Relationship My Fiance Has Ptsd. Any Ideas You Can Give Us Both Would Be Appreciated

[Apollo1]

OMG, no-I am in no way suggesting there is no hope for her, but at this point as far as research goes it is something she is likely going to have to manage for life, and it is my experience it can wax and wane. Please do keep reading because I think part of the misunderstanding here is not in the shared goal of you and your fiance (believe me- I can almost say with absolute certainty she does not want to feel like she does or have to live with this, either), but in the means of getting there.

PTSD is caused from trauma, and just as AdamAnt referenced above, withdrawing love and affection is very unlikely to 'encourage' someone who already cannot love themself and feels a burden to others.

I believe so many of your questions will be answered by reading info on this sight: please try the ptsd cup explanation, the Carer's Forum, Kathy's post on suicide, etc. The reality is far from hopeless but it is desperately serious, also. "Forcing" an issue can be disastrous, and least of all ineffective.

Good advice. Thanks

 

[Tinyflame]

Much luck to you Apollo, am sure it's very difficult and frustrating.
I suspect she doesn't want to 'behave' poorly so much as she is 'reacting' poorly.
Sounds like you both need a new start in communicating how you feel. It will/ can improve when it starts to make sense to her.

 

[Jawn]

Apollo I went through much of the same you describe with my wife. Until she got some meds the anger did not go away. no matter what I tried it always seemed to end badly. Now granted, this was before her PTSD diagnosis so we didn't know what she was dealing with and for her it was hard for her to admit that she even had a problem. But the arguments you describe seem very similar to what I remember.

My wife found a good T and is getting treatment now, and I can see signs of improvement even if they are baby steps right now.

I suggest reading the PTSD Relationship book and maybe the book called "I can't get over it". I believe both are listed in the books section on the main page.

Also, please realize that everyone here who responds to you is trying to offer input based on their experience and what they have learned here. Even when it sounds critical, please read it and think about it. They may be telling you a hard truth, but I have found the advise on here extremely helpful. I think it was mentioned above, but having a trauma T is essential to recovery. I believe AdamAnt said it is not a DIY project and he is 100% right.

Hang in there, educate yourself, and do the best you can. We are here to offer whatever input we can provide.

Jawn

 

[Apollo1]

Much luck to you Apollo, am sure it's very difficult and frustrating.
I suspect she doesn't want to 'behave' poorly so much as she is 'reacting' poorly.
Sounds like you both need a new start in communicating how you feel. It will/ can improve when it starts to make sense to her.

Thanks. Yeah, it is. I sometimes feel like I really don't need this, but in the end i DO need HER, so I'm all in- so long as I can tell she is trying to improve.

 

[Apollo1]

Apollo I went through much of the same you describe with my wife. Until she got some meds the anger did not go away. no matter what I tried it always seemed to end badly. Now granted, this was before her PTSD diagnosis so we didn't know what she was dealing with and for her it was hard for her to admit that she even had a problem. But the arguments you describe seem very similar to what I remember.

My wife found a good T and is getting treatment now, and I can see signs of improvement even if they are baby steps right now.

I suggest reading the PTSD Relationship book and maybe the book called "I can't get over it". I believe both are listed in the books section on the main page.

Thanks. I appreciate that. I'll check out those books.

 

[Mina]

Your fiance is lucky to have someone who cares about her so much. I'm a sufferer who got PTSD a few years ago as a newlywed, so I have a lot of empathy for your situation. Here are a couple of my suggestions:

- Consider finding a local PTSD/trauma therapist yourself and help her make the call. Literally, "Let's sit down and call them together," and maybe offer to go with her (or wait in the lobby). If you saw she had a broken leg and wouldn't call the doctor you'd make the call with/for her, right? From a sufferer's perspective, taking a step like finding a T can be REALLY overwhelming, especially amidst living with symptoms.

I agree that she needs to want to change on her own...however, I think you presume a bit that she is rational enough to be able to see this situation clearly, like you do. That's not how it is living with PTSD at the stage she's at...she hasn't worked through her trauma or learned any skills to be able to behave or react more appropriately, even if she wanted to. I know that sucks and sounds like an excuse, but speaking as someone who tried, it wasn't anything I could manage without outside help. I had to work through crap, and I had to be taught, and then the trying actually helped.

- Keep an eye out and see if you notice any patterns in what has happened to her or around her the day or past couple days prior to starting a major fight. I was starting them when I was triggered, unaware of it, and unequipped/unable to deal with it...really horrible, huge blow-ups just like you mentioned. Like her, I could let hours go by and pick it up again. Now that I have dealt with much of my trauma in therapy (and therefore began emptying my well of anger), know my still-remaining triggers and how to manage them, and have improved emotional skills overall, those types of fights are pretty much a thing of the past.

I will also say, there IS hope. I now have a pretty normal life and marriage. It has been (and some days still is) a tough road for us both, but it can be done.

 

[Apollo1]

Thanks, Mina. That is really good advice, and the fact that it is coming from someone with my fiance's vantage point is even more helpful. In fact, last night before we saw your post, she was reading the forum, and saw responses to her introduction (head over to the introduction area, and see her there under "girlie"). She started to get triggered. She was feeling upset inside, and told me that she didn't think therapy was necessary, and that she wanted to try and do it herself. I bought in to it (probably to prevent a fight), and told her I would do that under two conditions: 1. That she takes the initiative to look things up and apply them herself 2. That if there aren't very many improvements, we will need to go to therapy. She agreed, but now I'm really starting to think that the best thing would be to look in to therapy. I don't know. Everybody is different. We may be able to figure it out on our own. It may be the best approach, but at the same time, what you said about wanting to fix herself but not knowing the skills to behave more appropriately is a very valid point.

I emailed her a copy of what you said, so we will go from there. Thanks so much

 

[AdamAnt]

I relate so much to where you are right now Apollo1. There was a time when my sufferer was first diagnosed that we thought that we could do it alone..... Then we thought we could get it done quickly with help.... Then we figured out that there just are no shortcuts with this. So Frustrating. You are about to grow as a person, believe me, you will be doing emotional gymnastics right alongside your wife-to-be....good luck

 

[alwayzthere]

I am going through the same thing as you right now. I know its frustrating but the good thing is this site really helps. I just joined here recently and it benefitted me greatly to read several of the other topics on this forum. Its a total roller coaster ride, but like everyone else says "you need to take care of yourself too". That is the best advice I have ever gotten!!!!

 

[seedling]

Apollo - seems like you are growing already in the short time you have been on here.

Based on my own experience I think your fiance will need a trauma therapist to help her get through this. I'm sorry you got hooked up with a therapist that didn't know how to help you.

I know that for myself some of my common PTSD feelings are those of confusion, feeling alone, extremely lost and totallly inside the event - NO perspective. Sometimes I can see the direction my T is heading me down, sometimes I can sense how he "does it", but I could never take this journey without him. He's done it many times.

I thought I could get over the stress of my trauma with my sense of humor and the wonderful support of my friends and family. I think it lessened some of it, but PTSD has been way beyond any kind of coping I've ever had to do before.

Also - this journey and the therapy that goes with it takes a different course for each person depending on the trauma and the baggage each person uniquely brings to it - deep, deep buried crap. A guide and the time - essential.

There are techniques and coping skills that can be shared, tried, and used successfully, but to really dig out the roots of it you need an outside perspective with the proper therapist.

All the best.