My Girlfriend And I

[Blondie362]

I would advise that you both stay separated for now, and work with your own therapists.

She may be wanting to feel in control of your life, because she doesn't have it her own.

You seeing her as a Mother figure isn't healthy for you or her, people stay in potentially toxic relationships because that's all they know how to live... hence why people stay in violent and controlling relationships.

I couldn't stay with my husband if I thought he was a father figure, I love him too much too keep him in a retrictive relationship like that, however I am lucky as he knows about my past, he dosn't judge me and does try to understand, and has read up on how PTSD impacts on intimate relationships, but its still difficult on him.

If she has been abused in the past then you in her mind will represent everything that has broken her, and that's still very active in her mind in the present, she may never get out of that way of thinking and thats why this condition is such a B*tch to live and deal with, so its really important she gets the therapy she needs, and you get yours as it sounds like you have issues too.

For many years I was horrendous to men that were in my life, I pushed them to limits just so in my own mind I could justify to myself " yeah you are the same".. but they arnt, I am with a wonderful guy now, I have lived on the other side of the coin with an extremely jealous guy, and that was just mental torture too.- so I left him, I couldn't deal with that aswell as the other issues I had going off in my head.

Sometimes you have to break off a relation for your own sanity, as you will be no good to her as a partner if you are really unhappy , and the vicious circle never gets broken.. both work on your own issues with therapists and then revaluate what you both want from your relationship.

Sorry but your Dr sounds like a d*ck!- get another Therapist.
Good luck.
Kate

 

[olaja]

O boy Marty, From what I have read, I really feel like you are being ganged up upon by this person and her therapist. Sounds like a bad deal.

You broke a boundary by going to see her doctor without her, and without her permission. The therapist is allowing this sort of behavior, and has not protected her! Shouldn't come as a surprise that the therapist now running all over your boundaries..... I would sprint away as fast as I could from all of them if I were you.

Remember there are good and bad in all professions. This therapist would get a thumbs down rating from me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, it's NOT about trust, it's about control!

If she thinks that you're never going to even LOOK at another woman again, she's sorely mistaken. EVERYONE looks. It's a fact of life. Is it realistic to say that you're never going to find another woman who is attractive? No.

It seems that you want to fix her as you say you feel like you're giving up on her healing. You CANT fix her. Not even her doctors or therapists can fix her. She is the only one who can fix herself. Others simply aid in the healing process.

The truth about controlling people is that they can NEVER have enough control. You think you're making them happy by changing whatever they want you to change at that moment, but it's never enough. You get into a pattern of constantly changing in order to appease them, but finally realize enough is enough, and that nothing you do is ever truly going to make them happy.

 

[Blondie362]

Totally agree if I thought my OH had gone to see my therapist I would blow a gasket.- that a no go area unless its together and an agreed session.

Just to follow on from what scaredoflonely said not only by staying with somebody for the wrong reasons is detrimental, to both parties ,you are also enabling her condition to escalate to epic proportions where she is being allowed to continue to behave like this and think its normal and acceptable...but of course to her it is.

 

[Marty]

Thanks for the added insights,they help. I am confused what you guys think my issues are? I am not asking in a defensive way at all, just want to self reflect in a very self reflecting time. I will guess: loss of mother issues, wanting to fix, not loving myself enough to not take abusive language, possible too much lustful thoughts? Thanks.

Yesterday she seemed understanding but not really as it kept coming back to me not loving her enough, putting my lust for others first, and that I CHOSE everything but her. That I dont know devotion, that I need an average boring girl, that I will come back to her and never get her ,that she has a date lined up ,a guy that wants to fly her to colorado, that I am sick mentally. I told her "stop talking to me in an abusive way. Stop talking to me like your father spoke to you. You are bettter than that, you know who I am, please relax. She says she lost all trust in my because I still have not deleted the other girl from facebook who she foundout I "lust' after. I told her what good would deleting her do for her trust in my word? She kept accusing. I woke up today, she is sending me all of these message from women telling her I am bad and to get over me. I told her everyone has their opinions.I just deleted the other girl just to see what happens. The other girl will get mad at me now. Its all a mess. We need to stay separate and heal ourselves. She desperately seeks approval and love from men, not love from herself. I may be similar that I dont love myself, but I dont NEED a woman tovalidate anything to me like she needs a man.

 

[Marty]

Sorry for the poor grammar/spelling. I am typing fast at work and nervous.

 

[Marty]

By the way, the therapist would only talk to me with her there. But that was only because she went in and told him not to. I think he is misdiagnosing her, enabling her, and worse, he is the only person in the world she trusts- according to her. I am not saying that because he said I am mentally cheatingand I am sure his role is hard. I dont know wtf to do. Right now I miss her and want to fix it, but I know it wont help.

 

[Sandra]

By the sounds of it she always wants that control. And she will spying on your every move on the computer and off. So more then likely she will never trust you. I personally would not want that kind of relationship.

As for your issues, I think what they were saying is you must have certain issues with yourself if this is the type of person that you seeked out. If you people think my assumption is wrong with what my comment was then please correct me.

 

[Deimos]

I dont know wtf to do. Right now I miss her and want to fix it, but I know it wont help.

IMO your wrong in this statement. If you really want her shout it from the roof tops. She is insecure in a way that you may never fully understand. You need to go about this selflessly. Give but don't expect to get. Her defensive walls are too tall to scale, so what! Grab a shovel and dig a tunnel.

Tell her you miss her! Tell her she is the most beautiful thing in the world to you. Shut the hell up about flogging the bishop. Or spin it so she thinks you only jerk it to her. Hell, maybe try mutual masturbation. Make her part of it. The biggest thing is that you try to make her feel safe. Give but be ok waiting to recieve. Us sufferers are a sketchy bunch. Sometimes we need to be baited so go and leave a trail of cheese.

If I read into this wrong please forgive me. Regardless, you need to dig deep and answer one question.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?

 

[Blondie362]

We need to stay separate and heal ourselves. She desperately seeks approval and love from men, not love from herself. I may be similar that I dont love myself, but I dont NEED a woman to validate anything to me like she needs a man.​

But you did say you see her as a Mother figure, which to me indicates that its a paternal love you have for her, not an intimate one, so there is a need within you too, i think that was being driven at about your issues.​

 

[Marty]

Sandra- yes, she has often critisized me of facebook stalking hot women, adding hot women on facebook, etc. Even I have gotten in the habit of checking her profile to see if I can find anything and its stupid. I am not going to drop to that jealousy level.

Blondie- you may be right. It felt great after 14 years to have a woman love me. I dont need it, but it felt great at times.

Deimos- with all due respect, it sounds like you are telling me to take verbal abuse and control, and validate that it is ok for her to do. Then you ask me to lie about the very nature of the problem just to have her back. Sounds unhealthy to me with very lack of trust. Its putting a bandaid on it just to be together. I lie, she is happy but continues to live the same controlling way and then what comes next? I will have no life. Maybe that is my life calling, to help her heal. I dont know. I still think we both need to focus on ourselves and then maybe revisit. I am more willing. She wants everything NOW and if not, then I am a lustful, selfish, taking her for granted jerk. I have been very understanding this whole time, but this one just seems irrational and too demanding.

Here is another aspect- in the beginning when she barely knew me, she had this guard up where she would flirt with my friends and one night even danced with another guy when she came via me. She says she had her guard up and wanted to tell me that she wasnt in to me back then. Seemed very strange, still does, but I always accepted her truth. Now I find out from a girlfriend of my friend that my ex told her a night a long time ago she actually wanted to hook up with a friend of mine. She definitely was acting like it. This is new info. Apparently she is capable of BSing.

 

[Sandra]

Well I am glad you are starting to see the real person that she is Marty. For your own sake.