Relationship My Fiance Has Ptsd. Any Ideas You Can Give Us Both Would Be Appreciated

[Apollo1]

I posted this in the introduction area just now, but wanted to also post it in here.

She is 30. I'm 37. We live together, and love each other very much, and will be getting married soon.
When she was 15, her friend was murdered at point blank range with a handgun shot to the head. My fiance was standing so close to her friend, that she got covered in blood and brain matter, and was almost hit by the bullet as it traveled through her friend's skull. The murderer was a fellow female classmate who didn't like her friend talking to her boyfriend at school, got jealous, and hunted her friend down as they played together. To make matters worse, my fiance's mother tried to deny that anything ever happened, and refused to talk to her about the instance, even though my fiance had crime scene pictures of the event, had to testify in court, and the murderer was sent to jail. Her mother is a very difficult individual that does not know how to communicate very well. Has a tough time showing effection. My fiance got some counseling at school from a counselor after a couple weeks, but she said the guy wasn't very much help at all, and she wasn't in any mood to share much with him.

In addition my fiance had to witness her mother get physically beaten by her father on multiple occasions.

Both of these events have caused her some obvious pain over the years. Initially, it was insomnia. When she fell asleep, she would catch herself because she felt as though she was dead and in a casket. Insomnia continued for almost a year. Following the incident, she had a goth phase, and became your typical rebellious teen with cigarettes, boos, drugs, sex, etc. To this day, she can't hear a gunshot at pointblank range in a movie or on TV without having a flashback, and basically having a panic attack. She also really has a hard time with shooting a real gun even at a range in a controlled environment. The boom is almost more than she can take.

She eventually got it together for the most part as a late teen, cleaned up, graduated from college, got a good job, etc.

Fast forward to the present day, and you have a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, and wonderful woman. For the most part, her past does not effect her. Unfortunately, there are some lingering problems, which I feel can be attributed to her PTSD.

Here's the problem:
She can't handle stress very well. The slightest stressful thing can set her off. She then usually starts saying things that are crazy, hurtful, and she later regrets saying. This is then followed by her needing to "get out" of the situation. She has to leave the room, go for a walk, etc. She then doesn't want to even be touched for an hour or so. If I try to talk to her, she literally can't make her lips move. Her mind is racing. She wants to say something. She just can't get her mouth to move. It is literally like her mouth is paralyzed.

Now, listen. I'm not the typical jerk guy that is constantly doing and saying things to make her mad. I'm really a pretty damn good guy. Even though I'm a very masculine and strong individual, I view our relationship as a partnership, where we both know where to give and take. It is just that day to day life has your typical events that take place, which she finds to be stressful, and she just can't handle it. She tends to procrastinate and try to avoid problems at all cost, but that can't always be done. I grow extremely tired of her time bomb like anger outbursts, which are then followed by this bazaar behavior.

I've done what I can to help the situation. I found that I used to get understandably angry right back at her when she would behave this way, but it didn't help. We went to therapy together for multiple sessions (the therapist confirmed that these issues are due to her past, and not due to me). The therapist said I should leave the house, and let her stay and think about her behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't help. She appreciates the fact that the bad situation has been postponed, and that she can just go to sleep. Meanwhile, I'm having to put clothes on, go out, find something to do, and stew over it. Anyway, now I have gotten better at not getting mad right back at her, and I've stopped leaving the house. I really try to be diplomatic with her, but it is very hard to hear her say stupid and crazy stuff that is directed at me, when I'm innocent, and she later admits that the stuff she said was crazy and she knows it.

OK, so I'm sorry for all the information- but I needed to give you some background so hopefully you can give us both some advice. I see it that I am going to need to continue to modify and change to help her, and that she will also need to change and improve. Basically, we need to meet each other in the middle by working on things independently and also together.

What can she do to improve? What else can I do to improve?

I really love this girl. I'm in it for the long haul.

 

[amethist]

Hi Apollo

Welcome to the carers section and the forum.

First suggestion I am going to make, is for you to read the sticky threads here in the carers section, then go on to read how other carers set boundaries.

I am glad you said that she needs to change too, setting boundaries is a good place to start here. Not allowing her to attack you when her own mind is not on a level, leaving the room until she has calmed down is one of the basics we all try to do in the beginning. We all stew over what our sufferers throw at us, even years on we still stew.

One thing I do is to let my husband blow off his steam, then when he has calmed down, tell him I will not tolerate being treated like that from him or anyone else. It has been a while now since the last episode, the worst a very long time a go. Sometimes if you do not react to them, they loose the steam quicker.

Take some time to read the articles on the home page too, a lot of good information and advice which will help you both can be found there.

Ask any of us any questions you need to ask, we are by no means experts, but a few years of knowledge can be a great help.

Take care of yourself too, it is important, not always easy, but necessary.

Amethist

 

[becvan]

Congrats on being healthy enough to realize she needs to work on it too! (yes I am being serious here.) Amethist has some great suggestions, as usual. I would like to throw in that I think it would be benefical if you both went back to therapy. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Apollo1]

First suggestion I am going to make, is for you to read the sticky threads here in the carers section, then go on to read how other carers set boundaries.

I am glad you said that she needs to change too, setting boundaries is a good place to start here. Not allowing her to attack you when her own mind is not on a level, leaving the room until she has calmed down is one of the basics we all try to do in the beginning. We all stew over what our sufferers throw at us, even years on we still stew.

One thing I do is to let my husband blow off his steam, then when he has calmed down, tell him I will not tolerate being treated like that from him or anyone else. It has been a while now since the last episode, the worst a very long time a go. Sometimes if you do not react to them, they loose the steam quicker.

Take some time to read the articles on the home page too, a lot of good information and advice which will help you both can be found there.

Ask any of us any questions you need to ask, we are by no means experts, but a few years of knowledge can be a great help.

Take care of yourself too, it is important, not always easy, but necessary.

Thanks for the response. You said that you tell him that you won't tolerate him treating you that way. Question: I'm guessing he treated you that way again, right? Did you do anything to follow up on your threat that you won't tolerate him treating you that way? Are PTSD folks motivated by punishments? Taking away love, effection, possessions, etc.?

 

[Apollo1]

Congrats on being healthy enough to realize she needs to work on it too! (yes I am being serious here.) Amethist has some great suggestions, as usual. I would like to throw in that I think it would be benefical if you both went back to therapy. Welcome to the forum.

Oh, yeah. She totally needs to work on it. She needs to show me that she is working on it, and I need to see signs of improvement. It is bad enough that I am having to modify my perfectly normal behavior to adapt to her so we can get along better, but I'm not about to be the only one that improves. Hell, no!!!!! She is sadly mistaken if she thinks I will settle for her not taking this serious.

This is the problem though: Things came to a head this week with a huge blow up. The next day, all seemed well, but then there was another huge blow up. I got to the breaking point where I wanted her to move out. She is taking me seriously, and knows she needs to do something. She knows she needs to study up, and she is encouraged about the PTSD link. Here's the thing though... she procrastinates almost everything in her life. I see her playing angry birds on her phone, but I have yet to see her actually type "Help with PTSD" into her google search field. This irritates me to hell. I know she needs to want to change on her own, and I feel that she is at that point, but I really don't like the fact that I am the one on this forum right now studying up, when she should be.

Any ideas to motivate her?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Apollo1,

This is just one opinion and so only worth that, but I would take a different tactic: ptsd does not make one incompetent. She is not a child, and no, I don't advocate "punishment.. taking away love, affection, possesions", as you mentioned above. Not that consequences are inappropriate, but if you are well-read on the subject, then make the decision you need to, communicate it clearly to her, and simply live by it, but hopefully without resenting her for it, I'm sure she doesn't mean to frustrate you- ptsd is an illness for one thing (not intentional), but adding on guilt won't motivate her. PTSD involves guilt, shame, lack of self-worth, much stress, self-rejection, oodles of fear, anxiety and even physiological components. Anything that increases those I don't think will produce the response you hope for.

Concentrate on your own life. Perhaps you were both meant to meet, for reasons that will unfold later, but I understand, it is an extremely difficult road. But there is her (what she is responsible for), you (what you are responsible for), and your relationship (unique to the 2 of you). But you didn't cause the ptsd, you can't control it (or her), and you can't cure it. You can, however, make a huge positive or negative impact on her and how she feels about herself.

I don't mean to sound critical, I apologize in advance if it sounds so. Sometimes a bit of time and a lot of patience can reveal progress you don't see now. But, no one is obligated to accept the unacceptable.
-Regards and best wishes to you.

 

[amethist]

Hi Apollo

Maybe I did not explain fully what I meant. I tell him I won't allow him to disrespect me in anyway shape or form, I walk away, go out, leave the room, but I do not treat him like child who is having a temper tantrum, by taking anything away from him. You don't punish or remove anything from them.

You may have to wait until they calm down and are more receptive to a cool and calm adult conversation, they are adults and should be treated as such.

I really think you need to read a lot more about PTSD. Yes you are entitled to be treated with respect, but then so is she.

Amethist

 

[Apollo1]

This is just one opinion and so only worth that, but I would take a different tactic: ptsd does not make one incompetent. She is not a child, and no, I don't advocate "punishment.. taking away love, affection, possesions", as you mentioned above. Not that consequences are inappropriate, but if you are well-read on the subject, then make the decision you need to, communicate it clearly to her, and simply live by it, but hopefully without resenting her for it, I'm sure she doesn't mean to frustrate you- ptsd is an illness for one thing (not intentional), but adding on guilt won't motivate her. PTSD involves guilt, shame, lack of self-worth, much stress, self-rejection, oodles of fear, anxiety and even physiological components. Anything that increases those I don't think will produce the response you hope for.

Concentrate on your own life. Perhaps you were both meant to meet, for reasons that will unfold later, but I understand, it is an extremely difficult road. But there is her (what she is responsible for), you (what you are responsible for), and your relationship (unique to the 2 of you). But you didn't cause the ptsd, you can't control it (or her), and you can't cure it. You can, however, make a huge positive or negative impact on her and how she feels about herself.

I don't mean to sound critical, I apologize in advance if it sounds so. Sometimes a bit of time and a lot of patience can reveal progress you don't see now. But, no one is obligated to accept the unacceptable.

Thanks for the input. Are you saying that you feel that there's basically no hope for her to ever improve with her PTSD, so I may as well just accept the fact, make her feel better about herself, and learn to cope? If you are, I sure hope you're wrong. I see this as a candle that needs to burn from both ends. She needs to work on things from her side, I need to work on things from my side. The candle burns together towards the middle (common goal of decreasing the effects ptsd has on our lives).

 

[Apollo1]

Maybe I did not explain fully what I meant. I tell him I won't allow him to disrespect me in anyway shape or form, I walk away, go out, leave the room, but I do not treat him like child who is having a temper tantrum, by taking anything away from him. You don't punish or remove anything from them.

You may have to wait until they calm down and are more receptive to a cool and calm adult conversation, they are adults and should be treated as such.

I really think you need to read a lot more about PTSD. Yes you are entitled to be treated with respect, but then so is she.

The problem with her, is that if I leave the room and let her calm down, it doesn't matter when we pick up and discuss the topic again...even if it is the next day. She manages to immediately pick up right where she left off with sudden and abrupt anger outbursts, followed by total withdrawal. She'll plug her ears, chant so she can't hear me, roll on her side, cover herself with blankets, etc. I'm at a loss. Some things in life require that we both address and discuss them, and she just can't handle stress.

Also, I definitely treat her with respect. I wish she would do the same to me.

Yes, of course I need to study up. That's why I'm here.

 

[AdamAnt]

Apollo, you really struck a nerve with me there. I hope you don't consider withdrawing your love and affection the proper way to solve problems...PTSD aside, I hope you find another way to "encourage" her.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Apollo

OMG, no-I am in no way suggesting there is no hope for her, but at this point as far as research goes it is something she is likely going to have to manage for life, and it is my experience it can wax and wane. Please do keep reading because I think part of the misunderstanding here is not in the shared goal of you and your fiance (believe me- I can almost say with absolute certainty she does not want to feel like she does or have to live with this, either), but in the means of getting there.

PTSD is caused from trauma, and just as AdamAnt referenced above, withdrawing love and affection is very unlikely to 'encourage' someone who already cannot love themself and feels a burden to others.

I believe so many of your questions will be answered by reading info on this sight: please try the ptsd cup explanation, the Carer's Forum, Kathy's post on suicide, etc. The reality is far from hopeless but it is desperately serious, also. "Forcing" an issue can be disastrous, and least of all ineffective.

 

[Apollo1]

Apollo, you really struck a nerve with me there. I hope you don't consider withdrawing your love and affection the proper way to solve problems...PTSD aside, I hope you find another way to "encourage" her.

I'm just asking, because our lousy therapist recommended I do something similar when she behaves poorly. But, then again- she didn't diagnose my fiance correctly, and didn't fully understand PTSD.