My husband died today

[NarcSis]

I wanted to do some of the same things that we would have done during the summers. At first I wanted to go out camping and live by myself for a week but I can't do it due to the anxiety - he was indispensable there, he was the one who had my back and I had his, now there's no one there if I get into trouble, so the thought of going camping terrifies me now. I also want to go to a Scottish Festival that he and I went to almost every year for the past four years but I keep thinking about last summer and how I got angry with him. I was angry with him a lot in the last little while...he'd been pulling away from me for longer than I think I'd like to admit.

We went to the Scottish Festival last year and he was grumpy. He seemed disinterested, withdrawn and since it was my sister's first time there, he was acting annoyed about being there. When I asked him if something was wrong he just told me that his neck was killing him and all this standing and the drive up was too much already for him. I pouted. I was doing it to try to cheer him up because I knew he was stressed out from his partner leaving. He'd been stressed out WITH that partner so I thought the guy leaving would put an end to the grumpy guss that always came home from work complaining about the guy, but it didn't, it just made things worse, especially since they didn't bother filling that spot with anyone for months so he got whoever walked through the door each day. First let me say, that alone is stressful, I know that because they did the same to me after my partner left to go on maternity leave, it wasn't until I "broke" on my trauma call that they finally placed a permanent partner with me. Both he and I had to resort to complaining to our supervisors about everyone else except us getting a permanent scheduled partner when the regular partner left for one reason or another. Everyone else seemed to have someone filling in permanently for whatever period their regular partner was away but nope, I played the Partner Roulette and so did my husband. It's hell. There's no trust. There's no rapport. It's anxiety provoking and very stressful. It can break you. If anything, it magnifies the stress you're already under from day to day.

Anyway, I was doing what I could to try to remember the things that made him happy. He was Scottish heritage, he liked the Scottish Festival, so up we went for the day. We ended up watching the opening parade, he complained that he was hungry, we made our way to the food area and the lineups were insane, he complained that he was in pain and needed to sit down so we left and went into town to a restaurant. He complained about the food. I was mad because he was ruining the trip. i was angry with him for being such a "baby" because I wasn't so sure that his neck was bothering him that much, after all he was fine once we got to the restaurant. All in all, we spent an hour at the festival and really didn't get to see any of the entertainment. I think back now and I get upset at myself for being so selfish and being angry with him ruining the Scottish Festival for Me! What about him??? He was in pain. I think it's because I sometimes thought that he over-used the neck pain excuse when he just didn't want to do things. On the way home I remember he complained that it was more a Celtic Festival anyway and he didn't feel like he fit in, he was "born in Canada, I'm not really Scottish." I think I said to him, because I was in a foul mood already, that we didn't ever have to come back again if it made him uncomfortable. In all honesty, no one there was born in Scotland, they're all Canadians of Scots descent, heck, some were French and English for crying out loud - not even one ounce Scots!

I want to go back but I want to try to remember when we were happy there, I want to pay homage to him in some way. Perhaps this will be my last trip there. A goodbye of sorts.

My sister wants to go to some lavender festival. She doesn't get how emotional and necessary it is for me to make the trip up to the Scottish Festival. I promised her that we'd go on Saturday to the Scottish Festival and Sunday to the Lavender Festival but we'll see just how drained I am...who am I kidding, she'll be pouting like I was to him last year if we don't go on Sunday. I'm sure I'll hear, "Oh, well, maybe I should just go home then." or some other threat. I have to learn to take a deep breath when she starts to try to manipulate me emotionally.

It makes me angry when I think of him being gone and all of the things I needed him here for. He was my shield from her. He'd try to explain to her when I'd flip out for what she saw as a minor issue and he knew how to get in between us when he'd see me starting to get agitated by her. He was that voice of reason and I know that she always felt that he was Between us, but I thanked God for him being between us. I wouldn't have ever been able to develop my own identity or personality if it wasn't for him taking me out of that dynamic I'd been stuck in since I was a kid. I'm afraid now that she's trying to revert everything back to those pre-husband days. I mean, she has already made disparaging comments about my new friend and she doesn't even know her! I don't intend to introduce her either, I want something that is just mine. This is why I wanted so badly to cultivate a closer relationship with my old buddy and his new girlfriend - my sister does not like him, so she would not want to do anything that involved him. Of course, in her mind, she does not want me associating with him in any way, I've already heard, "Huh, I don't know why you'd want to hang out with that a-hole anyway." She's all but come out and accused me of being "after him". I mean, how ridiculous, the man has a girlfriend and I'm actually happy for him, it's been a lonely decade for him.

It also scares me that she's made comments like, "I couldn't see you with anyone else, it wouldn't be right." Ummm, MY LIFE, MY DECISION and it has NOTHING to do with her! And if I ever decide to see anyone, I'm going to have to do it without her knowing - she's already suspected that I'm "going behind her back" and "seeing" my buddy!!! And she repeatedly talks about how other people have "jumped into bed with someone" so soon after their husband died, "like only a year later!" She's even spoken of my mom and how "it wouldn't have been right to see her with someone else. Dad was dad." and I said, yeah, and she died from loneliness only 8 years after he did and she was young! My mom was only a year post my Dad when she had her first heart attack. I used to go home and see the loneliness in her eyes. Once he was gone there was no one, we all had our own lives. In 6 years my husband would have been the same age my Mom was when she died...but now, he's dead too.

How much longer do I have? Seriously, how long am I going to last like this? Will my heart fail too?

I need to find a life that is mine alone. I need my own friends that my sister doesn't need to know. I need my own life again. I feel like I've just been flung back 20 years in time, but I'm an "old lady" trying to navigate the big scary world again. I'm too old to 'date' and I don't have a huge social life. Perhaps I will be able to find new friends in the new volunteer job I've applied too. It's working in the community garden, I start at some point this week or next. I'm terrified but pulling weeds should be okay, it's the people element I'm afraid of.

I used to be strongly independent but after PTSD I became HIGHLY dependent upon my husband. I don't know how to be independent again. It's a tough learning curve especially trying to keep the PTSD under wraps. I don't have a choice now, I have to function and I have to rejoin the "working world" at some point whether it's just volunteer or part time /casual. My future terrifies me. I'd rather just stay here at home, manage my house, have the freedom to run to the park when I need too or visit with friends when I feel up to it and not worry about pleasing anyone else in this life.

Uggh. So tough. So much I have to consider now. How could he have left me like this? It was just way too early. We weren't prepared for death. He wasn't ready to go yet. We were supposed to get old together. I'm beating myself up pretty good these days. I was pretty mean to him in this last year, so easily frustrated with his moods and his injuries and I felt so much like he was using them as crutches. I just wanted him to LIVE again because I was struggling so damned hard to connect with life while he was just pulling away from it and merely existing beside me.

How could that have happened to him? How can he be dead? How could life have killed him?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm afraid now that she's trying to revert everything back to those pre-husband days. I mean, she has already made disparaging comments about my new friend and she doesn't even know her! I don't intend to introduce her either, I want something that is just mine.

I think that you are seeing things more clearly now due to your grief process. I think that wanting a life of your own is a steller idea and I really hope that you can make this happen for yourself.

My husband in the last three years was always sick and had a stomach ache and could not tolerate going on long drives and I was so housebound that I got annoyed with him as well, something that haunted me for along time after his death that I could have been more tolerant and patient.

I understand that being the full time caregiver for him without support except for the people on the forum, was very mentally draining and I was so exhausted all of the time and worried that he was going to have a really bad fall and break his bones. He did have some falls but thankfully I was right beside him and kept him from falling.

So I can relate to what you are saying, please do not be so hard on yourself, you did not know that your husband had worlds inside of him that he did not share with you for his own reasons. You just did not have all of the information you needed.

I understand how the memories can haunt you, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time I think. I sure hope that this makes some sense to you and if not please just ignore it.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I was reading through my old journal entries and I see just how much I complained about him in the months leading to his death and it makes me extremely guilty but interspersed in there are entries where I'm beside myself because the weather is bad and I'm so worried for him. I never voiced any of those "mean things" to him, I just put them down on "paper" to get them out of me so I wouldn't direct them at him. But we argued over the stupidest things in the months leading to his death. I was beside myself to get him to grab onto life again. I was trying everything I could and he just seemed to be giving up and not trying anymore to reduce his stress levels. It was like he was happier being miserable.

I mean, he wasn't miserable all the time, but a good portion of those months he was angry, he was sullen, he was withdrawing more and more from me and I did not want to push him so hard to do things with me because I know he needed his relax time. I was trying so hard to get him to see just how much he was letting go of...but I guess I didn't do it right. In one entry I was beside myself with anger over what I perceived as him giving up on living and me struggling to find ways to connect with life again. We were at completely different places and I didn't know how to bridge the gap. He was treating me harsher as the months went by, as if I was an annoyance to him.

And yet, each day, we still hugged one another, we still kissed each other and I tried so hard to replace the contact lost in the bedroom with other forms of intimacy, like touching one another, holding hands, hugs, touching his legs as I sat beside him on the couch. Most of the time I got pushed away or asked grumpily, "What are you doing?" He was getting mean with me but I swallowed all of that down and put it all off as just him being stressed. He'd spend hours plugged in to some device or another and I'd be climbing the walls. There are a lot of desperate entries where I am so upset that I am considering dying. I am considering leaving him alone to live his life unencumbered by me because I was already blaming myself and the PTSD for the amount of stress he was under. I wanted to die because I felt unloved by him.

He was detaching from me. I didn't know how to bring him back. I didn't know how to ease his stress. I did everything I could, I made him lunches, I cleaned up for him, I made his favorite meals, I let him sit but I also made him get up and do things because I didn't want to lose him. I was afraid he was going to leave me or ask for a divorce or worse yet, get killed at work.

I still remember the week before he died that I made him lamb shanks and since it was my first time ever cooking them, I was worried about how they would come out. He went to cut into it and it just melted off the bone so he shouted from the living room where I'd served him his meal, "Oh my God, it just falls off the bone!" As I came into the living room with my meal, he took his first bite. I had time to put my plate on the coffee table when he just looked at me astounded, stood up, grabbed me by the sides of the head and said emphatically, "I LOVE YOU!!" as he planted the biggest kiss of my life on my lips. I couldn't help but laugh. I said, "I guess they're good?" and chuckled, while he was saying, "Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmmm." over and over while digging back into his meal, "Oh way better than any restaurant. You're amazing. I love you! You don't even like lamb, you do this for me!" I did. I always did things specifically for him because I wanted him to be happy. I did everything in my life for him.

How could that have happened and then less than 10 days later he was dead?

I had been hoping to recreate that reaction that Saturday night with my slow cooked BBQ ribs - but didn't think that ribs were probably a bad idea since his Ribs were why he was in such pain in the first place. I felt like an idiot after I found out he was dead, I kept thinking to myself, "I fed him ribs last night. How stupid was I? I just reinforced the reason why he was upset to begin with."

I watched a movie tonight that had a funeral scene in it. I was shaking and crying hysterically. I kept thinking of his funeral. I kept seeing his casket leaving the church - leaving me for good, never to be seen again. I remember how badly it hit me then. He was Dead, I was alone. There would be no one to ever talk to about anything ever again. There would be no more happy smiles, no more long intellectual talks, no more snugs, no more hugs n kisses, no more staring into his eyes and watching how they moved or touching his face examining every line on his skin. I was completely overwhelmed that day. My entire face went numb. I could barely stand up. I had to be helped down the aisle. I thought I was going to collapse and all I could scream was, "Tinny, No! Please, No! Don't leave me!" I could not feel my body that day. I felt like I was somewhere watching just above my head and still, it hurts to even think about it.

People say that he wouldn't have wanted me to be so sad all the time. Well, I don't see why not. I loved him with every ounce of my very being. I couldn't think of any more ways to show him how much I loved him and YET, I still wanted to die each and every time I got angry with him - that was always zero to 150; still is when my sister gets me riled up, I just want to die in an instant. I hate that because then I have to fight and it hurts so bad and I am so tired of fighting this battle and it's harder to find reasons to stay here anymore. I stayed mostly for him.

I am applying for another dog. He's 6, fully trained, so far no behavioral issues, he's quiet, calm, house trained and good on a leash. He a beagle. He's also rescued from a hoarding situation, so I expect there might be some tiny issues with regard to him but nothing the foster mom has mentioned. Although I'm now not so sure that I have the temperament or the patience to own a dog, I'm wanting to try because I need something else to live for. I need a reason to keep holding on. I need someone to talk to and to keep me company when I'm sad and when things get bad for me. My old partner's dog loved me the other day. I don't know why. She came over and put her head in my lap as soon as I sat down and my friend looked at her stunned and apologized to me. I didn't mind. I stroked her head almost the entire time I was there. She even curled up on my feet which apparently is another thing they've never seen her do with a stranger. My hiking friend's dogs are also finally getting used to me, her smallest came over and allowed me to pet her the other day and she sat comfortably at my feet. The other one is still slightly wary of me but now will walk beside me and sniff my hand. I want what they have, I want someone to be with me like that.

I'm at 5 and a half months almost now without my husband. I don't like that time just keeps marching on. It's getting closer to our anniversary and I don't want it to be here yet. I don't know if I was somehow thinking we'd be together or he'd be home by then, but I'm now not looking forward to it. I'm still wearing his ring above mine. I think I might wear them like that all the time now. He belonged with me, even though we were going through a rough spell, we were still happy, we still loved one another but his negativity was starting to win over him and in the end, it got him. It took him from me. I never saw it coming. I didn't. He never once talked about wanting to hurt himself. He never once hinted about dying. He made a cryptic comment the day before and another about an hour later and I DID NOT get the disguised message that he was saying, "I'm thinking of harming myself." Why didn't he just SAY IT to me!? All he had to do was say those words and be brave enough to admit it to himself. We could have had someone come over to talk to him, we could have called a crisis line. We could have gone to the Dr. We could have done SOMETHING. Why didn't he want me to help him?

I could have helped him. I just needed to be told what to do. I just needed him beside me. How could he turn his back on me like that? How could he leave me? I cry every single day for him. It's been a long 165 days.

My nephew posted today that he marries the love of his life in 100 days and I got upset, I hate happy couples and all I could think about was he and his fiance making out, practically crawling into each other's lap in the pews at my husband's viewing!! How absolutely horribly disrespectful!! Young love my ass, you don't do that in a church, and you most certainly do NOT do that when there is a dead body 10 feet away from you!!! I'm not looking forward to that wedding.

165 days today. I can't imagine. I keep getting these urges to just go out and completely blow all the money he left me. Just go away somewhere, rent a cabin, disappear for a week. I was considering installing central air into the house, "so when it comes time for my family to sell it they'll get more". It's like I don't plan to be around to have a future. Maybe it's because I never felt like I had a future anyway, everything is blank and I feel like death is just over my shoulder again - it's like how I felt in the beginning of the PTSD all over again.

I know it'll be a year before I could potentially get any more money from his insurance company, so I really should wait on those renovations I want to do (central air and finish the basement) but I keep getting these urges to run away - go spend a night in a B&B somewhere or rent a cottage. Besides, I'm not guaranteed any money from them for this "accident" so for now I have to hold myself back and temper my urges to just go out and get rid of all of the "proceeds of his death." That saying really is true, you're worth more dead than alive. Alive we were struggling, scaling back our plans, fighting to discover alternative ways to live and be happy - we couldn't do anymore vacations and hotel stays or go to movies or eat out nearly as much as we wanted. I was buying more store brand foods and stocking up on sale items. We were existing on his salary alone, mortgage, bills, groceries, and then little left over to "play" with. Now, with his life insurance and pension, I have paid off the house and have enough to make bills and buy groceries with left overs for insurance payments and fuel and some to live on for at least 5 years or so. It's still not the best situation, I'd rather be struggling with him than living without him.

Uggh. How could he do this? How could it have come to that??? :(

 

[NarcSis]

Sorry long winded there. I just wanted to add that I need a witness today. When I was coming home from grocery shopping a small compact purple vehicle came down my street, slowed in front of my house, rolled slowly past and stopped two doors down and sat with the car in reverse. I couldn't see what the driver was doing but as I went inside to put my groceries in the door, I heard the reverse kick in and he slowly reversed past my home looking toward the house. He was an east asian man, probably mid-20s or early 30s, black hair, wearing a black turban and he had a long curly scruffy beard. I assume he was Sikh. Anyway, I marched right back outside and decided to go check my mail across the street - yep, no fear, in fact, I felt like I was inviting confrontation and a possible death. When he saw me, he looked over his shoulder and continued reversing down the street. So I walked into the street and walked at him, taking note of his plate number, and then I crossed the roadway to the mailbox. He seemed very uncomfortable after that because he then put his car in drive and sped off down the street.

It was a strange occurrence for my quiet street, he was obviously strange to the neighborhood and I found it very odd behavior. So I just thought I would put that out there in case something should happen and I'm not heard from. I don't know whether to trust my PTSD paranoia anymore or not because i didn't trust it on the day my husband died. So just in case, here's documented strangeness from my neck of the woods that made me uncomfortable. Okay, I'll shut up now today.

 

[scout86]

I found it very odd behavior.

There are a lot of possible explanations, but it DOES sound odd.

I wish he could have found a way to be more open with you about the way he was feeling! I'm sure he thought he was protecting you. I'd like to think, if he'd told you how he was feeling, the two of you would have found a way through it.

I hope you get the dog! I think you'll be a great dog owner and the company will be good.

 

[NarcSis]

I have a bit of a beef today, sorry. I repeatedly get people from a group of suicide survivors who say that their situation and mine are "exactly the same" when in actuality, they are not remotely similar. I say my husband was not diagnosed with any mental health issues and his death came out of nowhere, another lady today said the same thing and got me all riled up.

I think it's the stunned "came-out-of-the-blue" phenomenon that occurs after a suicide. People don't actually see the differences because in their heads they didn't see it coming. I think in reality no one truly ever sees it happening to their loved one or significant other, it's something that happens to people who have "something wrong with them." The truth I have always preached is that the consequence to life is death, so when life gets tough, there isn't a single human being on this earth who does not consider death. To say you've never done this even fleetingly is utter denial. There is no shame in it, it is way more common than we would allow ourselves to believe and no, you don't necessarily have to have a diagnosed mental health issue to want to die.

I've had the statistics thrown in my face so many times since my husbands suicide, 90% of people who commit suicide had some form of mental health issue - well, what about the other 10%? Well, there's a convenient answer for them too, they were simply undiagnosed. Well, um, if they were "undiagnosed" then I guess every single human being on this earth running around out there "undiagnosed" has some form of mental health issue!! Why do you have to wear a label if you were just too tired to keep fighting or if you succumbed to panic? When you're at your wits end, and there is no visible way out, and you run headlong into death because you're temporarily blinded to possibility and warmth, are you necessarily suffering a mental illness or are you simply just being truly human?????

My husband was under considerable and prolonged stress and it was eroding his personality, it was eating away at his lust for life, it was placing him in a hole he could not find a way out of. This man still smiled, still laughed, still joked, still hugged me, still participated in his life to some degree, still tried and tried to be the person he felt he had to be. He wasn't all doom and gloom. Yes, he was irritable, moody, sullen and withdrawing more often than not, it was an attempt to cope with his circumstances. He was in physical pain and not sleeping very well because of this, which compounded his stress reactions. He was trying to cope with his situation. He never ever expressed a wish to die. He didn't descend into the anarchy of alcoholism or drug abuse or reckless gambling or other hallmark signs of depression and desperation. Nope, he simply withdrew from life 70% of the time.

His death came out of nowhere in my head. You can choose to judge me on that if you want because if you knew him better than I did, then go ahead and tell me how there were always signs.

The woman today who said her husband's story is exactly like mine was married to an alcoholic. Why do people become alcoholics? Often as a coping mechanism to deal with things like depression or trauma. She fully admits that her husband was a long time alcoholic, so how in the world can you say that he wasn't diagnosed with anything??? Her husband had been in and out of rehab for years!! When I say my husband wasn't diagnosed with anything, he wasn't diagnosed with anything and his own family physician was just as stunned as I was to hear he'd died by his own hand. There were NO signs of depression or other mental health issues.

If he was depressed he kept it safely locked in his own head and never shared it with anyone and coped with it quite well all of his life.

You see, even the woman who says her husband and mine were the same, admits that her husband crossed states to return to a childhood cabin to commit suicide - I'm no psychologist, but that screams of a deep seated pain right there and I'd guess it hearkens back to his childhood, perhaps the cause of his alcoholism??? Or it could be that he just figured no one would ever find him there?

My husband drove away from our house with a weapon (Uggh, got his firearms licence renewal in the mail yesterday!!), to a nearby quiet street and died. He didn't try to make sure he wouldn't be found, in fact, that street is used a lot and he was right out in the open. It could be coincidence that he went to "Glasgow", to do it, but for me it sent a shiver down my spine as his Mom is from Glasgow, Scotland. Perhaps a disguised message there? I'll never know. He had a bad childhood, broken home, potential psychological abuse from the father, cold mothering but he seemed all this while like a well put together guy. He was not PTSD. He was not clinically depressed. He was not "mentally ill" or not functioning in any way. He was trying to cope with his rather tough circumstances. He was doing the best he could and suddenly it was too much.

All I really saw in his driving away from the house was his protecting me from what he knew would be another insurmountable trauma. He knew he was going to die that day. He didn't want to not be found. He didn't have years worth of cries for help or a history of getting help with no improvement.

I truly will never understand what happened to cause him to die and yet, at the same time, I fully get the circumstances he was in. Perhaps he was "undiagnosed" with something but we will never get to know that for sure. All roads point to depression but again, we will never ever truly know because he's dead, we can't run the tests on him and we can't diagnose in retrospect.

Is it just that other people prefer to be blind? Is having a diagnosed "mental health issue" that bad of a stigma that people will deny it? Is alcoholism not classed as a mental health issue or am I missing something?

Or maybe I'm just trying too hard to be blind too?

 

[NarcSis]

It's 407am, I've been awake since just before 3am. I need sleep, at least more than 3 hours of it for once.

I keep thinking of my husband. Tonight my sister and I were stopping in to a shopping area and as we turned down a parking aisle I said, "Can we not park here please?" I said it because, although it had spots available, the only other vehicle in it was the same make, model and color as my husbands car. I was instantly filled with anxiety.

Naturally, she pulled into the spot so as she's putting it in park I said a little more desperately, "Can we park somewhere else please?" Only when she looked at me did she even notice the car! So she backs out of the spot but drives toward the car to exit the aisle! I couldn't stand it, my insides started to writhe with fear and severe anxiety and before I knew it I was stifling sobs bordering on hysteria.

It was the third one we'd seen. I mean, it's like after he died everyone in this town went out and bought that same car!!! I don't remember ever seeing but one that was like his while he was alive, why are they everywhere now???

We ended up leaving the shopping area and going for a walk then a drive in the country.

And now my brain won't settle. I miss him. I keep thinking about that morning, about how if I'd just hugged him maybe he wouldn't have gone through with it. If I'd just gotten out of bed with him he wouldn't have been alone, he wouldn't have been able to go to the basement and get that gun.

My stomach hurts. I can't get comfortable. I've tried meditation, a sleep hypnosis program, stretching, self massage, deep breathing, lavender...I've gotten out of bed...my mind just won't let it go. I've tried whispering to him and telling him I love him and asking him to continue to watch over and protect me. I've hugged his blanket and shirt. Just nothing seems to work.

I look toward the edge of the bed and I remember him sitting there in the dark/early morning light. I just want to reach out and make him stay with me. My tummy feels worse. Feels all tied up in knots and I'm nauseous.

I want to go back to that morning and change it. I don't want to say, "Tin, are you sure it's not shingles? Maybe you can ask the doctor when you see him. There has to be something else because it's not getting better." (His rib pain).

Instead I want to say, "I'm sorry it's so tough for you to sleep. Would you like me to put something on your ribs? Maybe a massage or heat?" If he refused and still told me he was going to get up, I would get up with him. I would make his breakfast and make sure he was comfortable and I would have been softer and less gruff with him. Why was I so annoyed with his pain?

I think because I couldn't help him and I was getting tired of the almost constant complaining. I wasn't sure if it was real or mostly in his head - if his stress level was making it feel worse than it actually was. He had a tendency to voice his physical pain more when he was under stress, it's how I'd know he was stressed out. That was usually the time I'd book us a vacation or a weekend away. We couldn't afford that this time around.

He was working through this pain! He was putting in his 12-14 hour days and was still able to lift and carry and drive and sit for hours. In my head that said the reality of his injury wasn't as bad as he claimed, but he FELT it more.

When you're under stress you notice physical symptoms in your body more, pain magnifies and your focus goes inward toward that pain. The more focus pain has the more intense it feels.

I couldn't get his mind off his pain. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to distract him. I tried the best I could. I kept him out hiking hoping it would help. I let him withdraw, afraid but unsure if it actually was good for him to de-stress that way - I would have preferred him completely unplugged and engaged in something more tangible. A hobby. A sport. Something not virtual. He needed to connect back to life, I knew this but I didn't know how to MAKE him do it.

I didn't know how to help him anymore. I was frustrated with him. I was annoyed. I wasn't trying to help him softly, I was just being frustrated and desperate to try to get him to hang on until things started to get better. We'd been through this type of thing before. Things eventually got better.

God, why didn't he just hang on!? We were close to things getting better. We we're so close to closing a huge chapter of stress in our lives...now I have to endure it being prolonged because of his suicide. I pray it ends once and for all. I just want that behind me.

I just wanted us to be okay again. I just wanted our life to go back to normal. We just needed a break from the constant unrelenting stress of this whole ordeal....he needed a break. It was too much for him to carry.

It's after 5am now.

I really miss him right now.

 

[Sandstone]

Oh, that endlessly lurking "if only.." As if there was some parallel universe where we could have done it differently, and our worlds would still be intact.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am filled with my own regrets and unanswered questions, I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

"Tinny and I used to...." that's how I begin most stories now. That's how I relate to life.

I'm exhausted, my sister allowed me to sleep for almost an hour on the couch today before we went out. I swear though, you know she wants to do something when, after you fall asleep (remember only 3 hours of sleep last night) on the couch, every single thing she does makes some kind of noise - reading the paper was constant shuffling, doing the dishes was constant clanking, going upstairs was particularly stompy. I don't think I honestly got a full 45 minutes of rest there, PTSD ears don't shut down.

Regardless, we spent the entire afternoon at the park and I was operating on caffeine for the first time in, well, years. I'm exhausted.

We're off to the Scottish Festival tomorrow in honor of my 'Tinny. I'm going to wear his Dropkick Murphy's t-shirt, eat a Scotch egg and maybe buy myself a little something to bring home. I'm excited but anxious. I'll probably cry at the sound of the pipes. I'd better remember to pack tissues.

He's in everything I do and in everything I see. Never truly gone, forever missed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We're off to the Scottish Festival tomorrow in honor of my 'Tinny. I'm going to wear his Dropkick Murphy's t-shirt, eat a Scotch egg and maybe buy myself a little something to bring home. I'm excited but anxious. I'll probably cry at the sound of the pipes. I'd better remember to pack tissues.

He's in everything I do and in everything I see. Never truly gone, forever missed.

So true I hope that this will provide a nice break for you.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

If I could have prevented you from leaving the room that morning I would have. If I had known what was going through your thoughts, I would have changed them. I sat today listening to that call of the pipes, the beat of the drums and I did it in your honor. I did it because you meant everything to me. I did it because you are still a part of me and that includes the proud traditions of your heritage.

They sang The Parting Glass in tribute to all of those we've lost this year who can no longer join us at the festival - this is the first time they've done this, how fitting, it was as though they knew. I held back my tears, just barely.

You had to be there. You had to be.

My nephew was in one of the cadet bands - it was a wonderful surprise to see him march past, you would have been so proud. He'll be piping with the Legion band next year.

The young lad who piped out your last march was there. I was very proud to be able to hear him play. You would have loved the tribute he gave to you that day. You would have been proud.

I bought your mom a gift. I bought a shirt with "kitty" on it (Lion Rampant). I remember how I used to love to feel the raised area of your Lion Rampant tattoo; I would trace it with my fingers and tell you I was petting Kitty. You couldn't feel it, you assumed because of a pinched nerve in your back, you'd lost all sensation from your left hip to the outside of your knee. I will wear the shirt proudly next year in your honor once again.

They played Amazing Grace with the massed pipes and drums. You would have cried. It made you cry every single time.

I wished several times that I could turn to look at you and smile proudly. I wished I could reach out and hold your hand like I'd always done. I wished for you to be back with me where you belong. It seems wrong to be there without you, to see things without you, to feel joy without you.

I miss you. Please stay with me. Help me to remember those happier times. Help me to feel them again. I missed you so much today.