My heart aches for my boyfriend...

[Jay02]

So, in my previous threads, my boyfriend has isolated himself and it only got worse after his appointment with the VA. This past weekend, he had texted me once a day and for that I was grateful.

Today, it was a bad day for me (hormones and Mother Nature was the reason). I went to the beach because I have taken many of your guys’ advice in terms of doing what I love to do. Then, my boyfriend texted me.

He told me that he wanted to thank me for being so understanding and that he hates that he’s so violent at the moment. I always wonder if what I respond is the right thing, but I ended up saying that I’m in this 100% and I meant it when I said I would fight for him and our relationship. I also said that I wish I could give him a hug and make it all go away, but I also said that he’s strong, brave, a great man, and an even better boyfriend. I also told him that when I say I love him, I meant ALL of him. Also said that I’m not going anywhere and I’m right here with him.

Afterwards, he just read it. I wasn’t expecting a response. But I also added that I just want him to do what he has to do to take care of himself and I would be right here waiting for him with open arms.

For supporters, how do you respond to such a message from your loved ones that suffer from PTSD? I never want to pry and make him talk when he doesn’t want to, but I also want him to know that I’m not going anywhere. I just want to cry for him because this is something that he has no control over when it happens.

For sufferers, does it ease your mind that when you isolate, there is someone or multiple people who are patient enough to be there when you’re ready? Does it also help you through the fog that you’re in?

I have also been reading Love Our Vets by Welby O’Brien and it’s helped a great deal.

 

[Freida]

I think you handled it well - and congrats on going to the beach!

For sufferers, does it ease your mind that when you isolate, there is someone or multiple people who are patient enough to be there when you’re ready?

Soooo for me when I isolate? In my brain I have no supporters and even if I did I wouldn't really give a crap if they were around when I came back or not. I'm swallowed up by whatever is making me isolate in the first place. I think that is the hardest part of isolation for me.. I forget about other people. They simply don't exist.

But - when I come back, or the pressure starts to level off, it is nice to see that I don't have a shit ton of damage control to do - that the people who love me rode it out with me and are still there.

 

[Jay02]

I think you handled it well - and congrats on going to the beach!


Soooo for me when I isolate? In my brain I have no supporters and even if I did I wouldn't really give a crap if they were around when I came back or not. I'm swallowed up by whatever is making me isolate in the first place. I think that is the hardest part of isolation for me.. I forget about other people. They simply don't exist.

But - when I come back, or the pressure starts to level off, it is nice to see that I don't have a shit ton of damage control to do - that the people who love me rode it out with me and are still there.

To you and the sufferers out there, you are all so brave. I admire every single one of you. I never realized the severity of PTSD (not many people talk about it), but since being with my boyfriend and talking to you all on this site? I’m so glad I’m more aware of it now.

Thanks for your input! I know everyone is different, but I figured I would ask. I always tell my boyfriend little tidbits whenever he’s in isolation, such as when I first fell in love with him or how happy he makes me feel when I’m with him, etc.

 

[EveHarrington]

For sufferers, does it ease your mind that when you isolate, there is someone or multiple people who are patient enough to be there when you’re ready?

For me, no, because when I’m in deep, like right now, haven’t left my apartment in days, I’m pretty much convinced the world hates me.

Does it also help you through the fog that you’re in?

No, it doesn’t help.




Me, personally? When I re-emerge? I want people to be cool/chill AF. Don’t make a big deal of my absence. Light hearted chit chat is fine. Don’t fawn over me. Don’t tell me you’re in this for the long haul. I can SEE your support. I don’t need to be told that you will support me because I’m the end, words are cheap, and 99% of people can’t handle me. Yes I’ve heard it all before. Show me through your actions, not your words. Drowning me with “I love you”, “I care about you”, “I miss you”, “I’m here no matter what”, “I’m in 100%”......all just adds to the guilt factor, so next time when I re-emerge, it won’t be until much later because I won’t want to deal with that fawning as it just makes me feel guilty. I’d do away with the fawning, as my guess is that it doesn’t make him feel comfortable.

 

[LuckiLee]

As a supporter? I leave all that relationship mushy lovey dovey emotional crap for when he's in a good place. It's STRESS. If he's in a place where he doesn't even like himself? How can I expect him to be able to or want to deal with it. I don't. When he's "isolating" I might text a smiley face or a heart and see what he texts back.

We live together and some days can be so hard for my guy all I can do is sit quietly with him. I let him control the conversation. Because some days just asking "what do you want for dinner?" is just too f×cking much.

I'm really glad your guy decided to get some help. He has a long road ahead of him. I hope you're able to give him the space (and privacy) to utilize all of his resources. You should take some time to research PTSD yourself. You have to remember it's a mental illness with no cure. It can become manageable after a lot of really hard gut wrenching work.

✌& ?

 

[Jay02]

For me, no, because when I’m in deep, like right now, haven’t left my apartment in days, I’m pretty much convinced the world hates me.



No, it doesn’t help.




Me, personally? When I re-emerge? I want people to be cool/chill AF. Don’t make a big deal of my absence. Light hearted chit chat is fine. Don’t fawn over me. Don’t tell me you’re in this for the long haul. I can SEE your support. I don’t need to be told that you will support me because I’m the end, words are cheap, and 99% of people can’t handle me. Yes I’ve heard it all before. Show me through your actions, not your words. Drowning me with “I love you”, “I care about you”, “I miss you”, “I’m here no matter what”, “I’m in 100%”......all just adds to the guilt factor, so next time when I re-emerge, it won’t be until much later because I won’t want to deal with that fawning as it just makes me feel guilty. I’d do away with the fawning, as my guess is that it doesn’t make him feel comfortable.

Thank you for your input! I have been feeling like I’ve been doing that too much? But I appreciate your take on it. It definitely puts things into perspective for me.

 

[Jay02]

As a supporter? I leave all that relationship mushy lovey dovey emotional crap for when he's in a good place. It's STRESS. If he's in a place where he doesn't even like himself? How can I expect him to be able to or want to deal with it. I don't. When he's "isolating" I might text a smiley face or a heart and see what he texts back.

We live together and some days can be so hard for my guy all I can do is sit quietly with him. I let him control the conversation. Because some days just asking "what do you want for dinner?" is just too f×cking much.

I'm really glad your guy decided to get some help. He has a long road ahead of him. I hope you're able to give him the space (and privacy) to utilize all of his resources. You should take some time to research PTSD yourself. You have to remember it's a mental illness with no cure. It can become manageable after a lot of really hard gut wrenching work.

✌& ?

Thank you! My boyfriend and I don’t live together, so for me, it gets tough when he isolates and I don’t know how he’s doing. But I will tone it down on the heart felt messages. I figured that it’d lift him up... Not cause him more stress and I would hate to add more to what he’s going through.

I have definitely been researching about it more, and I appreciate every single one of you guys helping me through this.

 

[Friday]

For sufferers, does it ease your mind that when you isolate, there is someone or multiple people who are patient enough to be there when you’re ready? Does it also help you through the fog that you’re in?

Nope. Not one bit. If anything, the opposite.

Replace “isolate” with any other normal life activity (the flu, breastfeeding, going shopping, going to work) and you might see what I mean.

Granted you’ll also run face first into some 1950s women’s lib stuff (patient enough to still be there after you go to work??? :wtf: Yeah. Kinda f*cked up, right?), and a whole other lot of attitudes that might not have made sense before, that do now.

Isolating is a normal part of my life. It will probably always be part of my life. If someone is having to be patient with me? It doesn’t really matter if you’re talking isolating, or using wheelchair ramps, or my career... it makes me exceptionally wary of being in any kind of relationship with them. It doesn’t mean it’s not doable, but if it is so far outside their understanding & ability to adapt to easily/happily? From experience it’s probably not going to last. Hence the wariness.

 

[OrangeJulius]

your loved ones that suffer from PTSD?

Like @LuckiLee said, I keep the mush out too. I know that sending texts that make him that vulnerable are hard and I know that he feels guilty that he can't be the boyfriend that he wants to be all the time. After not responding to my texts for days he's not being the best boyfriend in the world.....am I gonna hold it against him? Of course not. But he's gonna know I'm full of shit because he knows I want him to answer. Sooooo.....I am usually just honest with a dash of optimism and I only respond to what he says and give him an option to elaborate. If I received that text I'd probably say something like "You're welcome. I know you're dealing with stuff and I'm glad you're working on you. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by violent, I certainly haven't felt any violence. But I do know that I'm looking forward to _____." Blank being something lowkey you like doing together. Cause that shows that you're planning on being around. Saying you dont understand something gives him an opening to explain better if he chooses without directly asking and putting pressure on it. And just the overall tone is light....not overly emotional in anger or love or worry....because feelings are hard, good or bad.


Long answer to your question but I felt what I would reply required context.

 

[Jay02]

A little update to everyone who gave me input... He let me call him today!!! He updated me on everything that's been going on... He finally is getting some help (seeing a therapist) after 8-9 years of suppressed memories, and I am so glad that he is doing so, despite him saying that he hates having to talk about it.

He told me that it's going to be tough and that he doesn't know when it'll get better (he's optimistically saying it'll be a few months), but I told him that it's okay, especially since he kept apologizing. I also said that he doesn't ever have to apologize for this and that I'm just glad he's taking the initiative and the right steps to better himself. I know that our relationship is going to benefit from this because right now, to me, it's more important that he's getting help. He even said that he got me a few gifts for Valentine's Day and for my birthday (which is next week). He said he doesn't know if he'll be okay on my birthday, and I reassured him (to the best of my ability) that it's all right and that him doing what he needs to do to get better is more important than him missing out on my birthday.

Also, to the question I asked to all of you... I ended up asking him. I was surprised because I was expecting to hear from him that my texts don't help or do the complete opposite... It was a relief to know that my messages were the highlight of his day, that he looks forward to them, and that since he's in a dark place right now, I'm the "light."

I want to cry for him because he was telling me how the past week has been and my heart literally aches... I think you guys are right. It's going to get worse before it can get better, and I am on this journey with him.

Thank you guys for all your input. I sincerely appreciate it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Awesome!

It just goes to show that we are all different, and while getting feedback on the forum is good, it’s best to directly ask the person with ptsd when at all possible.

I think something that may help is not being a stickler for always having to celebrate a holiday on the exact day. The date itself is somewhat arbitrary, right? What matters is being together, even if the exact day you celebrate is a little later (or even earlier).

 

[Jay02]

Awesome!

It just goes to show that we are all different, and while getting feedback on the forum is good, it’s best to directly ask the person with ptsd when at all possible.

I think something that may help is not being a stickler for always having to celebrate a holiday on the exact day. The date itself is somewhat arbitrary, right? What matters is being together, even if the exact day you celebrate is a little later (or even earlier).

That’s what I’m starting to learn too! I used to be someone who loved celebrating anniversaries and birthdays, but now what matters most to me is the time spent with him. Thank you for all the advice!