Sufferer My first narrative... csa, abuse, & murder.

[Deleted member 41765]

Where to begin?

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and a toxic parent -- a mother with probable borderline personality disorder. Fast forward a decade, and I became a survivor of violent crime. And although I've years and years of intensive and solid work with my champion of a therapist (and EMDR and self defense classes and challenging my "inner critic") I find that I've armored myself to the point of isolation and abject loneliness.

Enough. This has to change.

On Christmas day, on her way to a dinner in D.C., my oldest and dearest friend was murdered. Flashbacks since then have been formidable. I am joining you all for support and understanding.

 

[ladee]

Welcome ShikibuZ,, I am happy you found us, but very sad for the circumstances that brought you here.. I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend in such a tragic way, and that your life started with abuse..
This is a very healing community with understanding and support. Glad you are part of it.... hope to see you around...

 

[Joan]

Welcome to the forum. Great job reaching out. So sorry for all that you have been through. I hope that you find the support you need on here.

 

[Health heal explore]

I don't know if this will be helpful at all and sorry if it isn't. But do you like animals and or nature? I am closed off emotionally but working on it.. animals and plants are my gateway to humans. I can trust both of them because I know they won't do me wrong and the connection I have grown with both has shown me that we're all connected so I can't, in my right mind, exclude people from my world. We've all
Been hurt so many times before.

I don't know if this will be helpful at all and sorry if it isn't. But do you like animals...

Ah sorry!! didn't mean to post yet!!
We've all been hurt so many times before.. I'm so new to this but I'm sure there is someone on here who can support you through any or everything that you're
going through. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and what you've been through. Losing someone close is my biggest fear. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Joan @ladee Thank you for the warm welcome. Unsure of the next steps to take on the site. I've been reading a few threads and then become a bit overwhelmed...

@Health heal explore I smiled when I read your words. I love both. My dog and I love nothing more than a romp on the beach. Actually, I love nothing more. He's tolerates it (Ha!). He's a rescue with anxiety issues of his own. We are two peas in a pod. I also do volunteer work rehabilitating seals. Those animals ALWAYS pull me out of myself. Thanks for the reminder (it felt very supportive)!

 

[ladee]

It can be overwhelming at first..just take your time, take breaks... sometimes a couple of days....it's hard to see this much pain in one place.. especially if we are relating to it... we do have some funny and fun threads here too, those are great distractions.... one of my favorites is... You know you have PTSD when...... very funny.... and we need to laugh and sometimes laugh at ourselves

 

[Deleted member 41765]

This is perfect. THANK YOU!!!

 

[Deadman]

I also do volunteer work rehabilitating seals.

That is so cool :)

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Deadman Thanks! It really keeps me going sometimes. I love the marine mammal center!

 

[Esterio]

Where to begin?

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and a toxic parent -- a mother with probable borderlin...

hi there ShikibuZ, Welcome. I am sorry for all the trauma's you have had to survive to get here. I was glad to have been able to be there for you earlier today. You have come to a safe place where we can come and share and support each other. I am glad you were able to find us.
Peace be safe

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Esterio I am (yes again) still, so grateful for your support earlier. I think I'm in shock, that I've done this all in a week, that this afternoon happened and I asked for help instead of the typical *gritting my teeth I'll do it myself* crap. Amazing to realize that people like you are out there and that I'm not an anomaly.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I find that I've armored myself to the point of isolation and abject loneliness. This is me, I was beaten raped and left for dead. I am in ENDR but totally related to the armor, my heart and soul are armored to letting anyone one in. I think I have a neon sign on me that says Stay Away. But with therapy I am starting to change. I like being alone but there is a difference between that and isolation of which I have done both. I also had early childhood assault. It is really hard to change and be in ENDR for me. But I have lost 13 years of my life to this f*cker who hurt me. And I am not willing to be chained any more as a prisoner in my own mind. Therapy sucks it is so hard to confront new memories plus deal with the old ones but I am making my way one step at a time. Let me know if I can help?

I think the hardest part is I don't want to armored, the shell covering my part isn't working for me and I have no idea how to trust the world again