My brother asked me to call my dsd dsily to check on him. My niece had a baby about a month ago when my father's latest turn for worse began again. He is overwhelmed. I said yes. He cancelled his home health last Friday. One thing they were going to do was help him learn to use instacart for groceries. And he drove to get his groceries. In 2014 I had a catastrophic illness. I had to re learn how to drive and have neurologists say yes you can drive. Driving is a privilege not a right. My dad put himself and others in harms way. I told him and he projected back on me blaming me for my anger. So I agreed to resume calling him on Monday but here is the reality. My calls will not change his non compliance. Today I called to check on him but set a limit. I would not call again till Monday memorial day. My husband our dogs are taking short trips for thr holiday weekend. For ice cream a yard sale. So he says what are you going to do just have fun? My father has already learned to tell me and my brother he has no situations. I am done. The only one who can change this is my father. Crash your car kill yourself someone else be sued lose everything

 

[KA60]

He is 89. He has several comorbities including memory issues falls etc. Released from hospital about 2 weeks ago. He does not live in my state. Case worker and doctor said he needs 24/7 supervision. My brother lives near him. My brother is the golden child. My father has some narcissistic traits. Controlling. Religious rigid black and white thinking etc. My mother deceased was the enabler. My brother asked me to call my dsd dsily to check on him. My niece had a baby about a month ago when my father's latest turn for worse began again. He is overwhelmed. I said yes. He cancelled his home health last Friday. One thing they were going to do was help him learn to use instacart for groceries. And he drove to get his groceries. In 2014 I had a catastrophic illness. I had to re learn how to drive and have neurologists say yes you can drive. Driving is a privilege not a right. My dad put himself and others in harms way. I told him and he projected back on me blaming me for my anger. So I agreed to resume calling him on Monday but here is the reality. My calls will not change his non compliance. Today I called to check on him but set a limit. I would not call again till Monday memorial day. My husband our dogs are taking short trips for thr holiday weekend. For ice cream a yard sale. So he says what are you going to do just have fun? My father has already learned to tell me and my brother he has no situations. I am done. The only one who can change this is my father. Crash your car kill yourself someone else be sued lose everything

And perhaps he is so miserable he wants to pass away. I will not spend time with him on phone angry. But this situation is unacceptable.

 

[Sideways]

Even if you were responsible for your dad (which you’re not), I’d say the odds of your changing at this point in his life is slim to none. If this is going to add a level of stress to your life that won’t work for you? Makes sense - give yourself permission to keep some distance from him:)

 

[KA60]

Thank you. I have gone no contact with him and mother before. I got an ex parte order against him in 2018. Two actually successfully. He will not change. So I am
The mistake I made again was thinking this type of behavior would not occur again. He is at the end of his life. Alone. Live to forgive hard at this point with him.

 

[KA60]

I am also going back on my boundaries not just with my dad but other people . I have hurt threatened treated disrespectfully but then guilt and shame comes up. This is not valid. It is as if I was 100% at fault. Never true.

 

[Movingforward10]

Do you want to phone him? You don't have to.

I have pulled back from my mother. Absolutely no way would I do a daily phone check with her. Speaking to her a handful of times a year is more than enough.
With people who are narcissistic, every interaction is abusive even if it is a 2 minute phone call.
I no longer agree to be treated like that.

I hope you do what works for you.
He won't change.

 

[KA60]

My other repeated error is seeing red flags of various traits of unsafe people not honoring my instincts in this case but waiting for facts. Thrn boom the person really is toxic manipulative controlling. I try to work with my fight flight fear response but our society is so toxic so greedy lacking any moral compass. I was educated in domestic violence treatment about these unsafe traits and my part in it. Being too nice a people pleaser a care giver never allowed to have fear anger pain. Not ok to repeat this cycle with myself. Tends to occur in times of high stress. A situational vulnerability. I have a list of those too. Need to keep them center right now.

Do you want to phone him? You don't have to.

I have pulled back from my mother. Absolutely no way would I do a daily phone check with her. Speaking to her a handful of times a year is more than enough.
With people who are narcissistic, every interaction is abusive even if it is a 2 minute phone call.
I no longer agree to be treated like that.

I hope you do what works for you.
He won't change.

No. That is why I began limit setting again. My brother really is overwhelmed. I was trying to help him. Despite the golden child role he needs help . But my calls are making it worse. I will need to contact my brother and tell him I can't do this as agreed before. Thank you

 

[Movingforward10]

Maybe there is another way to support your brother that doesn't include you being in contact with your father?

 

[KA60]

Thank you. I will contact him and try to discuss this. I appreciate your insight very much. Not sure how.i live 1900 miles from the state they both live in. I will not return. I want parental gifts etc. Just want to let go. That is an ongoing process

 

[KA60]

I want no parental gifts.

 

[KA60]

My brother and I shared texts last regarding my father. I asked him to call me so I could discuss me not calling my dad to check on him. He drove. He is not safe to drive. Home health was coming to instruct him in insta card use. He cancelled drive to grocery store instead. I saw my error' entering into another codependent dynamic. My brother would not call me. Our texts involved him cataloging my faults not attending my mother's funeral saying he does not trust me anymore our parents worked their asses off for us don't you forget. The golden child scapegoat dynamics. I texted I will not accept shame hulk for nor being to meet unrealistic expectations. After my illness in 2014 I had to learn how to drive again. My health care providers were in charge of this. Today I have a Real ID drivers license. Driving is a privilege not a right. So brother has all of this back I have no business involved in this. My father's actions my brother and my fathers health care providers are in control..left my dsd a voice mail last night about all this. I was stressed upset. He calls my husband- he can't rene.ber my phone number this am trying to fix this. My father is insisting he did not drive. And the only way he would drive is if he felt not safe. So I said why would you act on thought or impulse without examination..I had to follow health care providers treatment plans. I know they were getting me to thr other side where I was safe again. I told my dad I had to do something similar I had to make it happen. I asked him why wouldn't you? I don't know. I asked him did you look at the price of instacart decide no way and drive? I don't know..He has exhibited controlling narcisdtic entitlement traits all my life. Black white thinking. Etc. My brother too..K am out of this. I blocked my brothers phone number. Thrn my father is telling me his to let all thus go. I had to tell him he is not in control of that I have skills to do so. He asked if he can call me to check on me. I said ok. Again..a father who has caused damage again. I got an ex paste order against him in 2018. He tried to force his way in my apt while a medication dosage was being reduced under medical supervision. He out me at risk. Him driving like this- yes has cognitive issues ambulatuon issues falls carries my dead mother's picture with him- was an inflection point for me. As well as the golden child brother forever blaming me. I have surely made mistakes. But this is unacceptable..To paraphrase gjandi' - out thoughts and actions create our destiny. When he tried to force his way in my apt in 2018 a creditor had called him.OMG my daughter is out of control. Reality I had the attorney court gees for a chspter.13 bankruptcy paid for. Filed in February 2019. Discharged I February 2024. Fully complete. I got some money back..Today my husband and I got a 2017 Chevy equinox about 1 month ago 44000.miles. it has onstar subscription. Road side assist crisis response 911 etc..So we can safely drive through the shit show the US has become for groceries health care vet care. We have 2 pitbulls who are my legal ESAs. I will have to keep in mind- I control no one but me.
.

 

[KA60]

Narcissism .No more f...K to give.