D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
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BlueOrange
Diamond Member
I'm very late to this thread - I read the subject line, and page 25, then I went to the beginning. Someday, @Medic72 , I hope you read this thread from the beginning. Hopefully, you'll see what I saw - someone experiencing a sudden and unexpected disaster, and then working through what happened. It's as impressive as all hell.
- Post starter
- #627
Rolled over several times to hug him last night. I spent the entire night dreaming about being with him, walking, holding hands, eating at a restaurant together. I can't remember a word he said just the sound of his voice, it was so comforting. His hand felt so real in mine. At the end of my dream, we were heading from the restaurant to the car and I forgot something inside, when I came back out he was driving away without me and I was confused, I couldn't understand why he was leaving without me.
He left without me. We never did anything alone.
My sister and I were at the park yesterday and I was trying to start the little charcoal bbq. Several times I wished I could just reach for my phone and text him to ask him what the trick was to getting the thing going. At points I looked for him and my insides screamed, "Help me figure this thing out, I don't know how to do this on my own!" It's hard with my sister because she makes a big deal out of everything, so heaven forbid I fail at my second attempt with this thing, I'd never hear the end of it. In the end I was successful, it took a long time to start and a long time to heat up but I managed to cook a single sausage before we lost daylight and had to come home. He knew the short cuts and I never bothered to learn them.
If only he knew how much I still needed him in my life. I don't care if we were still easily irritated with one another, eventually our stress would abate, it always did. He just had to wait it out. He just had to hold on. Every single day for at least 7 years, I've had to learn how to keep holding on, it's worse now that he's gone and yet, I still have hold on even though I don't see a point to it.
His being gone has torn a permanent hole inside of me. That hole can never be filled ever again, even if I ever find someone new, it just won't be the same. My sister asked the other day if I would ever "move on" with someone else, I told her that I'd never get married again. He was my husband, I don't need another one, because it will always be him. I said perhaps I'd have a close friend, someone to share companionship with but as far as living together or loving someone new, I think the relationship would simply be mutually convenient rather than In Love. I don't know if I could ever trust anyone like that ever again.
Each day I wake up wondering how much longer. How much longer until I get to be with him again. I bank on 20 years to my death and it seems like an eternity. If I try to imagine me 20 years from now, I can't. I have no concept of that and it makes me wonder if there will be 20 years. We were together 20 years, so there is a lot of life that can be packed into that amount of time. I just wish I knew that at the end of that life, I'll be with him again.
I needed him here now. I don't know how he could leave me. I wasn't ready. We didn't prepare for this. There are so many things he didn't teach me. He left everything unfinished. He left me unfinished.
He left without me. We never did anything alone.
My sister and I were at the park yesterday and I was trying to start the little charcoal bbq. Several times I wished I could just reach for my phone and text him to ask him what the trick was to getting the thing going. At points I looked for him and my insides screamed, "Help me figure this thing out, I don't know how to do this on my own!" It's hard with my sister because she makes a big deal out of everything, so heaven forbid I fail at my second attempt with this thing, I'd never hear the end of it. In the end I was successful, it took a long time to start and a long time to heat up but I managed to cook a single sausage before we lost daylight and had to come home. He knew the short cuts and I never bothered to learn them.
If only he knew how much I still needed him in my life. I don't care if we were still easily irritated with one another, eventually our stress would abate, it always did. He just had to wait it out. He just had to hold on. Every single day for at least 7 years, I've had to learn how to keep holding on, it's worse now that he's gone and yet, I still have hold on even though I don't see a point to it.
His being gone has torn a permanent hole inside of me. That hole can never be filled ever again, even if I ever find someone new, it just won't be the same. My sister asked the other day if I would ever "move on" with someone else, I told her that I'd never get married again. He was my husband, I don't need another one, because it will always be him. I said perhaps I'd have a close friend, someone to share companionship with but as far as living together or loving someone new, I think the relationship would simply be mutually convenient rather than In Love. I don't know if I could ever trust anyone like that ever again.
Each day I wake up wondering how much longer. How much longer until I get to be with him again. I bank on 20 years to my death and it seems like an eternity. If I try to imagine me 20 years from now, I can't. I have no concept of that and it makes me wonder if there will be 20 years. We were together 20 years, so there is a lot of life that can be packed into that amount of time. I just wish I knew that at the end of that life, I'll be with him again.
I needed him here now. I don't know how he could leave me. I wasn't ready. We didn't prepare for this. There are so many things he didn't teach me. He left everything unfinished. He left me unfinished.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
I don't know what to say when I read your posts. I feel so much for you; I am so sorry this happened to you. I love the other post that said how impressive you are. I feel the same way. And you have a gift for writing. I lost my best friend, my soul mate! when she was thrown from a horse when we were 24. I thought I would never be the same kind of happy again. And the dreams. So confusing. I have a recurring dream in which she is alive and we are going to catch up but I spend most of the time trying to figure out a plausible explanation for how she could have gone missing for 23 years and suddenly be back and ok. It's so frustrating.
My dad said something when my best friend died. He was a therapist for 40+ years and when he saw a client who had lost someone, they would report feeling tiny, tiny amounts better from time to time. These moments would be excrutiatingly far apart, and sometimes fleeting, and sometimes followed by steps backward. But eventually they noticed a small net movement toward something less sorrowful. He told me this right when I had experienced a tiny step forward. I think it was that I hadn't cried in the shower that morning for the first time since she died. It just made my a tiny bit hopeful, which I needed so much at the time. Then he quoted a beautiful proverb; "In the garden of time grows the flower of consolation". It feels like waiting for a flower to grow. They take SO LONG to grow.
My dad said something when my best friend died. He was a therapist for 40+ years and when he saw a client who had lost someone, they would report feeling tiny, tiny amounts better from time to time. These moments would be excrutiatingly far apart, and sometimes fleeting, and sometimes followed by steps backward. But eventually they noticed a small net movement toward something less sorrowful. He told me this right when I had experienced a tiny step forward. I think it was that I hadn't cried in the shower that morning for the first time since she died. It just made my a tiny bit hopeful, which I needed so much at the time. Then he quoted a beautiful proverb; "In the garden of time grows the flower of consolation". It feels like waiting for a flower to grow. They take SO LONG to grow.
- Post starter
- #630
@amymarie thank you for sharing that.
The guilt of feeling that tiny bit better each day is so confusing; I want to be out of pain but it's like the pain won't let go of me.
Each time I smile or laugh I'm reminded that I can't ever share with him why I'm happy, my "soul" can never be unburdened of these new experiences. I'm reminded that he's not here and I'm struck again by intense disbelief. I'm also reminded that he took his own life and that adds just a deeper layer to this pain, this seemingly unreal life I'm living now.
If I felt hollow after PTSD, then I didn't truly know what empty was.
My sister and I went to tour a lavender farm today, we sampled lavender ice cream, walked the fields and purchased some products. As we walked the fields I thought, " Tin, look at how beautiful this is, I want to tell you about it, I want to bring you here to see it." And I stopped myself from bursting into tears.
There are days I'm still hit with such disbelief and sorrow. I smile anyway.
He loved my smile.
Miss him so much today.
The guilt of feeling that tiny bit better each day is so confusing; I want to be out of pain but it's like the pain won't let go of me.
Each time I smile or laugh I'm reminded that I can't ever share with him why I'm happy, my "soul" can never be unburdened of these new experiences. I'm reminded that he's not here and I'm struck again by intense disbelief. I'm also reminded that he took his own life and that adds just a deeper layer to this pain, this seemingly unreal life I'm living now.
If I felt hollow after PTSD, then I didn't truly know what empty was.
My sister and I went to tour a lavender farm today, we sampled lavender ice cream, walked the fields and purchased some products. As we walked the fields I thought, " Tin, look at how beautiful this is, I want to tell you about it, I want to bring you here to see it." And I stopped myself from bursting into tears.
There are days I'm still hit with such disbelief and sorrow. I smile anyway.
He loved my smile.
Miss him so much today.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
- Post starter
- #633
@amymarie, I remember my 22 birthday because my first thought was, "I'm officially older than my brother ever will be." (My brother died in a car crash when he was 21). I remember being sad about it but accepting that this is just how strange life was. With my husband's suicide, I can't accept this as just life being "strange". This is not supposed to happen, people aren't supposed to die unless they're ill, that is, biologically doomed. He was perfectly healthy, there was nothing wrong with him!!!!
I also have days where I think, what the hell did I do in life to deserve all of this sh*t that I've had to deal with. Why can't anything ever just work out for me? My brother dies suddenly at the age of 21, my Dad dies from a long fight with cancer, my mom dies shortly afterward of sudden heart failure, I get PTSD, I subsequently get treated like sh*t by my employer and workers comp, struggle with suicidality, fight like hell to stay alive only to have them ultimately fire me and then my husband kills himself. What the f*ck did I ever do to piss off the fates!?
I'm not trying very hard anymore. Everyone says I'm so amazing and coping so well and i'm so strong but I don't feel like it anymore. I really don't want to try at anything anymore. Work? F that sh*t, I give up. "Getting anywhere in life" again, F that sh*t I've done enough. I've done enough, I've seen enough, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm quite content to get a dog and live out my days, minding my own business and looking after myself and my needs.
And that all being said, I went to a volunteer gig at the community garden today. It was tough work but I needed it. I also did it despite some extreme fatigue I've been experiencing the past two days. I'm talking severe fatigue. I'm finally sleeping through the nights again but I'm having difficulty waking up. I feel like I'm trying to pull myself out of a drug induced coma for the past two days. I struggle to keep my eyes open in the shower! My entire body has felt achy and heavy and I just want to lie down and go to sleep. I've been pushing myself despite that symptom for about two days now and today I gave up. I came home from volunteering and told my sister it was a relax day. I lay down on the lounge chair on the deck and promptly fell asleep. I only awoke when i realized I was burning. Even then, i just moved inside to the couch and lost about another two full hours sleeping and that was after a full 9 hour night of sleep!
I've asked other suicide spouses and some said they experienced the same type of thing, extreme and severe fatigue, just when they thought they were getting better, their body would start to run down. I think I've just overwhelmed myself over the past weekend, what with going to the festival he and I used to go too and spending a full day at the park like he and I used too - it's a lot to digest. Also, since my sister's been here I haven't had a full crying episode, just a few weepy periods where I silently cry. I don't want her to worry about me, so I just stay quiet and pretend everything is hunky dory with me while she's here.
I'm still so tired. I think I'm going to have another full night of sleep tonight.
I want so badly to talk to him tonight. I wish he was here with me. I need him with me tonight. I hope he comes to my dreams again.
I also have days where I think, what the hell did I do in life to deserve all of this sh*t that I've had to deal with. Why can't anything ever just work out for me? My brother dies suddenly at the age of 21, my Dad dies from a long fight with cancer, my mom dies shortly afterward of sudden heart failure, I get PTSD, I subsequently get treated like sh*t by my employer and workers comp, struggle with suicidality, fight like hell to stay alive only to have them ultimately fire me and then my husband kills himself. What the f*ck did I ever do to piss off the fates!?
I'm not trying very hard anymore. Everyone says I'm so amazing and coping so well and i'm so strong but I don't feel like it anymore. I really don't want to try at anything anymore. Work? F that sh*t, I give up. "Getting anywhere in life" again, F that sh*t I've done enough. I've done enough, I've seen enough, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm quite content to get a dog and live out my days, minding my own business and looking after myself and my needs.
And that all being said, I went to a volunteer gig at the community garden today. It was tough work but I needed it. I also did it despite some extreme fatigue I've been experiencing the past two days. I'm talking severe fatigue. I'm finally sleeping through the nights again but I'm having difficulty waking up. I feel like I'm trying to pull myself out of a drug induced coma for the past two days. I struggle to keep my eyes open in the shower! My entire body has felt achy and heavy and I just want to lie down and go to sleep. I've been pushing myself despite that symptom for about two days now and today I gave up. I came home from volunteering and told my sister it was a relax day. I lay down on the lounge chair on the deck and promptly fell asleep. I only awoke when i realized I was burning. Even then, i just moved inside to the couch and lost about another two full hours sleeping and that was after a full 9 hour night of sleep!
I've asked other suicide spouses and some said they experienced the same type of thing, extreme and severe fatigue, just when they thought they were getting better, their body would start to run down. I think I've just overwhelmed myself over the past weekend, what with going to the festival he and I used to go too and spending a full day at the park like he and I used too - it's a lot to digest. Also, since my sister's been here I haven't had a full crying episode, just a few weepy periods where I silently cry. I don't want her to worry about me, so I just stay quiet and pretend everything is hunky dory with me while she's here.
I'm still so tired. I think I'm going to have another full night of sleep tonight.
I want so badly to talk to him tonight. I wish he was here with me. I need him with me tonight. I hope he comes to my dreams again.
- Post starter
- #636
I went to see my doc today and she gave me the biggest hug, almost made me cry. She's concerned because of my weight loss, I've dropped close to 20lbs on the past 4 months since I last saw her and apparently my blood pressure is unusually low. That might explain my fatigue.
I didn't want to talk too much about everything again so I standard lined her, "I'm doing okay." I didn't want a crying jag to interrupt my plans with my sister today.
I'm feeling a little bit irritable so I'm actually glad that she's only here for another night, my moods need some active calming.
I had a bit of a success that I wanted to share with my hubby today - I started the little hibachi without a problem today and managed to make us hamburgers! Sadly this voice in my head says to me, "See, you don't need me." and it made me want to cry.
Every time I manage to figure something out on my own I feel like I'm proving him right; I didn't need him and it took his dying to teach me this. It's a horrible thought and I hate having it.
I crave hearing his voice. I crave his hugs. I miss snuggling against him at night.
I needed his love. I needed his support. I needed him.
I didn't want to talk too much about everything again so I standard lined her, "I'm doing okay." I didn't want a crying jag to interrupt my plans with my sister today.
I'm feeling a little bit irritable so I'm actually glad that she's only here for another night, my moods need some active calming.
I had a bit of a success that I wanted to share with my hubby today - I started the little hibachi without a problem today and managed to make us hamburgers! Sadly this voice in my head says to me, "See, you don't need me." and it made me want to cry.
Every time I manage to figure something out on my own I feel like I'm proving him right; I didn't need him and it took his dying to teach me this. It's a horrible thought and I hate having it.
I crave hearing his voice. I crave his hugs. I miss snuggling against him at night.
I needed his love. I needed his support. I needed him.
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