Death My Friend's Suicide

[Catlovers141]

Over four years ago, my friend committed suicide. We had struggled with many of the same things, and over the course of several months I watched her deteriorate to the point where she ultimately took her life.
Her suicide affected me in ways that I think are different from other deaths I have experienced. I can't stop seeing the helplessness and fear that I felt watching her relapse, and replaying the scenes over and over in my head. I just feel so sad.
I felt this way everyday for about three years and it affected my ability to do things like spend time with friends or go to many of the places that triggered memories of her -- this was hard to avoid, as at the time we were at a small college. When I graduated, it got a little better; I think that this was partly because I was no longer seeing the same places as I was before, so I didn't have as many obvious daily reminders.
Now, however, it's been triggered again. Everything feels meaningless and the scenes keep replaying. It's been over four years. It feels so long ago but my reactions are like it just happened.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Is it coming up on the anniversary? Or maybe this time of the year is usually difficult for you?

I know for myself I have started to notice that I become worse off when either the aniversary is around the corner, or sometimes when a special event that included them comes around. Places can trigger you but so can time. Memories than seem to overwhelm me and it feels like it did right after it happened.

I'm very new here, I hope I did ok replying back. I wish you well darling, you are in my thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Dragonfly so much.

I too was living in a town that had way too many places that were triggering to me so I moved away.

I do not know what you are going through because I have not yet experienced a suicicide of someone close to me. But I deeply empathize with what you are currently going through.

I think you are dealing with pain that you have not yet dealed with yet because you were doing so well before and it sounds like flashbacks to me. Which means to me that you have more healing to do on these painful memories.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine the depth of your pain right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Her suicide affected me in ways that I think are different from other deaths I have experienced. I can't stop seeing the helplessness and fear that I felt watching her relapse, and replaying the scenes over and over in my head. I just feel so sad.

I think that is normal @Catlovers141 . She was lucky you were there when she was that bad, the rest is not your fault. She would thank you if she could for that. It's like an emotional cancer, but you did very much for her. Try to set her free, & yourself free from any doubt. :hug:

 

[Kailani]

I am so sorry!!!! Your friend would probably be mortified that you are having a hard time. My best friend died a year ago- It sucks!!! I try to celebrate her life and the times we had and how I think she'd want me to live. And know that despite how she died it was her life that mattered. Hope you have comfort in good memories more!!!