My husband died today

[NarcSis]

I thought I'd get away so I packed up the dog & drove to my sisters house, the longest drive this dogs been on with me since I got him - he did fine, slept the whole way.

That being said, he's like a toddler when you take him anywhere. We weren't here two minutes when he managed to get himself wedged between the vertical railing on her deck! I have no clue how he even fit half of his body through there, they can't be more than three inches apart! I know it was my fault I should have had him leashed but who would have imagined this!?

He was exploring in the deck, I went down the stairs to get his food from the car and I heard this strange whine. When I turned to look, half of his body was through the balusters and the lower half was stuck on the deck, he was just kinda hanging there looking embarrassed and wagging his tail. I almost lost it. I tried pulling his fore legs up and lifting him to shove him back through but he wouldn't fit. His back legs wouldn't come forward through, I went into pure panic mode. I kept thinking he was going to die there. I was screaming for my sister, she finally came out and started yelling at me and we started arguing, all the while I'm holding his front half up so he wasn't hanging anymore.

I asked for a hammer to try to pry the baluster off, so she tries to Incredible Hulk it by pulling at the balusters saying, "I gotta break it." Ummm, it's a 2x2!!! Meanwhile the dog is now panicking and scratching the crap out of my chest/stomach. SOOO glad he didn't bite.

Next my sister starts pounding at the rail and sends the dog into super panic. I screamed at her to stop because I was afraid he was going to break his spine struggling between those rails. We then tried to pry the nails out but I couldn't calm the dog & she's yelling and I'm crying now, and the the dog rears up and twists and plunk, falls back into the deck.

He was terrified. I was terrified. He pooped himself for crying out loud, my poor baby. He ran away and was completely afraid of me & looking for a place to hide so I opened the door to my car and he ran into it. His safe zone. My sister jumped into her car and had to fly to her Dr's appointment. I was crying and trying to check my dog to make sure he wasn't hurt.

I eventually coaxed him out of the car, got him to walk, checked his ribs, cleaned his bottom and then collapsed in a heap of sobs. I thought he was going to die. I seriously thought he was going to die.

I kept screaming for my husband in my head. I just needed him then, he could think through that. He wouldn't have been yelling at me.

I spent the next two hours partially dissociated, numb and unable to process anything, I just wanted to go home where we were safe. I just needed my husband to help me feel safe again. I started driving home in a haze. I made it as far as the local Walmart before my sister text messaged me.

She is not good in these situations, she never will be; instead she's short tempered, easily frustrated and angry with me, meanwhile I'm in a haze feeling like I'm being kicked around.

Long story short the dog was okay. I wasn't but I somehow ended up being the designated driver for the rest of the day and we literally drove from park to park to park to "show the dog".

I'm exhausted beyond exhausted. We ended up staying. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I came close to a heart attack today.

I need my hubby to help me. I always needed him!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think having to go it alone without your soulmate is one of the most difficult challenges to get used to. It was very hard for me and I hated and loathed being alone. I needed him to die after me not before.

That your dog is okay is a miracle and I can understand your feelings about him. I hope that the both of you get some decent rest today and understand the limbo you are now in. I hate that you have to go through this because I would not wish this on anybody what you have gone through.:hug:

 

[seedling]

Hope today was a calmer day! You never know what animals will do.

I can't help thinking that this has bonded you and your dog closer.
You were there for him, he helped himself and got himself loose.
You helped him make it to a safe place and gently cared for him after.

A lot of turmoil and fear, but in the end the three of you made it back together doing something routine.
I think there were positive things you did that you can pat yourself on the back for.

Hope you've had some rest, hang in there.

 

[NarcSis]

Very busy day today. Emotional pilgrimage we made; at least, it was for me.

So exhausted, were essentially on the road for almost 10 hours today. Will update more later.

Really missed him today.

 

[NarcSis]

Finally home again. We left early before light because my sister was heading in to work. It's just before 8 am and the dog and I have already completed a near 2 hour journey - he doesn't mind, he loves being in the vehicle now. I am still tired, but can never sleep once I wake up.

So the other day we went to Algonquin Park, a major provincial park that my husband and I used to vacation at a lot while he was alive. There were a lot of memories of him there, our endurance hikes, slogging through the mud and the snow, almost losing a boot to the thick bogs, hubby almost falling off a 100 foot cliff, tracking moose and just so many other little, almost insignificant memories. It's hard to believe it was just two years ago that we were sitting on the screened deck of our rental cabin, watching the rain falling on the lake, sipping beers and just relaxing there. We hadn't gone back last summer because he was in just too much pain to do any serious hiking or driving/travelling that kind of distance (4 hours from our home).

Anyway, my sister and I started out heading to a local park to take the dog for a walk but on the way there she spontaneously said, "It'd be nice to go to Algonquin, I wonder how long it would take us to get there?" So I typed it in to the gps and two hours later, we were driving through the park. Of course, she was relying on me to have the place memorized and my main goal was to get a picture of the dog hiking on a trail. Our "inside plans" never match up and she never shares her inside plans with me. When my sister says, "lets go for a drive" it usually means a marathon session of sitting in the car. If it weren't for me reminding her of how important it was for the dog to get out and stretch I don't think we would have stopped anywhere all day. At one point she was so irritable and frustrated with me because of the dog that I almost burst into tears. I just kept thinking, "Tin, why aren't you here? I miss being here with you, you never yelled at me or blamed me for anything. You and I loved it here." I just wanted to be out there on a trail in nature and not only remembering my husband but paying homage to him. I wanted to feel like I was with him out there.

We finally got on a trail (an easy one) and I took so many pictures of my dog, commemorating his first "real" hike with me where his "daddy" and I used to hike together. My sister is not a nature person, she is an Okay-We're-Here-Let's-Get-This-Over-With type of person, so she walked way ahead and essentially motored through the short trail. I on the other hand took my time letting the dog lead me and wander a bit. Everyone we met on that trail stopped to pet him and he loved it. I think our hike took about a half hour but after being in the car for over 3 hours it was a welcome change. We stopped very quickly in to a few other spots, I let the dog get out to explore a bit and then my sister announced we were going to dinner with my brother and sister-in-law in a town over another 3 hours away!! (She's constantly attached to her phone now). So off we went motoring back to drop off the dog and continue this whirlwind journey. My emotional pilgrimage was over as suddenly as it had begun but to my sister the trip was, "Meh, that was nice but I don't see why people drive all the way up here." It's actually a lot better if you actually stop moving and stay a while.

I want to go back again; just me and the dog. Just take a day and explore some of the trails. eat a leisurely lunch and reconnect with my husband's spirit, our memories and all the experiences we shared there. I need to do it. I need the trip to be about him, not about my sister and her agenda. She didn't understand what being there meant to me. We stopped into a store where my hubby and I always stopped to gear up and it meant nothing to her but I was wandering through just touching everything, picturing him wandering through the clothes. looking at the camping gadgets, smiling at me and asking it I'd wanted anything. He would buy me anything I wanted there. I missed him so much in that store that I found myself choked up and trying to stop the tears forming in my eyes. We stopped at the canoe launch and I watched as young couples unloaded their little kids and piled them into the canoes to go out camping. I remembered my hubby holding me from behind, arms wrapped around me, in our first year together watching almost that same scene unfolding in front of us and him saying, "That'll be us with our little ones." and I remembered laughing because I'd been thinking the same thing.

We never had those little ones. We'll never have that experience. I'll never get to do that...be a mom. You know, I was okay with that, as long as he was with me, but now that he's gone, I'm sorry I was never able to give him that dream. There will be no more long endurance hikes. There will never again be us holding hands looking out over a lake or smiling at one another, exhausted and sitting on top of a cliff having lunch.

Driving home this morning I cried. I imagined us driving home from the park, him beside me in the passenger seat and holding my hand as I drove. I remembered us singing songs as we drove and I just missed so badly hearing his voice going on about something. I miss that man so much, just so much, I remembered coming home, tired, sore, unpacking all of our gear and then hugging one another, smiling into each others eyes, kissing and saying, "I love you husband" and "I love you wife."

I miss him. I want him home with me. I want him back where he belongs. I want things to go back to normal here. I hate this new normal. I didn't ask for it. I don't want it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hate this new normal. I didn't ask for it. I don't want it

I totally agree with you on this one. I still do not like it at all. I have been able to heal and to manage to move on but if I had my way, my husband would still be here.:hug:

I am glad to hear that you are going back with the dog. I see you trying so many things on your own and realize how brave you are and how difficult it is to take the independent steps you are. Good for you. I know that it is far easier to curl in a ball and do nothing because I went through that one for a very long time, but I see you being very proactive while your grief is so intense at the same time. I hate that it takes so long to feel better but it is still hard. If you are with a soulmate for so long it takes as long as it takes to even begin to start feeling better.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I went to get my husbands and my taxes done today. I cried during it. Oh and almost cried when they told me how much it was going to cost. I had no income, I get nothing back and it COST me $125 to be told that. I never should have taken mine, I could have done it myself for free. They also price based on a percentage of the return, hence the reason I almost cried when they told me how much to do my husbands taxes.

The tax guy apologized for making me cry during the process but I told him it wasn't him, it was having to think about his death all over again. It hit me pretty hard simply because the guy told me that I was simply filing a "regular" return due to the fact that my husband was still alive at the end of 2015 and I will need to come back before the end of April next year to get his FINAL tax return done - I thought this nightmare was finally going to be over and all of his affairs would be settled but I just found out I have to do this all over again NEXT YEAR! Uggh. This is just so hard.

I was a mess driving home, just crying so hard and missing him so much. It's really tough when the reality of his death just hits me. He's dead. He used to do our tax returns and e-file everything every year. I just didn't know how to do his "final" tax return or what I thought was going to be his final tax return, using the tax software. Uggh. I could have saved myself A LOT of money. My taxes next year are going to be a mess, all of this RRSP crap is ridiculous, am I even going to live long enough to see any of that? Who in hell am I going to give it too? We had no kids, my sister is older than me...such a mess this life.

My sister is coming to visit for three days. She will likely show up with groceries and then complain that she's had to renege on another mortgage payment - I never ask her to bring anything or spend any money here but she does anyway and then has this knack of making me feel guilty for the cost of her visit. I can't start handing her cash though because I know how she spends so recklessly - I gave her $60 for gas the other day and it slipped through her fingers in about a half hour! She didn't use it for gas!!! Before I left she asked if she could borrow cash from me. From ME! I do not Work!! I have no income!!!

It makes me feel more and more like I am worthless. No one seems to care that I only have a small amount of money to last me the rest of my life. No one understands when I say no to plans for trips or going home or visits or shopping trips because "he had insurance". Well, it is a piddly amount after the mortgage gets paid for and the roof gets done. No one understands what it's like to have to live this way, worried about how long that money is going to last. Once the money dries up, then we'll see just how often people come around, my sister included, it'll just be "Oh well, too bad, so sad, X and I are going to a movie, it's too bad you can't come, maybe if you'd saved your money...." Guilt. Guilt. Guilt for things that are not my fault. Not my doing. I get guilted for things I didn't actually do, it's always been that way.

It just makes me want to go out and just blow all of the rest of that money on stupid crap and then die. It's all meaningless anyway.

I'm seriously thinking about pre-paying a funeral. Once this issue with workers comp settles, I think the first purchase I will make is a funeral prepayment and THEN I will go out and blow some of the money on stupid crap for myself.

i'm just so tired right now. I'm just so tired of having to deal with everything and feel responsible for everyone. I'm just so tired. I wish my hubby was here to help me place it into perspective again. I need my hubby. I need him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

'm seriously thinking about pre-paying a funeral. Once this issue with workers comp settles, I think the first purchase I will make is a funeral prepayment and THEN I will go out and blow some of the money on stupid crap for myself.

That is one of the first things I did after my Kenny died. So my daughter will have no worries with me. I hope that you do go shopping for yourself and pamper yourself because you need to do that.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Rough day today. Sister is here for the week, well two more days. She really gets on my nerves sometimes. Shopping, she does not understand that I am not her and thus will not like the same things she likes and sometimes I swear she reminds me of an evil high school kid who tries to get you to like something ugly on purpose just to make fun of you behind your back. I got so tired of hearing, "Wow, you and I have totally different styles." Of course we do!!! I'm not her!!!

I was panicking about how much money I'd just spent on clothes I'll probably only wear once, seriously panicking because of how many huge bills came in this month - home insurance, credit card, vet, tax man. A lot of money flew out the window, so buying clothes for me? Huge guilt trip.

Anyway, I was in panic mode, complaining, so she joins in and of course her money problems have to be worse than mine, right? (Woman with a high paying job but also high debt because she has no respect for the power of the almighty dollar) Her problems are a result of her reckless spending and she knows it but still doesn't change!! So when I, with a severely limited income, spend a little more than I bargained for, the world IS ending.

Anyway, she starts in about her debt, how many payments she's had to renege on, car, house, etc. but then says something stupid like, "I'm going to retire to nothing and die."

I feel guilt for her situation. I'm already in panic mode. I'm on the emotion train. I'm angry that she's just used that keen skill she has where she somehow makes everything about her! I say, "Well, maybe I should just die then, I've got nothing to live for anymore, you can get all the money I have and finally be out of debt." She says, "Nothing to live for? I have nothing to live for, nothing." So I scream, " At least you have a F'in job! I've got nothing! I'll never be able to accrue debt because I can't pay it off!! I've really got Nothing left!! I wished he'd shot me too! I wish I was dead. Maybe I'll just wait for this case to clear and then I'll kill myself too!!"

What is her reply?

" Well, I'm right after ya!" Not, please don't talk like that, I love you, things will get better, just, if you do it I will too!? WTF is wrong with my family!?

I said nothing after that but because I was driving and angry came recklessly speeding home because, hey, she wants to die too, so who cares if I roll the car, right?

Now she's beside me crying and afraid and I can't help but think of how much of an a-hole I really am, maybe I do deserve to be completely alone for the rest of my life, after all, all I ever end up doing is hurting people and Making Them Cry!!! I couldn't help but think that Id no longer be The Miserable Brat in her life anymore and she'd be better because she'd never have to deal with me and my misery ever again.

I really wanted to die today. I really wanted to be with him again. I miss him so damned much.

I just felt so completely alone in this world today. I felt so unloved and unsupported. I really think it's best that I distance myself from people, they hurt me, I hurt them. It's not a good situation. I deserve to live out the rest of my days alone.

I hurt him. I know I did. He was angry and frustrated and moody with me. I felt like I was walking around with my head covered. I was biting my tongue trying not to snap at him. He didn't deserve my crap. He had enough of his own.

My sister keeps showing me videos with guns in them. It's like the PTSD baby-crap all over again. It's the I shouldn't mention this around her so I suddenly can't help myself stupid stuff all over again. I don't find guns funny. I don't care if it's a hunting dog joke, guns remind me of my husband shooting himself and no amount of exposure to them is going to change that!!!! I hate guns, I don't care if she loves them and thinks I should be okay with it, I'm not and I'm not her!

Uggh. I need my hubby. I need him so badly.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The feelings of feeling so alone are normal for what you have and are going through. I would not find gun jokes funny at all but it does seem rather insensitive and cruel. If a person does not see nor hear you they will not help you, this is a fact and I hope you think about this one.

You shared so much good with your husband as you have written about it. It is very difficult to be around a person who never ever feels good as my husband was so sick for so many years until he was diagnosed. We had a lousy doctor and I wanted to change doctors but my husband liked him so I kept him. I know I should have fought harder to get another better doctor now. He was a useless doctor who flat out did not care. He did not see or hear us or understand us nor helped, in fact there were times when he made it worse.

Please for the sake of your own sanity, hang onto the good memories you shared. No one can take this away from you ever.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I'm in a bad phase. Everywhere are memories. Every street, every store, every meal just everywhere I look is a memory of him doing something and hitting me with a huge He's Gone.

He's gone and I'll never laugh like that with him again. He won't make me laugh the way he did ever again. It makes me beyond sad right now.

I went to the dentist today. I remembered how we'd go to his dentist together and I'd wander through the park waiting for him - I'll never go to that park again. Or how he'd wait for me when I went to the dentist. I was in the middle of my cleaning when I started to hyperventilate thinking about how he's not outside waiting for me. They had to give me some time to collect myself.

I burst into tears during dinner, it was the first "big" dinner I'd done since he died. My sister says, "Huh, was waiting for that."

His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I'm going to be alone. I don't know how to commemorate it.

Uggh. Just wish he was here.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I'm going to be alone. I don't know how to commemorate it.

I hope that you will find something to do for just the two of you. Every first in the year after such a tragic loss will be hard. It was for me.

What about a ballon set free to fly away and a special dinner out somewhere? I think you will come up with something and you are smart to plan ahead:hug: