My Husband And I Just Separated Due To His Ptsd.. Help!

[Meadowsweet]

does PTSD give people the urge just to roam and never put down roots?

He just doesn't want to live in the real world is what it seems to me..

Yes to both of these.

But, I personally don't like the way this whole situation is stringing you along. Perhaps it's time for you to take back a bit of control here. Is there a reason why you can't be in the marital home, and him move out? If there isn't, then it may be time to move back in, and tell him to go roam. If that's not a possibility, then perhaps it's time to start planning for a permanent split, find your own place and start looking at being an amazing, self-sufficient, independent woman.

He may be trying not to hurt you, you may be trying to be hopeful, but the hanging on just in case his feelings change is surely hurting like hell, and is demoralising too.

 

[blackswan]

To be honest, his behaviour reminds me more of my last boyfriend (who doesn't have PTSD) than my current boyfriend (who does). PTSD could be a contributing factor but I would be wary of attributing all of his actions to his diagnosis. Sometimes people just do not nice things.

Good job on exerting your boundaries and voicing your wishes :) I hope you're able to get some resolution soon.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Is there a reason why you can't be in the marital home, and him move out?

Yes, he works and I stayed at home and took care of the house and dogs. I was looking for a job and had my college application in to start this summer but then all of this happened.. I want to go home. I told him that I cannot stay here very much longer and he had to figure it out. I will give it a couple more weeks and tell him again. But I don't plan on trying to talk to him very much. He has an appointment in FL coming up so I am going home while he is down there.. I think that may be the best time to talk to him about everything face to face.

I told him that I am so scared that I will be trying hard to make this work and he will wait all of this time and then just leave me anyways. It terrifies me. I love him so much and I know he loves me but he is just not himself right now. All I do is cry and replay everything in my head. I just want it all to stop but it doesn't. I have to keep reminding myself that it is real :(

He says he is holding off on telling me things because he "doesn't want to hurt me" so I don't know if he is trying to work it all out on him own so that he doesn't have to tell me at all or just isn't ready to face it.

He said he has tried everything to feel better except time on his own and he wanted to just see what it was like to see if it helped him. But all he is doing is working and staying away from our home as much as possible. If he isn't there, I should get to be. But like I said, I will talk to him about it face to face when his appointment is made. I am not sure of the dates yet since they haven't given him the orders but it shouldn't be too much longer. I am just so scared right now, I've never felt so vulnerable and weak.

 

[nursenurse]

This whole thing smells fishy to me. Sometimes PTSD brings character flaws that were well hidden to the surface. It almost sounds to me that he is keeping you at arms's length, as back up, in case his roaming (in my suspicious mind I see it as sowing his wild oats) does not work out. The best thing you can do for yourself is make a life for yourself independent of him. This goes for any relationship. Be strong for yourself.

If he is not willing to get help, there is nothing you can do. Denial is a powerful adversary. But you are only as weak as you let yourself feel. Take back the control for yourself, forge ahead with plans if your own that are exclusive of him, whether it be a weekend with the girls, a night at the movies, spa time, school, whatever.

Find yourself a lawyer, this is a time to have your own business as far as your marriage goes in order. Find out your rights as far as the home goes. I know this may sound premature, but knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed. Combined with your therapy, you can be somewhat prepared for the unexpected. And not feel helpless and weak. Which in reality you aren't. You have been sideswiped. You can regain control.

And remember first and foremost, PTSD is no excuse for bad behaviour. Good luck.

 

[cPTSDwife]

It almost sounds to me that he is keeping you at arms's length, as back up, in case his roaming (in my suspicious mind I see it as sowing his wild oats) does not work out.

His problem is that he wants to be back in war. He wants to go to Iraq or Afgan. so bad again, he is having a hard time realizing that he never got to go back to fight again because I didn't want him to re-enlist. It was my understanding that he didn't either. He wants to become a private contractor so that he can go back over there and fight, I don't know if all of the chaos in Iraq right now is bringing back these feelings in him or what. I def. do not excuse his bad behavior or selfishness and the way he is handling things. I intend to try it his way for a little bit but I can not set idle and be miserable while he figures himself out for months at a time. I told him if he wanted to re-up with the marines, go for it. If he wanted to be a contractor, go for it. I will always support my husband and I can understand if he feels that he is missing out on something that is dear to him and maybe resents me for it but he needs to take responsibility as well and see that he is a big boy now and made his own choices. I love him but I will not be a fool. He is an adrenalin junky big time. I think that is a big problem of his.

I encouraged him to take a camping trip with some friends for a week or so, maybe go on a kayaking trip for a few days to help him relax some and he told me that he loved doing that stuff and is happy when he is doing it but then it is "gone in an instant and everything comes back" and he just misses being out there. Its almost like he doesn't want to live in a reality world where you work and pay bills and have a normal type of life that isn't always filled with adventure.

 

[nursenurse]

Unfortunately, by not seeking help he is going to have to hit rock bottom before he is able to start healing. I know you love him, that much is clear, and he loves you. But you still need to protect yourself and your interests. This site is full of broken relationships. You can be determined that this will not happen to you, but I still think you need some legal counsel, as well as a therapist for yourself. Get all your facts, all the help you can for yourself. If things work out, bonus, if they don't at least you will not have been blind sided yet again.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Unfortunately, by not seeking help he is going to have to hit rock bottom before he is able to start healing

When he first came home from Iraq in 2008, he went to treatment for a long time, he said that it did not help him and he is unwilling to try it again since it didn't help him before. He was also on a lot of different medications but he said they made him feel like a robot and doesn't want to live that way.. so when I encourage him to seek help, he is just certain that it is a waste of time again.

My husband doesn't value the opinions of many people, mainly just his battle buddies. He pretty much thinks everyone is stupid and can't help him since they weren't there with him in Iraq. It is very frustrating. It confuses me because he will be angry with me on the phone but still call me "baby" and he does tell me that he loves me.

He has never pushed me away, this is the very first time this has ever happened since being diagnosed in 2008/ He told me that he has been just trying to fight his feelings but they are just too much now. Maybe this is his "rock bottom" ? I love this man so much that it hurts. And all of this mixed with my separation anxiety is getting to be very tough on me. I just want to be in my home, I think that would help me so much but he won't even hear me out because "he needs this time alone" and I get that, I want to do what is best for us but being away from home is so hard and it is really getting to me. I don't know how to explain this to him because he gets angry with me thinking that I am trying to force myself back when he is pulling away.

 

[nursenurse]

Unfortunately, you can't explain this to him without making him feel pushed at the moment. The bottom line is, you have to figure out what your boundaries are, what you can tolerate in a relationship. Most folks who get married are in it for the worse as well as the better. The trouble is, sometimes the worse is more than we can handle, and sometimes we need to step away for the sake of our own self preservation. There is no shame in having to do that, some situations become intolerable. As long as he isn't seeking any assistance, you have to assume that your life is going to continue the way it is. I know I could not live like that for long, the question you need to ask yourself is how long can you? I am not saying walk now, but you deserve a life and a partner who is willing to work on himself. Now I can't remember if you are in therapy, but ask those questions with them, explore it. You can't afford to be blindsided by this if the worst does happen. You need a plan for yourself, legally and emotionally. My heart goes out to you.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Yeah, I started therapy last Tuesday. I may bring this up with her, we didn't get into it much. She doesn't seem like she really knows what to say, I guess because all of the questions I have can only be answered by him and I don't really know what to ask her. I go back Monday so we'll see. She did say that I had pretty much no self esteem left anymore, which I think is accurate. Also, I am very dependent on him, so I am very scared being put into this situation. I always put my husband before myself, I didn't go to college when I should have due to us moving around and making sure I was home to take care of his needs and spend time with him. I forgot how to be ME and always thought as a WE. So now, I don't know how to be or who I am. I want our marriage to work out more than anything. I was working on my issues, I had jobs apps filled out, college application filled out and now it is all on hold again.

I think the timing on this separation is very difficult for me as well, I mean, I guess it would be horrible anytime really but our 7th wedding anniversary is July 15th and my birthday soon follows and I don't know what to do.

 

[nursenurse]

You need to get out. There is no relationship on this earth that is worth you putting your life on hold for. You have to make some sort of life for yourself. Sign up for a course, if you can't get to school, on line if you have to. Apply for a job, find some way of contributing to yourself.

The We takes two Mes, each bringing individuality to the table. I know you feel overwhelmed, but you have to dig deep and find it within yourself to not just react, but to act. You are seeing a therapist, that is great. Stop asking her about your husband. Her job is to help you. Focus on the one person who has been neglected all this time. You. Whatever the future holds, you can't go back to the way it was, and neither should you. Instead of holing up with his family, could you hang out with yours? Your hand is being forced at the moment, and if your relationship with them is good, it might be a better solution. You may need the lawyer to help figure out your house rights. At the very least he owes you financial support, which should help you stay solvent. You have to start thinking with your head and not with your heart. Then you will be empowered.

 

[cPTSDwife]

Instead of holing up with his family, could you hang out with yours?

My family do not know that I am here. Mainly because I didn't want to deal with any questions from them or things like that yet or until I had to. I didn't want to let people know if I didn't have to be here for long, I guess I was in a lala land thinking it'd be a couple days and he'd tell me to come on home! {I wish..}

We were young when we got married and honestly, I thought I was doing it right. I thought that's how it was suppose to be, his needs before mine. Maybe I am just old fashioned. I know that I cannot do this forever, since this is his first real outburst, its hard to accept that it is really happening and he is doing this to me. I feel for him, I know he is going through a hard time but I am important too. I just need to figure out how to open the dialogue about everything to him. Maybe she will help me on Monday.

Thank you for your advise. I can only hope and pray that it doesn't take the divorce route because I have a lot of fight left in me, if only I could be by his side. I will def. have to keep all options and doors open though :(

 

[nursenurse]

I am so sorry. Who of us would not want to hope that it will be over in a few days or so? It is hope that can carry us, but we need to keep grounded in the facts as presented. Even if next week he called and said "Come home!" You would have to have a plan B and have your boundaries set and be able to convey them. If he isn't willing to listen and try, there isn't much you can do. It can leave you feeling helpless as far as he is concerned, but don't let it turn you Into mush for too long. There is life to live.and you deserve that.

I understand about not wanting to tell everyone. I just find it a little odd as most of us would turn to our own families if possible for support. I hope his parents are being kind and loving to you.