My Husband And I Just Separated Due To His Ptsd.. Help!

[cPTSDwife]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years next month. He recently told me about a month ago that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted anymore. He said he was completely lost in life and didn't know if he could ever be happy... we decided we would work on it, I encouraged him to take up some hobbies and have some free time to hang out with his friends or workout, things like that. I thought things were getting better until I found out he met a girl and had been texting her to meet up! He was calling her all sorts of things like "gorgeous, pretty" and telling her he was "very approachable" and he "couldn't wait to get to know her better" ... [he never compliments me]..

He had been texting her for about a week, he met her while he was on duty one night [he is a cop]. He told me he was so ashamed and didn't know why he would do that but he was 'curious' and it 'made him feel good' .. the attention maybe? Idk.. I am just so lost. He said he just wanted time to think and thought us separating was the best thing for right now. He doesn't talk to her, I know that for a fact now, I spoke to her myself and she was very sorry and had no idea he was married.

I am just so lost. I love him so much but he is just really confused right now. He said he feels like he is on a boat in the middle of the ocean and has no idea where to go. I asked him if it was HIM or his PTSD and he said it was his PTSD but he refuses to get help. We still talk to each other, every few days. He said he does love me but he just doesn't know what is wrong with him. I don't want to hound him and stress him out, I just want him to realize that I am not the enemy. I want to work on us and be with him. I know he is sorry for what he did, although it hurts very much, I really honestly think he is lost right now.. any advice? What can I do to help him? We have been apart for about a week now. I am going out of my mind missing him :(

[Combat PTSD, he has had it since 2008 but this is the worse he has ever been. He is so stressed about work and money and doesn't sleep much at all, he works all of the time!! He had 39 hours of overtime on his last pay period!]

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry he did this and that you are going through this.

It's not a symptom of PTSD to go down a path of cheating on your wife. Relationships can get hard with PTSD, and perhaps he was trying to push you away, but to then actively seek a relationship with someone else, out of curiosity or whatever, that isn't directly caused by PTSD. Having PTSD doesn't excuse what he did.

Maybe the adrenaline and thrill of a possible affair could have been a distraction from the pain and symptoms of PTSD. Maybe he has a counter phobic response to danger - which can result from trauma. Counterphobic is where people seek out dangerous situations and are drawn to them in a way to master anxiety about trauma. (I don't think I'm explaining it well - but I'm extremely counterphobic and drawn all the time to things that are not good for me, but feel exciting, and I especially do it when I feel really lost... It's a weird way to distract and yet try to control pain. Hard to explain.)

I think the fact that he is overworking is another sign he is trying to distract from the pain of PTSD.

The fact he is refusing to get treatment is tough.

Maybe he is ashamed to get help. He is an officer, and it's my understanding the culture and the nature of what he does (which is a tough job) makes it hard to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. 1/3 of police officers in general have PTSD. Maybe passing on some info to him about that might help. Or directing him to the combat PTSD sister site to this one. Then he might see he isn't alone.

I can tell how deeply you love him and it's great he has stopped the behavior (as far as you can tell).

In the end, you can't change him. You can only change you. I would recommend getting into therapy for yourself, and perhaps you could suggest marriage therapy for both of you. This is not because you have done anything wrong but because anyone in your shoes would need support and your reaching out for support might help encourage him to do the same.

:hug: my heart goes out to you.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Thank you! Yes, he did allude to "adrenaline" so you are right about that. He likes dangerous things, I don't know if he was just trying to find some relief or what but it really hurt me, still does and probably always will to be honest.

I have an appointment Tuesday to speak with a therapist.. He told me before that he would be interested in going to counseling with me but that was before all of the other stuff happened and us separating. I told him on the phone today that I missed him and he said "I don't want to talk about an of that stuff right now" ... I told him that I understood but I just wanted him to know. I am doing my best not to pressure him right now... he did tell me about a month ago that he doesn't miss me when I am gone, it is a vacation for him. Its very hurtful.. Maybe he is just trying to push me away. He told me that I deserved better and me loving him was a curse because he can never do everything for me that I deserve.. & he knows he should be the happiest man in the world to have someone as great as me and I am all that anyone could ever want but he just feels so unhappy and doesn't understand why. :/

 

[blackswan]

I have often been told by boyfriend that I should leave him. It's heart breaking to hear. When things are going better he's able to articulate that it's related to overwhelming guilt that he's letting me down. This is settling at the moment, but when it pops up it's a strong indication that he is really not coping.

Being in a close, committed relationship is hard. Being in a close, committed relationship when you hate yourself and feel that everything you do in life is an expression of your failure as a human being seems much, much harder. Not fun for anyone involved.

I'm pleased to hear that you're going to therapy and getting support :) sounds like really rough times right now and having someone in your corner is invaluable. I hope he is able to start facing his challenges and that things begin to improve soon.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@0311Wife , it does sound like he is lost and flailing about in the middle of that ocean of feelings and confusion. But he needs to find his way himself. That's a choice that he has made in both what he has said, but also in what he has done.

It's natural to want to make the hurt (his and your own) better, and to want to go back to a happier time. But realistically, it can be like trying to hold onto something that has already gone.

A time of grieving is part of letting go, and a difficult part. But life can get better, and I think at the moment, you are best to put your energies into you, and to let him find his own way out of his ocean.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Its hard when I know that I am not missed by him.. how can you not miss someone that has been in your life for 10 years and married for 7? It makes me feel so unwanted and it makes me question everything that I ever knew..

We talk to each other every few days, he said he didn't want to talk any more than that. We talked for 2 hours and It felt so nice, I tried to stay up beat and laugh and just be 'my old self' for him to see that it is not all bad with us. I told him I enjoyed speaking to him and asked him if he enjoyed talking to me and again he says, "don't ask me things like that".. so I guess that means he didn't enjoy it. Who knows. He was being his usual self on the phone most of the time but then I found out it was because he had already had 5 beers... I felt so stupid because I thought he was getting back to himself and this patch of bad was ending for the time being but nope.

I wish he could just tell me that he wants to be with me but needs to work this out on his own right now. I just feel like my life is left hanging in the wind and it is up to someone else to cut the string. I am just devastated.

 

[Justmehere]

@0311Wife - :hug: I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. :(

 

[Meadowsweet]

I am sorry that you're hurting @0311Wife. It doesn't make any difference is it is PTSD or not, he is being unfeeling. So firstly I wouldn't take the idea of him not missing you as being anything to do with you personally. It may be him not wanting to show his feelings, it may be bravado, it may be that his feelings have become numb because to feel would mean feeling his trauma.

I do think it would be better if you let him take responsibility for the choices he has made. If you're always there waiting for him, with sympathy and care, when his actions aren't deserving of that, then how will he learn what are positive choices and what are negative choices?

 

[cPTSDwife]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/meadowsweet.11684/"]Meadowsweet[/DLMURL] I know.. I wish I didn't care so much or could just stop caring. He acts fine with other people but thats because he says he "puts on an act so he doesn't have to hear anyones questions." I wish I was angry with him, I was in the beginning but now I am just so home sick and life is hell.

I had a really bad night last night, crying to the point of throwing up and just feeling very low. Full of questions and just missing my home. Missing my husband, missing my dogs. & I called him.. I told him that I was really having a hard time and I am scared and I want to come home and he once again says, "I am not talking about all of this right now, you have only been gone a week and it is to your benefit that we don't talk about this right now." What could that possibly mean? My benefit, I am suffering in silence not knowing what my future holds because of him! He doesn't even want me to say that I miss him? He did however just want to drive home the fact that, "WE ARE SEPARATED!" He is my best friend, he is the one I turn to when I feel low.. now I just don't know where I am suppose to go. Not to mention that I am staying with his parents which makes it even worse. I am living in his old room from highschool.. :/

I can't hide my emotions, I try to keep them in but I still cry all of the time and I just don't understand what he expects of me. I am just tired of hurting and I want some sort of peace of mind..[DOUBLEPOST=1402971888,1402971757][/DOUBLEPOST]Tomorrow is my day I am suppose to call him since we said we'd talk every few days. I am going to try my best not to call him and just call him on Wednesday or something. Tomorrow is my first day of therapy so I am hoping something positive will come from that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Being full of questions that can't reconcile your grief, is part of grieving, Crying is good too, you've just lost someone you love, so go gentle on yourself. Anger is also part of that process, and maybe that too will come in time. Would it help if you read about the steps of grief?

I hope your therapy session goes well :hug:

 

[cPTSDwife]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/meadowsweet.11684/"]Meadowsweet[/DLMURL] I was angry when I found out about him texting another female. I was full of rage and almost, hate. I spoke with him about it and then it moved to sadness, fairly quickly. Now the questions I have mainly consist of how long am I suppose to be stuck in this 'separation' that I didn't want and why he is doing this to me. I am in the "bargaining/depression" stage, more so depression though. But I think I do have glimpses of anger but it is misdirected because I find myself being more angry with God now & I don't want to be.

 

[cPTSDwife]

My therapy session went okay for today, nothing of much help to be honest. I spoke to my husband today though and after me asking him how long this separation is suppose to last because I couldn't be gone for more than 3 weeks, he finally told me he was thinking a much much longer time than that. I told him he needed to figure something out because I cannot stay with my inlaws and away from home much longer, my anxiety is driving me crazy.

He opened up and told me that he doesn't feel that he is going to have a long life and he feels like time is just passing faster and faster and he is missing out on all the things he wanted to see and the places he wanted to go. He just feels the urge to 'roam' and he can up and leave at anytime. He said he wasn't talking to any other women and that thought isn't in his head but he did tell me that he does have things in his head that he can't tell me because they will make me feel 'awkward' and 'hurt me.' .. So, I don't know what he could be talking about. He said he will have to tell me one day but he wasn't going to talk about it any more than that.

We talk every few days but he said he only agreed to that because "he knows thats what I want" so he wouldn't talk to me if he didn't have to.. I am going to do my best not to contact him now, maybe just once a week from now on. He is very much wanting to be separated and there is no changing this in the way things are going so I guess I have to back off and change my strategy.

My question is.. does PTSD give people the urge just to roam and never put down roots? He resents me that I didn't want him to be a private contractor in Afgan.. I wanted to start our lives together, I thought that was our goal all along, guess it wasn't. He just doesn't want to live in the real world is what it seems to me..