D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #806
So this morning I log onto fb and see that everyone is asking for prayers for my brother. My phone is still silent, my cell doesn't have any texts on it, there's no email or instant messages and no voicemails. Ummm, thanks a lot family. I don't know what's going on. I just replied that they need to sedate him for about a week because the last I'd heard he'd had an eye operation that kept failing and he was on the verge of losing his eye. His eye operation kept failing because he can't sit still like he's supposed too, instead he's reconstructing his docks, showing up at meetings, spending time online, working on his truck and not doing as he was told. It's his own fault. Will this be the year I lose a husband and a brother in the same year? Obviously I don't know what's going on.
I also found out last night that my brother-in-law's marriage is over - nice, he loses his brother and his wife in the same year. Life just sucks sometimes, I swear. Of course, with my BIL, husband had said that he thought he was starting a mid-life crisis about a year or two ago, questioning his purpose, telling my hubby how noble a profession he belonged to and how proud he was of him - meanwhile, here my hubby sat, envious of his brother because his job was not stress filled and wishing he was "that smart". (He was, more so, I'd say.) - my husband was actually worried that his brother was suffering from depression and I remember asking if he thought his brother would consider suicide. Hubby, said no, his brother was "too smart for that."
Hubby was a smart man too. Of course, the one time he acts spontaneously in his life....I lost him. I always wanted him to be spontaneous, but not that way. Be careful what you wish for.
Uggh, the dog is chewing at himself so I have to take him out before he hurts himself. I'll continue this later this evening...
I also found out last night that my brother-in-law's marriage is over - nice, he loses his brother and his wife in the same year. Life just sucks sometimes, I swear. Of course, with my BIL, husband had said that he thought he was starting a mid-life crisis about a year or two ago, questioning his purpose, telling my hubby how noble a profession he belonged to and how proud he was of him - meanwhile, here my hubby sat, envious of his brother because his job was not stress filled and wishing he was "that smart". (He was, more so, I'd say.) - my husband was actually worried that his brother was suffering from depression and I remember asking if he thought his brother would consider suicide. Hubby, said no, his brother was "too smart for that."
Hubby was a smart man too. Of course, the one time he acts spontaneously in his life....I lost him. I always wanted him to be spontaneous, but not that way. Be careful what you wish for.
Uggh, the dog is chewing at himself so I have to take him out before he hurts himself. I'll continue this later this evening...
D
Deleted member 12723
I sure know this one really well.:hug:
- Post starter
- #808
So I found out that my brother has to get his eye operation redone for the thousandth time in a month because his IOP keeps spiking up. I found this out in a round about way because I commented on his SIL's post and said I was glad it was just his eye, it sounded like he was dying or something. She replies with, I'm sure he'd love to hear from his sister (umm, two way street), so I joked back, why? because he can't see me right now? LOL. It's just his freakin' eye, if he loses his eye, he loses his eye, his life isn't over. Uggh.
My sister echoed the same thought about my brother-in-law last evening, "I hope he doesn't commit suicide now." I'd love to say that I don't think he would but, I hardly know the man and I KNEW my husband intimately for 20 years and I still did not see his suicide coming. The sad thing is, if his brother were to follow down that path, everyone would say, "Oh well, he just went through a breakup of his marriage." and his suicide would have a "purpose". Unlike my husband where people refused to believe that he could just suddenly run out and shoot himself over a "simple" thing like being told he had an enlarged heart, everyone kept searching for a "real reason" and yeah, a lot of them looked at me. Hell, even my sister eventually said, "Did you guys fight or something?" Like, the potential of his life ending because of an enlarged heart is not psychologically disturbing enough, it had to be someone's fault.
If there's any fault, it's his own. He couldn't calm down and reason. He just couldn't see how not to do the one thing he chastised other people for doing. He didn't realize he was in the very mind trap I warned him about. He couldn't see that all he had to do was wait it out and it would pass. It always passes. I know. I told him. It hurts like absolute hell while you're in it and you go through all of the "They'd be better off" / "I'm not worth anything." thoughts but if you wait it out, you eventually win. You stay alive and you're able to think out your problem or issue. You stay alive.
He's not alive anymore.
My hiking friend came over to visit last evening and it was nice to have another voice in the house that wasn't the tv. She thinks her husband is getting depressed again; said he's never been the same since his last suicide attempt, a little more worn down. That scares me, I know what it feels like to have little fight left in you. He needs to find something to recharge his batteries. I just don't want to get too involved emotionally in the situation. I think one suicide this year is enough for me.
According to statistics by one organization, there have been 57 paramedics who've died by suicide in the past two years. God, my husband is one of 17 medics who killed themselves this year alone. The highest rates of suicide in Canada are being seen in police and paramedics. Almost all of those are men save for about 5, I think. I know how ridiculous it can be to over state statistics and make them seem way worse than they actually are, we learned about that in our University psych stats/research courses so I laugh when one organization says 5 firefighters have died in two years and another screams over 1000 firefighters dead from suicide "to date" - well, to date means every single suicide since 1800 in their profession! Talk about a ridiculous and under-handed way to get attention. Making statements that ridiculous could seriously affect your credibility and ability to get any help. Again, it all comes down to a huge fight for funding, give us money, money, money and we won't actually DO anything to decrease the suicide rate.
I might be wrong, but I think overall, the suicide rate has been spiking again in the general population as well, so I wonder if the stats within the emergency services field are simply reflecting this longer term trend.
Uggh. Husband. What were you thinking? You were in the prime of your life. You still had so many years to go. I know many advocates scream about gun control and reducing the number of guns available to people - just how do they propose gun control stops this? My husband didn't have any psychological issues. He was not a long term depression sufferer. He was not a diagnosed PTSD sufferer. He was not an alcoholic, drug addict or anti-socially inclined in any way. He had a legitimate right to have a weapon, but in my humble opinion, not a legitimate Reason to own one. He wanted to go duck hunting with his partner, well, his partner then left and he was stuck with a gun he'd never even shot. What were we supposed to do with it then? We had targets, we planned to eventually go target shooting. He wanted me to get comfortable with it - I didn't want to. I wanted them kept safe from me. I didn't want to have access to something that could kill me in my spontaneous suicidal periods.
He was the sole caretaker of those weapons with no inclination toward harming himself. How do you control for his death? You can't. Impulse is impulse. You cannot predict it and almost all gun related suicides are impulsive where the person had access to those weapons. The only way to prevent this is to ban ownership of weapons altogether and that is not an option.
My sister repeatedly says, "I had this feeling that I should take those guns with me when I left there at Christmas time. I knew I should have taken them." It makes me mad when she says this because then in her head, she saw this coming, right? HOW!? I'm sure he didn't even know he was going to die until he sat in that car with a hole in his side bleeding out! She insists that she should have just taken them and I scream at her every time, "That would have been theft! You don't even have a licence to own or transport those guns. Thinking that you could have just walked out of here with those guns is just ridiculous, so just stop it!"
I talked to my hiking friend last night about our stop into the cemetery just two weeks before he died. I distinctly remember us pulling out of that cemetery and my husband turning to me and saying, "I don't know why I wanted to go there. I just felt like I had to. Kinda creepy." He had a sense that something was going to happen to him but he didn't know what. We just ignored it and life went on until his stopped two weeks later. I remember sitting in that car and getting a rush through me, like someone had walked over MY grave and I remember denying it in my head, "Don't be ridiculous, you're both healthy and fine." I had actually thought that we were going to be in a car accident.
I never would have guessed he'd kill himself. HIM! It still make no sense to me.
My sister echoed the same thought about my brother-in-law last evening, "I hope he doesn't commit suicide now." I'd love to say that I don't think he would but, I hardly know the man and I KNEW my husband intimately for 20 years and I still did not see his suicide coming. The sad thing is, if his brother were to follow down that path, everyone would say, "Oh well, he just went through a breakup of his marriage." and his suicide would have a "purpose". Unlike my husband where people refused to believe that he could just suddenly run out and shoot himself over a "simple" thing like being told he had an enlarged heart, everyone kept searching for a "real reason" and yeah, a lot of them looked at me. Hell, even my sister eventually said, "Did you guys fight or something?" Like, the potential of his life ending because of an enlarged heart is not psychologically disturbing enough, it had to be someone's fault.
If there's any fault, it's his own. He couldn't calm down and reason. He just couldn't see how not to do the one thing he chastised other people for doing. He didn't realize he was in the very mind trap I warned him about. He couldn't see that all he had to do was wait it out and it would pass. It always passes. I know. I told him. It hurts like absolute hell while you're in it and you go through all of the "They'd be better off" / "I'm not worth anything." thoughts but if you wait it out, you eventually win. You stay alive and you're able to think out your problem or issue. You stay alive.
He's not alive anymore.
My hiking friend came over to visit last evening and it was nice to have another voice in the house that wasn't the tv. She thinks her husband is getting depressed again; said he's never been the same since his last suicide attempt, a little more worn down. That scares me, I know what it feels like to have little fight left in you. He needs to find something to recharge his batteries. I just don't want to get too involved emotionally in the situation. I think one suicide this year is enough for me.
According to statistics by one organization, there have been 57 paramedics who've died by suicide in the past two years. God, my husband is one of 17 medics who killed themselves this year alone. The highest rates of suicide in Canada are being seen in police and paramedics. Almost all of those are men save for about 5, I think. I know how ridiculous it can be to over state statistics and make them seem way worse than they actually are, we learned about that in our University psych stats/research courses so I laugh when one organization says 5 firefighters have died in two years and another screams over 1000 firefighters dead from suicide "to date" - well, to date means every single suicide since 1800 in their profession! Talk about a ridiculous and under-handed way to get attention. Making statements that ridiculous could seriously affect your credibility and ability to get any help. Again, it all comes down to a huge fight for funding, give us money, money, money and we won't actually DO anything to decrease the suicide rate.
I might be wrong, but I think overall, the suicide rate has been spiking again in the general population as well, so I wonder if the stats within the emergency services field are simply reflecting this longer term trend.
Uggh. Husband. What were you thinking? You were in the prime of your life. You still had so many years to go. I know many advocates scream about gun control and reducing the number of guns available to people - just how do they propose gun control stops this? My husband didn't have any psychological issues. He was not a long term depression sufferer. He was not a diagnosed PTSD sufferer. He was not an alcoholic, drug addict or anti-socially inclined in any way. He had a legitimate right to have a weapon, but in my humble opinion, not a legitimate Reason to own one. He wanted to go duck hunting with his partner, well, his partner then left and he was stuck with a gun he'd never even shot. What were we supposed to do with it then? We had targets, we planned to eventually go target shooting. He wanted me to get comfortable with it - I didn't want to. I wanted them kept safe from me. I didn't want to have access to something that could kill me in my spontaneous suicidal periods.
He was the sole caretaker of those weapons with no inclination toward harming himself. How do you control for his death? You can't. Impulse is impulse. You cannot predict it and almost all gun related suicides are impulsive where the person had access to those weapons. The only way to prevent this is to ban ownership of weapons altogether and that is not an option.
My sister repeatedly says, "I had this feeling that I should take those guns with me when I left there at Christmas time. I knew I should have taken them." It makes me mad when she says this because then in her head, she saw this coming, right? HOW!? I'm sure he didn't even know he was going to die until he sat in that car with a hole in his side bleeding out! She insists that she should have just taken them and I scream at her every time, "That would have been theft! You don't even have a licence to own or transport those guns. Thinking that you could have just walked out of here with those guns is just ridiculous, so just stop it!"
I talked to my hiking friend last night about our stop into the cemetery just two weeks before he died. I distinctly remember us pulling out of that cemetery and my husband turning to me and saying, "I don't know why I wanted to go there. I just felt like I had to. Kinda creepy." He had a sense that something was going to happen to him but he didn't know what. We just ignored it and life went on until his stopped two weeks later. I remember sitting in that car and getting a rush through me, like someone had walked over MY grave and I remember denying it in my head, "Don't be ridiculous, you're both healthy and fine." I had actually thought that we were going to be in a car accident.
I never would have guessed he'd kill himself. HIM! It still make no sense to me.
Your sister is engaged in magical thinking. She had no reason to take his guns. If they were locked up and he had the key she had no ability to take his guns. She certainly had no legal right to be in possession of his guns.
Gun control is pretty strict here. So most impulsive suicides I've been involved with in my work are jumps from height.
There is nothing you (or your sister) could have done.
Hugs.
Gun control is pretty strict here. So most impulsive suicides I've been involved with in my work are jumps from height.
There is nothing you (or your sister) could have done.
Hugs.
- Post starter
- #810
My day was going well then at dinner I was ambushed by grief. I'm very, very sad right now, I just wish I had someone I could call up and say, "Can you come over and just sit with me for awhile." It hurts so bad right now.
I was okay all day, maybe I did too much. I did two hours volunteering in the community garden this morning, took the dog for a half hour walk, went shopping, washed floors, did laundry, made dinner and baked a homemade pumpkin pie from a pumpkin I had.
Anyway, I had just sat down to eat my spaghetti dinner (yep, I cooked a meal!) and I looked over toward my husbands seat and it struck me that he will never ever sit there again. I burst into tears around a mouthful of food.
I think I've just cried for an hour. I managed to scarf down some food in between sobbing episodes but God, he's gone. He's not at work. He's not just at training. He'll never share another meal with me at his seat.The hardest thing to see was that empty seat.
I'd piled some paperwork on the table & I saw a refund cheque from my insurance company for my dental appointment. He used to have to submit those on my behalf. I remember last year handing him the receipt so he could submit it for me. He doesn't do that anymore, the dental office processes it for me. It was really sad thinking that it seems like he just submitted that for me. I can see him logging in on his laptop in my head, like it was yesterday.
God. He was just here. How can 8 months have passed!? He was JUST here!!
I miss him so much.
I was okay all day, maybe I did too much. I did two hours volunteering in the community garden this morning, took the dog for a half hour walk, went shopping, washed floors, did laundry, made dinner and baked a homemade pumpkin pie from a pumpkin I had.
Anyway, I had just sat down to eat my spaghetti dinner (yep, I cooked a meal!) and I looked over toward my husbands seat and it struck me that he will never ever sit there again. I burst into tears around a mouthful of food.
I think I've just cried for an hour. I managed to scarf down some food in between sobbing episodes but God, he's gone. He's not at work. He's not just at training. He'll never share another meal with me at his seat.The hardest thing to see was that empty seat.
I'd piled some paperwork on the table & I saw a refund cheque from my insurance company for my dental appointment. He used to have to submit those on my behalf. I remember last year handing him the receipt so he could submit it for me. He doesn't do that anymore, the dental office processes it for me. It was really sad thinking that it seems like he just submitted that for me. I can see him logging in on his laptop in my head, like it was yesterday.
God. He was just here. How can 8 months have passed!? He was JUST here!!
I miss him so much.
scout86
VIP Member
I wish we could all come over, sit with you, keep you company, and share some of that pie. :hug:
D
Deleted member 12723
It sounds like a very productive day for until the sadness hit you full force. It took me four years to start being more social with people and now I do have that kind of support.
Maybe you are not ready yet, because you have four more months to go before it is a full year.
I also understand how fast time goes by. I see you as being way more proactive than I was.
I am so sorry that I cannot be available to just come and sit with you and listen to you.:hug::hug::hug::hug:
Maybe you are not ready yet, because you have four more months to go before it is a full year.
I also understand how fast time goes by. I see you as being way more proactive than I was.
I am so sorry that I cannot be available to just come and sit with you and listen to you.:hug::hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #813
I'm still sad, not as bad as earlier but it's still there. Tomorrow may have to be a running away day for me and the dog, no chores, no responsibility, just get the heck outta dodge....or maybe I'll just sleep the day away.
Took the dog for a late evening walk in the dark so people wouldn't see my puffy eyes. I let him lead, I just had no energy to be any kind of pack leader. What I really wanted to do was just sit on the front lawn and stare at the moon. Yep, I'd definitely be the crazy lady on the street.
@scout86, here's your virtual piece of pie (>
My hubby used to love my pumpkin pie, said all he'd ever known was the kind that came out of a can or was bought at a store. He and his brother used to always be joking about their mothers poor cooking. His mom says openly that she's never been much of a cook. I find that odd for a Scots woman. I was making pies by age 6 and cooked my first roast at 10. My mom always said if I ever wanted a husband I had to learn how to cook. Husband loved my cooking.
Of course, he was a great cook too, he just was better at BBQ than anything. His ribs were amazing, the way he seared steak to a perfect medium rare, oh and planked salmon, mmmmm. I'll never be able to replicate that. I'll just char everything like I've always done.
I really miss him. I almost want to go sit at that spot where he died and look for him.
I hold his urn and I don't feel "closer" to him or comforted. It's not him, in my mind. It's a cold, heavy, Thing; he's not there.
I need to find him again. I need to feel him. I want to feel near to him and I don't know how. I don't know where he is.
I need a hug so bad.
I put the urn on the floor the other day as I was preparing to sit with it and the dog came up curious. He sniffed it, recoiled, then turned and practically crawled out of the room looking afraid. He wouldn't come back in when I called him, not until the urn was back on its shelf. It wasn't open or anything, but he could smell something that creeped him out. Poor guy.
I'm going to hug my hubbys blanket tonight and hope he comes to me in my dreams. I miss him so much right now.
Took the dog for a late evening walk in the dark so people wouldn't see my puffy eyes. I let him lead, I just had no energy to be any kind of pack leader. What I really wanted to do was just sit on the front lawn and stare at the moon. Yep, I'd definitely be the crazy lady on the street.
@scout86, here's your virtual piece of pie (>
My hubby used to love my pumpkin pie, said all he'd ever known was the kind that came out of a can or was bought at a store. He and his brother used to always be joking about their mothers poor cooking. His mom says openly that she's never been much of a cook. I find that odd for a Scots woman. I was making pies by age 6 and cooked my first roast at 10. My mom always said if I ever wanted a husband I had to learn how to cook. Husband loved my cooking.
Of course, he was a great cook too, he just was better at BBQ than anything. His ribs were amazing, the way he seared steak to a perfect medium rare, oh and planked salmon, mmmmm. I'll never be able to replicate that. I'll just char everything like I've always done.
I really miss him. I almost want to go sit at that spot where he died and look for him.
I hold his urn and I don't feel "closer" to him or comforted. It's not him, in my mind. It's a cold, heavy, Thing; he's not there.
I need to find him again. I need to feel him. I want to feel near to him and I don't know how. I don't know where he is.
I need a hug so bad.
I put the urn on the floor the other day as I was preparing to sit with it and the dog came up curious. He sniffed it, recoiled, then turned and practically crawled out of the room looking afraid. He wouldn't come back in when I called him, not until the urn was back on its shelf. It wasn't open or anything, but he could smell something that creeped him out. Poor guy.
I'm going to hug my hubbys blanket tonight and hope he comes to me in my dreams. I miss him so much right now.
D
Deleted member 12723
I have my husbands and my son ashes in my bedroom and I totally agree with you, there is nothing there. I keep thinking of where I want to scatter their ashes and still so many years later, do not have a clue. I would want them to be together and and at a place I could visit.
I used to hug them but still it was not them.
I am sorry about the dogs reaction and really hope that you are okay with that.
I made only two pumpkin pies from scratch in my life and they were really good.
For the time being I am kind of not in the pie making mood so kudos to you for that.:hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #815
@gizmo, I bought the pie pumpkins on a whim, 4 for $3 so I was in a better frame of mind then. I was also good that morning so, the pie stuff was done in a motivated phase. I usually make pie from scratch every year, it's just so much harder this year because I now have to eat an entire pie to myself. If hubby were here, the pie would be gone by now.
The dog has yeasty paws again. I have to chase him down twice a day to soak his feet - again. I've changed his food three times for crying out loud. It's so hard to know who to believe, the vet seems in it for the $$,and the people at the pet stores seem to see $ signs when you walk in. Today it was suggested to me to change him to a raw food diet to re-balance his internal flora. Uggh. My friend's dog is on a raw food diet, she said his paws aren't as yeasty smelling as they were before but they still smell. Raw food is very expensive and ridiculous to prepare. Don't feed him sugar, make sure his treats are meat only, feed him a carb free diet , eliminate potatoes, sweet potatoes, all grains, rice, corn...and the list goes on. Mind boggling!
My husband would have absolutely hated this issue. He hated feet. It was a total thing with him. He hated all feet. As a medic, if he had a foot call, he would hand off to his partner if he could. If I was lying on the couch beside him and my feet got anywhere near him, socks on even, he would move away from them. Heaven forbid they accidentally touched him, wow, he would accuse me of doing it on purpose. I hurt my ankle once and when it came to wrapping my foot, he refused to help (until I pointed out that I was unable to do it properly on my own). He wouldn't even look at his own feet, his worst day was when he had to trim his nails. Dealing with the dogs feet would have been my responsibility.
I don't know how to get over this intense missing him right now. I was wracked with nightmares all night - dog woke me up several times from them strangely, I was glad he was there. That pain is there just below the surface eating away at me, so much so that I went to lay down on the bed this afternoon and could smell his scent, so I held the sleeve of his shirt and cried myself to sleep for an hour. In one of my nightmares last night, my husband was in trouble and I couldn't help him. I could see him, he was crying and in pain and I couldn't get to him because this shadowy presence kept stopping me and it felt like it was trying to pull me down into the earth. The dog jumped up on the side of the bed and started whining. I woke up and realized I must have been struggling to cry out.
I miss my husband. He shouldn't be dead. He should not be gone. He should be here. He should be with me, in OUR house, living OUR life. I don't want to live life alone.
I posted my pain on a fb group the other day and received a strange response from one woman - "I think we all understand that our loved one won't be sitting across from us anymore......it's difficult, we get it." Ummm, I was hurting, and I got a seemingly snarky response like that from someone who's always posting about her pain? I rarely post there. No one there cares if I stub my toe and he's not there to kiss me better so i don't post these things like some women do but I know if I'm in some severe pain, I can turn to people who know and get some support. She wasn't very supportive. It almost made me quit the group. I felt so alone again. Others say 8 months is not a long time, still others who're years from their loss seem to think I should be starting to "get over it".
At what point are you ready to "make it your life"? Are you ever really ready? I haven't touched any of his things in the room, in the shower. I looked at his things in the shower the other day and said to myself, "At some point I will have to reclaim this shelf" and I felt a stab of guilt in my guts so I immediately said to myself, "Not yet, though. I'm not ready. I can't let go of him yet." I looked at his towel hanging on the back of the door and I thought, "his bits are still in that towel. It's just as it was the day before he died, the last time he used it. The real him is still in that towel. He was alive then."
He was here and then he was gone. A whole person, just gone in an instant. A whole life, just erased in an instant. He was a person. He was alive. He lived a whole life. He had all these experiences. All of that is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. He is a memory. I don't like that. It's not right. It's not like how it should be. It should be that he is still here, alive. bitching, complaining, laughing, smiling, hugging and kissing. He should still be experiencing this life. He should not have left. He never should have left it. It wasn't his time. It was NOT his time to leave.
It wasn't up to him. It was not supposed to be up to him.
I just miss him so much. It's killing me inside. I can't breathe. I just need him here again. It wasn't up to him, it was OUR life.
The dog has yeasty paws again. I have to chase him down twice a day to soak his feet - again. I've changed his food three times for crying out loud. It's so hard to know who to believe, the vet seems in it for the $$,and the people at the pet stores seem to see $ signs when you walk in. Today it was suggested to me to change him to a raw food diet to re-balance his internal flora. Uggh. My friend's dog is on a raw food diet, she said his paws aren't as yeasty smelling as they were before but they still smell. Raw food is very expensive and ridiculous to prepare. Don't feed him sugar, make sure his treats are meat only, feed him a carb free diet , eliminate potatoes, sweet potatoes, all grains, rice, corn...and the list goes on. Mind boggling!
My husband would have absolutely hated this issue. He hated feet. It was a total thing with him. He hated all feet. As a medic, if he had a foot call, he would hand off to his partner if he could. If I was lying on the couch beside him and my feet got anywhere near him, socks on even, he would move away from them. Heaven forbid they accidentally touched him, wow, he would accuse me of doing it on purpose. I hurt my ankle once and when it came to wrapping my foot, he refused to help (until I pointed out that I was unable to do it properly on my own). He wouldn't even look at his own feet, his worst day was when he had to trim his nails. Dealing with the dogs feet would have been my responsibility.
I don't know how to get over this intense missing him right now. I was wracked with nightmares all night - dog woke me up several times from them strangely, I was glad he was there. That pain is there just below the surface eating away at me, so much so that I went to lay down on the bed this afternoon and could smell his scent, so I held the sleeve of his shirt and cried myself to sleep for an hour. In one of my nightmares last night, my husband was in trouble and I couldn't help him. I could see him, he was crying and in pain and I couldn't get to him because this shadowy presence kept stopping me and it felt like it was trying to pull me down into the earth. The dog jumped up on the side of the bed and started whining. I woke up and realized I must have been struggling to cry out.
I miss my husband. He shouldn't be dead. He should not be gone. He should be here. He should be with me, in OUR house, living OUR life. I don't want to live life alone.
I posted my pain on a fb group the other day and received a strange response from one woman - "I think we all understand that our loved one won't be sitting across from us anymore......it's difficult, we get it." Ummm, I was hurting, and I got a seemingly snarky response like that from someone who's always posting about her pain? I rarely post there. No one there cares if I stub my toe and he's not there to kiss me better so i don't post these things like some women do but I know if I'm in some severe pain, I can turn to people who know and get some support. She wasn't very supportive. It almost made me quit the group. I felt so alone again. Others say 8 months is not a long time, still others who're years from their loss seem to think I should be starting to "get over it".
At what point are you ready to "make it your life"? Are you ever really ready? I haven't touched any of his things in the room, in the shower. I looked at his things in the shower the other day and said to myself, "At some point I will have to reclaim this shelf" and I felt a stab of guilt in my guts so I immediately said to myself, "Not yet, though. I'm not ready. I can't let go of him yet." I looked at his towel hanging on the back of the door and I thought, "his bits are still in that towel. It's just as it was the day before he died, the last time he used it. The real him is still in that towel. He was alive then."
He was here and then he was gone. A whole person, just gone in an instant. A whole life, just erased in an instant. He was a person. He was alive. He lived a whole life. He had all these experiences. All of that is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. He is a memory. I don't like that. It's not right. It's not like how it should be. It should be that he is still here, alive. bitching, complaining, laughing, smiling, hugging and kissing. He should still be experiencing this life. He should not have left. He never should have left it. It wasn't his time. It was NOT his time to leave.
It wasn't up to him. It was not supposed to be up to him.
I just miss him so much. It's killing me inside. I can't breathe. I just need him here again. It wasn't up to him, it was OUR life.
scout86
VIP Member
That fb response sounded snarky to me too. Seems to me there was nothing wrong with your post, you were just expressing your feelings. That should be what the site is for.
About the yeast infection..... I know way more about horses than dogs, but it seems like this should be clearing up easier than it is. I looked around a little online. Most of what I found didn't sound very science based. Here's one link that seemed better. Maybe it's got information you haven't heard, maybe not. http://www.vmcli.com/veterinary-articles-malassezia-dermatitis.html I've dealt with a lot of horses that had fungal infections and had a few myself from working around them. A veterinarian I used to know recommended treating them with athlete's foot cream. At the last place I worked, we had a fungal infection that spread through the equipment we were that caused a lot of swelling, itching and pain. For that, the vet mixed up a somewhat stronger antifungal cream combined with a steroid to help with the swelling and itching. What have they got you soaking his feet with? (I might have missed that earlier) This is kind of off topic, I know, but I'm sure it would be nice for both of you if you could get this resolved.
Thanks for the pie! :)
About the yeast infection..... I know way more about horses than dogs, but it seems like this should be clearing up easier than it is. I looked around a little online. Most of what I found didn't sound very science based. Here's one link that seemed better. Maybe it's got information you haven't heard, maybe not. http://www.vmcli.com/veterinary-articles-malassezia-dermatitis.html I've dealt with a lot of horses that had fungal infections and had a few myself from working around them. A veterinarian I used to know recommended treating them with athlete's foot cream. At the last place I worked, we had a fungal infection that spread through the equipment we were that caused a lot of swelling, itching and pain. For that, the vet mixed up a somewhat stronger antifungal cream combined with a steroid to help with the swelling and itching. What have they got you soaking his feet with? (I might have missed that earlier) This is kind of off topic, I know, but I'm sure it would be nice for both of you if you could get this resolved.
Thanks for the pie! :)
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