Undiagnosed My Friend Raped Me

[confused311]

So this incident happened two nights ago and I am very confused and unsure of how to proceed with things and I haven't told anyone yet and I guess I could use some advice and support so I found this website and figured I would give it a try..

I am a gay male and I was out for my cousin's birthday with her boyfriend and my best friend, who is also a gay male. We had a hotel room with two beds so I was going to be sharing with my friend which wasn't a big deal because he has crashed at my house after drinking before and a couple of times we have hooked up when we were tipsy but nothing more than hand or oral stuff.

So we went out and everyone was drinking and my cousin and her boyfriend left before us and left us at the club to dance and continue drinking. It was a fun time and then we got separated and I couldn't find him so I headed back to the hotel and texted him I was going back and ended up passing out in the bed, not even realizing I had the other hotel key so he wouldn't be able to get in.

This is where it gets bad because after passing out I end up waking up to him on top of me and being penetrated by him. He had his full body weight on me and had me pinned down. I was out of it because I was dead asleep when this happened so when I realized what was happening I whispered, "Stop It, What are you doing?".. I didn't want to be too loud because my cousin and her boyfriend were in the other bed and I didn't want to wake them up and have a big scene. I feel really stupid even thinking like that instead of stopping what was happening. So I try squirming away from him and keeps getting back on top of me and inserting himself in me and he also kept kissing and biting my neck and back. I have bruises on my neck and back, including full teeth mark bruises on my back that are so sore even two days later.

I don't even know how long it was going on for but I managed to get him off me and I rolled away and told him to stop and go to bed. Again I didn't say it too loud because I didn't want them to hear us and stuff. He told me Ok and said lets go to bed. As I am trying to go back to sleep he started trying to cuddle me and I kept elbowing him away till finally he got mad and got back on top of me and penetrated me telling me he wanted to shoot in my ass and stuff and continuing to bite my neck. At this point I was so drunk and tired and unsure of everything that I was too weak to get him off me. Luckily he lost his balance or something because I was able to push him off again and I ran to the bathroom to get away. After not even a minute I could hear him coming to the bathroom and he started knocking.. Before he got too loud I let him in. He immediately started kissing me and forcing me against the wall. I was able to turn my head and stop his kissing and he finally asked if I wanted to stop and I said yes and left to go back to bed. When he came back to bed, he rolled me over and got between my legs are started kissing my neck and biting again and tried to penetrate me once more. I was able to push him back and told him no and to go to bed and he finally must've gotten drunk or tired enough but he got off finally and proceeded to cuddle me and fall asleep.

The next morning when everyone was waking up and stuff he went to get gatorade for everyone while continuing to say the he blacked out last night and can't remember anything after getting to the club and after he left my cousin and her boyfriend made some comments (intended to be jokes) how we must've had fun last night because I guess they could hear the sexual act. Little did they or do they know that it wasn't wanted or fun at all.

I have a bunch of emotions.. I've cried a few times and I just feel weak and physically I am sore from the biting, my neck to my back feels like I got punched really hard as well as my ass being sore from the unprotected, unlubed rape.

I am also very confused because I would consider him to be my best friend. And I can't understand why he did it or how he could do it. And it is not an excuse but I also know he was really drunk so I'm confused because I hate him for doing it but also I can't really believe it was intentional. And it's really hard to grasp that emotion when I don't have the reason for why it happened.

I am also ashamed of myself because why didn't I push him off harder or why didn't I just scream and wake everyone up. Why did I care so much about being embarrassed and also I didn't want him to be embarrassed by doing such things in front of my cousin. Why did I let him in the bathroom? Why didn't I protect myself?

Also I don't know how to proceed. Should I tell him? I don't want to lose the friendship but at the same time the friendship can't ever be the same. I feel weird to my cousin, she's also my best friend, because I don't want her to view him differently. i don't mean to protect him, especially after what he did, but I know him and I would never think he would do such a thing let a lone to me. Maybe he was really drunk and didn't know what was going on? Maybe he thought I was into it? I AM CONFUSED.

I don't know if this was the appropriate place to post all of this and I hope someone has any advice or kind words to help. It did feel therapeutic to write it out.

 

[Muted]

Maybe he was really drunk and didn't know what was going on? Maybe he thought I was into it?

That was completely rape!!! He sounds like he was relentless. No means no and you shouldn't have to fight him off. And also when you were asleep you were in an unconscious state and had no choice in that matter!!!

I don't think it would be good to talk to him, because he has proven he is not safe. Can you contact RAINN or safehelpline.org?

 

[Friday]

she's also my best friend, because I don't want her to view him differently.

I cannot more strongly recommend that you talk with your cousin ASAP.

In the first place, one of the single best ways to avoid PTSD is to have a strong support structure following any kind of heavy trauma Traumatic Resilience: Avoiding Ptsd & Emotional Resilience.

In the second place, if your other friend had committed any other kind of assault (on you or anyone else) would you hide it the same way? If he'd come in drunk and sucker punched you, come in drunk and called you every name in the book, gotten into a fight in the hotel lobby with a guest, etc... you'd probably not hesitate to talk with your bestie-cousin, right? Rape is no different. Even if it feels different, it's something he did, not something for you to hide.

Lastly, what she thinks and feels about your friend isn't your responsibility. She has the right to be furious at him, the same way you have the right to be furious with her beaux if he ever sexually assaulted her.

I didn't want to be too loud because my cousin and her boyfriend were in the other bed and I didn't want to wake them up and have a big scene. I feel really stupid even thinking like that instead of stopping what was happening.

This is incredibly, super common. We never really know how we are going to react in a situation until we're actually in it, and how we DO react in survival-mode is often mind-blowingly different from how we think we would. I can tell you one thing, the impulse to protect your cousin when YOU are the one being assaulted? Isn't a bad reaction. Your first impulse was to protect the ones you love, and you did. That it came out sideways, protecting her sleep? Really isn't uncommon at all. Even if it just feels stupid, it's just a wacky thing the brain does, as survival mode doesn't operate on sense. What makes sense in the moment only makes sense later, if we're lucky. It operates on a whole different level of instinct + character. And your character was such that your highest priority, in the middle of a sexual assault, was to protect someone you love.

Also I don't know how to proceed. Should I tell him? I don't want to lose the friendship but at the same time the friendship can't ever be the same. I feel weird to my cousin, she's also my best friend, because I don't want her to view him differently. i don't mean to protect him, especially after what he did, but I know him and I would never think he would do such a thing let a lone to me. Maybe he was really drunk and didn't know what was going on? Maybe he thought I was into it? I AM CONFUSED.

Sure. Let's take that as a best case scenario : Your friend rapes people when he's in a blackout drunk. Clearly, the best case scenario is a really, really shitty one. But people do do things when they're drunk (murder, assault, rape, etc.) that they wouldn't do sober. I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not to tell him (although raping people whilst drunk is something I would want to know, if I didn't know before), but will very very very much underline talking with your cousin. About all of this. As soon as possible.

 

[confused311]

I did talk to the safe line last night.. It helped to get resources and help.

& Thank you for wording it like that Friday, If he had punched me or made me feel like shit I probably would've kicked him out of the hotel and left him to rot. Also thanks for making me feel less ashamed by my reaction in the survival mode, it's easier to know that it isn't uncommon.

If it wasn't for the soreness on my neck and back I wouldn't even believe it happened.. The emotions come in waves. I'm trying to find a therapist I can speak to that I will comfortable with. I also am going to talk to my cousin/bestie as soon as I can!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((confused311))) I am SO SORRY that this happened to you! How awful, and scary! I agree that you should tell your cousin, and also tell this former "best friend" that things are different now. Sure it will be difficult to trust being with him again!

Welcome to the Forum, you are safe here, heard, and supported. You will find compassion, understanding, and caring people. Please come back and get the support that you need.

Gentle hugs, if ok...(((:hug:)))
AKJ

 

[Joan]

So sorry that you experienced this. So wrong in every way. I agree with those who have said reach out, get help now, take care of yourself and try to avoid PTSD. So glad that you are reaching out here and safe line. You are brave. Continue to take sweet care of yourself.

 

[confused311]

Thank you guys for the kind words.. I will definitely be around when I have the time to help process and deal with it all and maybe help someone else too.

 

[Purple_6]

I don't have a lot of time right now to write a long response I have to leave my house in a few. However I wanted to at least say something. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is not right by any means! I was in a very similar situation myself 9 years ago (and I still haven't fully dealt with it, although I am starting to). I often ask myself, why didn't you fight!? why didn't you say more? I had so many questions for myself. But I think when I woke up to this guy inside me I went into complete shock. Not only was I under the influence (although part of me thinks I was drugged seeing how I only had 1 light beer and passed out) but I was also confused at what was happening and how it was happening. I actually passed back out after I woke up to that.

The fact of the matter is, I could have fought, I could have screamed, I could have said no, but in my mind it was already to late, I immediately felt the damage he had done the instant I woke up.

Don't blame yourself, and don't push it under the rug like I have, because it will haunt you and manifest itself in other ways. Its a confusing situation (rape isn't always someone attacking you in a dark ally, there are a lot of unspoken areas of rape). And all of it hurts. Loose that friendship, clearly it was one sided. And I pray that when you tell your friends they believe you...unfortunately mine didn't. Just trust yourself and stand by your gut, and the truth.

Best wishes, and so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[confused311]

Hey guys wanted to share some updates I have been having..

I did tell my cousin Wednesday night. I completely broke down. I had work for only 2 days this week, thankfully, so while at work I think between a mix of shock and just get through the work day I push back any hard feelings. A friend I have that I work with asked me Wednesday what had happened because he caught a glimpse of the "hickey" or bruise that was left from the attack on my neck, the rest were on my back, and he thought I had a fun hook up but I told him I didn't want to talk about it and he knew something was up so he kept asking throughout the day if I was ok and wanted to talk and finally he asked if I was raped, thinking there was no way and when he saw my face he immediately hugged me.. I was able to talk through it pretty calmly, being at work helped but he was supportive and told me it wasn't my fault and that it's not okay no matter if he had been drinking or not.

So when I got home after work, between bottling it up then releasing some before capping it back up, I broke down and really bawled and called my cousin. She came home right after she was done at work and we talked and got food and immediately I felt little lighter not having this all on my shoulders and feeling alone.

Yesterday I found my local SASP and called the hotline and talked to a counselor who invited me in to talk and I went in. It was my first ever time in a counseling/therapy type situation and telling her the story and hearing the support from her also helped. We discussed if I should tell him or not and it came down to me and knowing what I wanted out of telling him and being prepared for him to possibly brush off or invalidate the night. But I knew I wanted him to know and not be able to go on thinking nothing happened and for him to possibly do it to someone else and that no matter what he said I knew what happened and I luckily had support with that.

So I called him after talking to the counselor yesterday afternoon and I got really emotional and had trouble saying it and he kept asking if I was ok and to just say whatever it was. So I asked him if he remembered Sunday night and again he said not too much because he was really drunk and I asked again do you remember anything about Sunday night? He said it is pretty blurry but I think we hooked up a little. With all my strength I told him he did more than hook up, that he raped me. Silence. So I told him what happened and how i tried to get him off me and the biting and bruising and following me to the bathroom. Still silence. I tell him i am not calling to get an apology because that won't change anything but I am calling so he knows exactly what he did to me and that he has to live with that. Also that I want him to get help. That he needs to talk to someone for his built up emotions because of his home situation and that he takes to alcohol feel better than all the aggression comes out and it's not healthy. I told him I didn't even consider pressing charges because I still cared about him but that we our friendship was over and it would never be the same. Finally I can hear him crying and he told me he was so sorry and that he can't believe he hurt me like that and he was an awful person. I told him I wasn't going to be a victim of this and that while I do want him to feel bad for what he did, I don't want him to sink any further because of it and that he had to promise to get help and figure himself out. He was still crying and could barely speak and I made him say that he promised to get help and he did and again said sorry I hurt you. There was a long pause, with both of us upset and finally said I'm gonna go and hung up.

I've deleted him on my social media because I didn't want to be reminded of him and what happened. After the call I felt very sad but also again, much lighter. And last night I told my sister what happened and again more support and again feeling lighter and better.

I know it's never gonna fully be healed but I definitely think I have taken the right steps and am proud of myself because I can be a really private person. I'm not sure Therapy would help me regularly, I have the counselor's number and she said I can call anytime and set up an appointment if I need it and I think that'll work for me.

This morning I got sad out of nowhere and it's very new for me to have it come out of nowhere because I am not one to get upset easily but knowing that it's normal is making it easier to deal with.

You guys have no idea how even just writing my first post and even this follow up has helped me and getting kind words from some of you and knowing I am not alone in this experience and feelings has been life saving.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:(((@confused311 ))):hug:
WoW, you are SO STRONG!!! I don't know if you realize how MUCH you accomplished by talking about what happened! That is SO huge, and will contribute to your long term healing process! I have SO much respect and admiration for you! You "hit" what happened head on, and that requires GREAT STRENGTH, and character! In FOUR days, you have made more progress that I could ever have imagined when I read about what had happened to you! I hope that you will be able to see that even though this experience was absolutely devastating, you did NOT let it get you down! You faced it, talked about it to EVERYONE that you should have, especially the one who was probably the most difficult! I am TRULY amazed, and inspired by you and your story! Thank you SO much for the update!

I hope that you will continue the healing process, and maybe continue to see a therapist for just a while, to make sure you continue to process everything in a healthy way. A lot of people might have tried to deal with the trauma by drinking, or hiding away, closing up, or shutting people out. You did NONE of those things! You are a strong, and positive example of the best way to deal with a trauma. Talking about it, sharing your pain, getting help...ALL exactly what was necessary to take care of yourself.

Bravo, and HUGE blessings being sent your way!!!
AKJ:hug: