D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #434
I woke up extremely sad again today. I don't want to get out of bed. I just don't want to face another day. I just...I can't do it today.
I've got another contractor who's supposed to come today and I just don't want to deal with anything.
I sent a message to my guy friend last night saying I was crying and crap - I got no reply. That hurt.
I was too afraid to tell my sister. I don't want her over reacting or coming in and trying to control everything, worse yet, I don't want her posting on FB how great a person she is for coming to "rescue" me. Sometimes I think she does things for people simply to boost her online reputation rather than because she actually cares.
I just want to shut the world off for a little while.
The thought of shutting it off permanently does keep creeping in. I keep seeing no point to my life anymore without him. I used to say how ridiculous it was for people to kill themselves "over another person" like a breakup or death or even after a suicide but I get it now.
In my head, the reality is that I no longer have anyone who can love me the way he did. I have no one who understands me the way he did. The two people still left in my reality are ill equipped to handle real emotion because both of them have lived their entire lives alone.
My sister has never had a boyfriend let alone a relationship. My on again/off again guy friend has never been in love with anyone as far as I know; he's the same age as my husband was and has never had a significant relationship on his life. He has a gf now but doesn't seem to want to accommodate her in his lifestyle.
These are the only two people I have to reach out to and emotionally, they're both handicapped.
I keep thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I pulled my husband's happiness down and drowned him in my dark wallowing depressive damaged PTSD mindset. Maybe I was no longer the person he needed in life and since he didn't have anyone else he killed himself.
I've always felt a little hollow inside. I think that's why it hurt so much to not be able to achieve what I viewed as success. I remember complaining once that my life was going no where and that I felt I should have made a mark on the world by now and my husband turning to me and saying angrily, "Why do you say your life is so unfulfilled? Do I not mean anything?"
That was way before PTSD invaded my life. I tried to explain that he was the ONLY good thing in my life but in the grander scheme of things I'd seen more for me, more than just a paramedic, more education, more opportunity, a higher status in life. I wanted him with me in that but then PTSD hit and side railed the education I was doing. Then workers compensation kept pressuring me to get better and my employer kept pressuring me to get back to work or leave, then I lost my job, my entire life's work and my outlook got darker. Death felt like it was never more than 2 feet over my shoulder. All I had left in this world to hold onto was my husband.
Now he's gone and some days it's hard to find reasons to just keep breathing for the sake of breathing...and there's no one who wants to hear that from me.
I'm strong. I keep hearing that. I don't feel strong. I just want to lay down. I feel like I'm dragging myself through my days and I'm tired of pulling the weight.
I've felt like this so many times through this whole post trauma world that I just want it to stop happening. I'm tired of being strong.
I lost the only person in my life that was worth living for. Now what do I do? What purpose do I have?
The only person who comes to this house anymore is my sister and I feel like I have to play the happy-happy-I'm-okay game while she's here...and it's tiring trying to appear fine. I'm not fine but no one is equipped to deal with that.
My husband understood how I could be not okay. He understood my giving up days. I know in the last half a year he didn't have much patience with me anymore so I tried not to burden him with my petty crap. I would smile and play nice-nice until he'd leave for work then I'd collapse and scream and cry so I wouldn't burden him.
And still he would get impatient with me. I resented him some days because he treated me like he treated his coworkers, he accused me of not hearing him on purpose if he mumbled something
I've got another contractor who's supposed to come today and I just don't want to deal with anything.
I sent a message to my guy friend last night saying I was crying and crap - I got no reply. That hurt.
I was too afraid to tell my sister. I don't want her over reacting or coming in and trying to control everything, worse yet, I don't want her posting on FB how great a person she is for coming to "rescue" me. Sometimes I think she does things for people simply to boost her online reputation rather than because she actually cares.
I just want to shut the world off for a little while.
The thought of shutting it off permanently does keep creeping in. I keep seeing no point to my life anymore without him. I used to say how ridiculous it was for people to kill themselves "over another person" like a breakup or death or even after a suicide but I get it now.
In my head, the reality is that I no longer have anyone who can love me the way he did. I have no one who understands me the way he did. The two people still left in my reality are ill equipped to handle real emotion because both of them have lived their entire lives alone.
My sister has never had a boyfriend let alone a relationship. My on again/off again guy friend has never been in love with anyone as far as I know; he's the same age as my husband was and has never had a significant relationship on his life. He has a gf now but doesn't seem to want to accommodate her in his lifestyle.
These are the only two people I have to reach out to and emotionally, they're both handicapped.
I keep thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I pulled my husband's happiness down and drowned him in my dark wallowing depressive damaged PTSD mindset. Maybe I was no longer the person he needed in life and since he didn't have anyone else he killed himself.
I've always felt a little hollow inside. I think that's why it hurt so much to not be able to achieve what I viewed as success. I remember complaining once that my life was going no where and that I felt I should have made a mark on the world by now and my husband turning to me and saying angrily, "Why do you say your life is so unfulfilled? Do I not mean anything?"
That was way before PTSD invaded my life. I tried to explain that he was the ONLY good thing in my life but in the grander scheme of things I'd seen more for me, more than just a paramedic, more education, more opportunity, a higher status in life. I wanted him with me in that but then PTSD hit and side railed the education I was doing. Then workers compensation kept pressuring me to get better and my employer kept pressuring me to get back to work or leave, then I lost my job, my entire life's work and my outlook got darker. Death felt like it was never more than 2 feet over my shoulder. All I had left in this world to hold onto was my husband.
Now he's gone and some days it's hard to find reasons to just keep breathing for the sake of breathing...and there's no one who wants to hear that from me.
I'm strong. I keep hearing that. I don't feel strong. I just want to lay down. I feel like I'm dragging myself through my days and I'm tired of pulling the weight.
I've felt like this so many times through this whole post trauma world that I just want it to stop happening. I'm tired of being strong.
I lost the only person in my life that was worth living for. Now what do I do? What purpose do I have?
The only person who comes to this house anymore is my sister and I feel like I have to play the happy-happy-I'm-okay game while she's here...and it's tiring trying to appear fine. I'm not fine but no one is equipped to deal with that.
My husband understood how I could be not okay. He understood my giving up days. I know in the last half a year he didn't have much patience with me anymore so I tried not to burden him with my petty crap. I would smile and play nice-nice until he'd leave for work then I'd collapse and scream and cry so I wouldn't burden him.
And still he would get impatient with me. I resented him some days because he treated me like he treated his coworkers, he accused me of not hearing him on purpose if he mumbled something
scout86
VIP Member
What purpose do you WANT to have? There are many options out there and the choices are yours.
And that's what they are/were, right? "Days"? They pass and there are different sorts of days? Better days?
It really sounds like your husband was dealing with a lot of his own stuff during that last half a year, when he didn't have as much patience. And, maybe, he didn't want to burden you with it, just like you didn't want to burden him? It reminds me of the story "The Gift of the Magi", where the young couple wants to give each other the perfect Christmas gift. She has beautiful hair that she's quite proud of, he has a beautiful pocket watch. She sells her hair to buy a watch fob. He sells his watch to buy combs for her hair........ Neither tells the other, of course, until it's too late. It sounds like you were each trying to protect the other, out of love. Both sad an lovely at the same time.
There are way more people in the world than your sister and your friend. There are a lot of people out there who will appreciate you and value all that you have to offer (and I think you have a lot to offer), you just haven't met them yet.
I wish I had more help to offer! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and, sooner or later, you'll be past the meeting with the contractor and on to better days. Even if that doesn't seem possible. :hug:
- Post starter
- #436
Shoot hit the wrong button.
He was under a lot of stress so I would just shut up and avoid him and try to keep his home life as stress less as possible. He was pulling away from me. He was refusing to live on his days off just retreating into his laptop or a device. I let him because he always told me playing his games was "stress relief" for him.
In the months leading up to his death I was pushing him more and more to get out, to go hiking, to go driving to just get us out of the house so that we could just be a part of life again. I felt like I was dying inside and I needed to move, to have purpose, to be alive inside. I felt like I was forcing him to do things he didn't want to do.
Then he got hurt at work and I felt even worse for "forcing" him to go out because he complained about his pain more. I said one day that I wanted to do something that he liked doing, so he said, let's go to the park and I said, no it's not something you like doing because you get too sore, I feel like I'm hurting you more when we go out there. He pouted and said, it hurts but that's just pain, it's good for me to be out there.
We were out there the week before he died. We were supposed to go back out there the day he died.
Did I push him too hard? Did I make him feel worthless because of his discomfort and pain? Did he feel like he was dragging me down?
Because he wasn't. I was trying to make us both live. We were both dying inside. I didn't know how else to make him feel better. I didn't know how to make me feel better. Just when I thought everything in our life was going to get better, the lawsuit was going to settle, we could let go of that stress and start getting me real honest help again, we could start rebuilding our lives...
I was even starting to feel more in control of my symptoms, I was being so much braver, taking chances, feeling comfortable on my own, starting to feel confident and slightly more independent again.
He killed himself.
He lost all hope and killed himself. He was daydreaming heavily about the settlement and it was scaring me. He was imagining buying new computers and devices and cars and going on vacation and paying off the mortgage...I wasn't in any of those ideas. My future treatment wasn't in any of his dreams, it's like I was going to get this settlement and just hand all of that money over to him. There were no plans for my future, my education, my treatment or any of the responsibilities around the house like the roof, the crumbling driveway, the uninsulated garage door.
I've always been the buzz kill. I've always been the one who reminds people to stay on the earth and not go dreaming off into space. He was a dreamer. Why didn't I just let him dream? Why did I have to point out all of the things we needed that money for first before we could play?
Maybe I was never any good for him. Maybe I sucked whatever little bit of life he was trying to hold onto right out of him.
I'm tired of being strong. There's no one left here for me to be strong for.
I don't want to do today.
He was under a lot of stress so I would just shut up and avoid him and try to keep his home life as stress less as possible. He was pulling away from me. He was refusing to live on his days off just retreating into his laptop or a device. I let him because he always told me playing his games was "stress relief" for him.
In the months leading up to his death I was pushing him more and more to get out, to go hiking, to go driving to just get us out of the house so that we could just be a part of life again. I felt like I was dying inside and I needed to move, to have purpose, to be alive inside. I felt like I was forcing him to do things he didn't want to do.
Then he got hurt at work and I felt even worse for "forcing" him to go out because he complained about his pain more. I said one day that I wanted to do something that he liked doing, so he said, let's go to the park and I said, no it's not something you like doing because you get too sore, I feel like I'm hurting you more when we go out there. He pouted and said, it hurts but that's just pain, it's good for me to be out there.
We were out there the week before he died. We were supposed to go back out there the day he died.
Did I push him too hard? Did I make him feel worthless because of his discomfort and pain? Did he feel like he was dragging me down?
Because he wasn't. I was trying to make us both live. We were both dying inside. I didn't know how else to make him feel better. I didn't know how to make me feel better. Just when I thought everything in our life was going to get better, the lawsuit was going to settle, we could let go of that stress and start getting me real honest help again, we could start rebuilding our lives...
I was even starting to feel more in control of my symptoms, I was being so much braver, taking chances, feeling comfortable on my own, starting to feel confident and slightly more independent again.
He killed himself.
He lost all hope and killed himself. He was daydreaming heavily about the settlement and it was scaring me. He was imagining buying new computers and devices and cars and going on vacation and paying off the mortgage...I wasn't in any of those ideas. My future treatment wasn't in any of his dreams, it's like I was going to get this settlement and just hand all of that money over to him. There were no plans for my future, my education, my treatment or any of the responsibilities around the house like the roof, the crumbling driveway, the uninsulated garage door.
I've always been the buzz kill. I've always been the one who reminds people to stay on the earth and not go dreaming off into space. He was a dreamer. Why didn't I just let him dream? Why did I have to point out all of the things we needed that money for first before we could play?
Maybe I was never any good for him. Maybe I sucked whatever little bit of life he was trying to hold onto right out of him.
I'm tired of being strong. There's no one left here for me to be strong for.
I don't want to do today.
D
Deleted member 12723
@Medic72 :hug:
Take a lot of naps today. Have a pajama day and eat whatever you like today. You are human and in mourning. I did not have support either. My situation is far less complex than yours but I remember taking a lot of naps
I understand the questions and not having any way to get the answers. This really sucks and the only way out is through it one day at a time. Just take care of you today the best you can.
Take a lot of naps today. Have a pajama day and eat whatever you like today. You are human and in mourning. I did not have support either. My situation is far less complex than yours but I remember taking a lot of naps
I understand the questions and not having any way to get the answers. This really sucks and the only way out is through it one day at a time. Just take care of you today the best you can.
- Post starter
- #438
I haven't gotten out of bed yet today. I just keep crying. I feel completely destroyed.
I posted on FB that I'm having a horrible day and I posted about the nightmare I had about him last night. Everyone says bad days happen and cheer up tomorrow will be better. He'll still be dead tomorrow. It won't be "better". Other people say it's okay to be anxious about contractors...this is so not about the contractors today!
This is about being lonely. Having lost the one person in this world who loved me and understood me and the pain of knowing he shot himself.
He just had to wait for me to wake up. He just had to hold on for another hour until I got out of bed. He just had to come and get me. He didn't have to go to the basement and get his gun. He didn't have to shoot himself.
There was nothing wrong with his heart!!! His pain would have gone away if he'd just stayed in physio or we could have asked for help. We could have got him better physio. He didn't have to die!!
I couldn't stop it. I didn't see it coming. I couldn't save him. How could he hurt himself like that??? How could he do that?
I miss him so much. It just hurts so much today.
I posted on FB that I'm having a horrible day and I posted about the nightmare I had about him last night. Everyone says bad days happen and cheer up tomorrow will be better. He'll still be dead tomorrow. It won't be "better". Other people say it's okay to be anxious about contractors...this is so not about the contractors today!
This is about being lonely. Having lost the one person in this world who loved me and understood me and the pain of knowing he shot himself.
He just had to wait for me to wake up. He just had to hold on for another hour until I got out of bed. He just had to come and get me. He didn't have to go to the basement and get his gun. He didn't have to shoot himself.
There was nothing wrong with his heart!!! His pain would have gone away if he'd just stayed in physio or we could have asked for help. We could have got him better physio. He didn't have to die!!
I couldn't stop it. I didn't see it coming. I couldn't save him. How could he hurt himself like that??? How could he do that?
I miss him so much. It just hurts so much today.
D
Deleted member 12723
@Medic72 I felt like I had become a leper to those around me when my husband died. It is a taboo subject in society and people do not want to walk through this because it hits too close to home I think.
You are alone now, fact. You are in grief and mourning fact. You have thoughts and questions and many realizations I went through this one as well, just not to the depths you are because he killed himself and it is a huge stressor in your life.
It will eventually be okay but you are the one in need right now and it compounds the feeling of loneliness and loss. Just keep on taking care of you number one priority because no one else is going to and this makes your loss that much greater.
My mom was killed in a small plane crash and the nightmares were very bad for me. I have experienced so much loss of family members in my life. So I have had practice and it makes me appreciate the people I do love even more.
Everything is going to be okay eventually. Just keep on writing and pouring your heart soul mind and spirit out of you.
f*ck the people that do not understand nor can be there for you in a way that you need okay?:hug:
You are alone now, fact. You are in grief and mourning fact. You have thoughts and questions and many realizations I went through this one as well, just not to the depths you are because he killed himself and it is a huge stressor in your life.
It will eventually be okay but you are the one in need right now and it compounds the feeling of loneliness and loss. Just keep on taking care of you number one priority because no one else is going to and this makes your loss that much greater.
My mom was killed in a small plane crash and the nightmares were very bad for me. I have experienced so much loss of family members in my life. So I have had practice and it makes me appreciate the people I do love even more.
Everything is going to be okay eventually. Just keep on writing and pouring your heart soul mind and spirit out of you.
f*ck the people that do not understand nor can be there for you in a way that you need okay?:hug:
- Post starter
- #440
My husband's old partner IM'd me today and asked to come over tomorrow - we'd made plans to do my lawncare - but I'm just not feeling well. Even though I hate being alone and I'd love to have someone with me I hardly think it would be appropriate to be this emotional with a guy I hardly know.
I've been cycling through some pretty painful bouts of very intense sobbing throughout the day. A couple of times I just rocked myself to sleep.
I did get up but only enough to get downstairs to feed myself cereal. My sister called me and we talked for an hour or so, I cried a couple of times because she kept talking about people committing suicide - she's worried about a coworker. So not appropriate for me today. I think she got it after I cried. She wants me to spend the day with her tomorrow. She has to drop her car off at the repair shop so she wants me to meet her. I just feel so exhausted but I also know that I should not be alone, so I'm going to have to drag myself out tomorrow, no crying or giving up allowed.
I was here all day and didn't have the energy to cancel the contractor who was supposed to come but that's fine because no one showed up or called anyway. Guess they don't want any business. I'll call a different person next week. This week I'm just worn down.
S
My entire body hurts.
I've been cycling through some pretty painful bouts of very intense sobbing throughout the day. A couple of times I just rocked myself to sleep.
I did get up but only enough to get downstairs to feed myself cereal. My sister called me and we talked for an hour or so, I cried a couple of times because she kept talking about people committing suicide - she's worried about a coworker. So not appropriate for me today. I think she got it after I cried. She wants me to spend the day with her tomorrow. She has to drop her car off at the repair shop so she wants me to meet her. I just feel so exhausted but I also know that I should not be alone, so I'm going to have to drag myself out tomorrow, no crying or giving up allowed.
I was here all day and didn't have the energy to cancel the contractor who was supposed to come but that's fine because no one showed up or called anyway. Guess they don't want any business. I'll call a different person next week. This week I'm just worn down.
S
My entire body hurts.
- Post starter
- #441
Okay, it's official I hate using my mobile to try to type in here. I keep hitting the post button accidentally. Especially since my sister keeps IMing me while I'm typing.
Anyway, yes, I am worn down, I'm fatigued and my entire body just hurts. My muscles all feel heavy. My head aches. My sinuses ache. My eyes are just puffy and I feel sick. OH yeah and this evening I was just getting myself together after a wailing episode and I get an IM alert, so I open it and my nephew's fiance is asking for my email address so her maid of honor can send me and invitation to her Bridal Shower!!! I almost threw up.
The last thing I really want to deal with today is someone else's upcoming wedding! Like seriously? Check FB chick and maybe think twice next time you want to try to make me feel better by bringing up your wedding - my husband is DEAD! Grrrr.
My hubby's old partner said that he doesn't need to come here just to do my yardwork, he said he can come over just for pizza or something, he said he just wants to come to visit me because he wants to see me. That made my heart melt and immediately my mind screamed, "Don't get too trusting, we really don't know this guy too well." I keep thinking he has some ulterior motive...it's really hard for me to trust anyone from that service anymore. That being said, my hubby liked him, thought he was too soft, but liked him overall.
I'm just so tired now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I'm hoping I'm done with the crying today.
Anyway, yes, I am worn down, I'm fatigued and my entire body just hurts. My muscles all feel heavy. My head aches. My sinuses ache. My eyes are just puffy and I feel sick. OH yeah and this evening I was just getting myself together after a wailing episode and I get an IM alert, so I open it and my nephew's fiance is asking for my email address so her maid of honor can send me and invitation to her Bridal Shower!!! I almost threw up.
The last thing I really want to deal with today is someone else's upcoming wedding! Like seriously? Check FB chick and maybe think twice next time you want to try to make me feel better by bringing up your wedding - my husband is DEAD! Grrrr.
My hubby's old partner said that he doesn't need to come here just to do my yardwork, he said he can come over just for pizza or something, he said he just wants to come to visit me because he wants to see me. That made my heart melt and immediately my mind screamed, "Don't get too trusting, we really don't know this guy too well." I keep thinking he has some ulterior motive...it's really hard for me to trust anyone from that service anymore. That being said, my hubby liked him, thought he was too soft, but liked him overall.
I'm just so tired now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I'm hoping I'm done with the crying today.
D
Deleted member 12723
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!! That really makes me angry that she would do that to you I guess she is just thinking about herself right now. You do not have to respond at all. I took a lot of naps and they were a temporary escape from all of the fatigue etc. I was just so burned out.
Some people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:hug:
Some people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:hug:
stillstanding2
Gold Member
can support others in grief who have yet to pass through the stages that I have, and I sense that is a passion for you also. I've watched this entire thread, and it seems to me you deserve huge respect for what you have been through, and now you are offering your wisdom to Medic through loving comments.
What I'm getting at is that all of our losses have equal standing. They are all unjust, all leave questions, uncertainties, fears, anger and tears. But it takes time and living to adapt to that.
What I'm getting at is that all of our losses have equal standing. They are all unjust, all leave questions, uncertainties, fears, anger and tears. But it takes time and living to adapt to that.
stillstanding2
Gold Member
ERROR ALERT PLEASE DISREGARD MY LAST POST. I had meant it as a comment on something Gizmo said, so it was not relevant to the thread. I tried to delete the whole thing, but somehow the last fragment escaped the delete. Sorry for any confusion.
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