My husband died today

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 I know how fast the time has gone by. I still miss my husbands hugs and the songs he picked out for me from him to me. The holidays are so hard.

I think you are going to be okay. You are wise to skip Halloween. Last year I spent it at my friends house and this year I am going to ask her again.

It can be so hard at times.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Very emotional today. It just seemed everywhere I went that song I quoted in my last post was playing. I was walking through a store wiping my eyes and sniffling at one point.

Held tight to his sleeve and rested my head on the chest of his shirt crying as I went to bed last night. Only slept three hours before the dog had to out for a potty emergency. Couldn't get to sleep again until 530am. Just missing him so intensely again, my soul wants to scream.

I connected to a new group of spouses on fb - all first responder spouses who lost loved ones to the job, either during line of duty or to suicide. They hold an annual "camp" during the summer and I'm registered for next summer. I recognize a lot of these women, at least, I knew of their husbands.

I'm hoping connecting with these people will help me. I miss him so much today.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so happy for you that you found that group, I imagine it will become a source of so much help and support to you.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Uggh, so heartbroken right now. My dog is doing what my hubby did his last night on earth, he wants to sleep downstairs. Usually he happily follows me up to the bedroom but tonight, I let him out to potty, he followed me up, then went right back down again. No amount of treat can coax him to come to bed, he's camped out at the front door all alone in a little ball.

It just so reminds me of hubby that night. He said he was going to sleep on the floor in the living room and so I made sure he was comfortable and I left him to sleep alone. He only stayed for a half hour before he came up and told me he "got scared".

Why won't my baby come to bed? Please, God, let him be okay. Uggh, I'm going to worry for the rest of the night because he's not here with me. :(

 

[NarcSis]

It was hard to sleep last night, alone in my room for the first time since I got the dog. I'm not sure if it's an independence thing because he's doing it again tonight and I'm feeling a little abandoned and worried that I've done something wrong.

It could be a good sign that he wants to sleep apart from me, but still, I'm worried. I keep thinking is it because of my sister? She has this tendency to lay in my bed talking when she's here and he gave her an annoyed look the other night...jealousy? That being said he also bumped his head in the middle of the night our first night back here....I just want to cry. I need that dog in my room. He's stopped coming up the stairs altogether now. :(

It's just such a trigger to my husbands last night on earth. I just cried and cried last night. I mean, I know the dog can't commit suicide or be depressed in that way, but when I can't see him, I worry about him.

Uggh. Another night of waking up repeatedly.

I miss my hubby!

 

[NarcSis]

Took the dog for a walk today and as I was coming up the drive the neighbor kids were playing ball in the street. The youngest one looked over excited and said "Awww cute, you guys got a dog?" I was caught off guard, he's just a kid but I froze and didn't know how to answer him. His older brother looked angrily at him and corrected him, "SHE got a dog." And then looked at me apologetically.

I was still a little taken aback as I came into the house. I'm not a "you guys" anymore. I'm not a "they". I'm not "them", "they're" or "those". I'm not even "people", I'm a "person"; singular.

Waited until my sister was out of the room before I let the silent screams and tears appear but quickly stuffed everything and hid my tears as she came back down the stairs. Can't ruin her time here. It's her birthday next week, so everything is about that day - "we should go stay in a hotel somewhere..."; "we should go out to fancy dinner."; "Oh look at X item, that would be a geat birthday present." (She's not subtle at all). The hotel and dinner are things I used to do with my hubby - especially the fancy expensive ones she was looking at. I wish I could be as carefree appearing as she is.

Husband has been dead for almost nine months now and I still can't get used to saying dead with his name. I still refuse to believe he's dead; refuse to accept he's in a jar in the front room, his room.

Every day I read a new account of a woman struggling to come to terms with her husband's suicide, there are so many of us. Sadly, I really only give credence to those who were like me, married (or living together) for a long while. The others were fiances or even girlfriends who didn't even live with their "spouse". It's hard to try to relate to girls of 20, who are so keen to just jump back into the dating scene....and there are so many of them.

My husband was a 52 year old man with a long and successful career. We had a strong and stable relationship. He wasn't some messed up child trying to find a path in life or struggling to hold his relationship together. He had a future. He was only 8 years from early retirement. We could have been "together" again.

Why did he do it? How could that have even come into his mind? A shotgun no less.

It would be interesting to know if he'd done any suicides in the months before he died. Was something actually bothering him? It still sticks out in my mind how vocally he reacted to the cop suicide just two short weeks before his own. It really bothered him. He spoke out vehemently against suicide and sadly, I defended it because, "sometimes you're not in touch with reason, it just overwhelms you that urge, it's like a force pulling you to act." And it's up to you to keep yourself safe and not act on it. :(

I know it's PTSD hijacking my brain and emotional reactions; I know I just have to wait it out. He didn't know. :(

I wish he just knew. I wish I could have made him see.

I wish he was here with me in bed, breathing, like it was supposed to be for a very long time yet.

I miss him.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm dreading tomorrow, we're at my sister's house again for the week. She's working tomorrow so I plan to take the dog out exploring local parks. I'm going to try to stay busy but I just know once we're alone in going to cry. I need a good long hard cry even though feeling that deep pain scares me now. That well inside me is so deep and so painfully overwhelming.

We're skipping Halloween. Originally we were supposed to go out for dinner and a drive but now she wants to go away somewhere to a hotel. I have to find something pet friendly, she keeps forgetting about the dog. Oh and, yeah, it's over her birthday so, on my credit card *eye roll* Because the $70 I just spent on her gift wasn't enough??? I don't think I ever spent over $400 on my husbands birthday ever and will I ever get a similar treat in my lifetime from her? Not bloody likely.

It's a lot of money and you know me and money...I'm thinking of doing it because since my husband died it's just been rolling around in my head, "you can't take it with you." Essentially it has no value if it's being hoarded, so I may as well risk some of it. I know psychologically I will pay for it in about a month but right now, I'm thinking, I could get hit by a bus next week and never spent a cent on "me".

Uggh, hubby would say she's emotionally manipulating me...and sadly, she kinda is, but like I said, I could get hit by a bus next week, so why not!?

His mom called today. She asked how I was and how my family was but that second question threw me - I honestly don't know how they are truly. A couple of brothers are ill but I have to find out through fb because no one is close enough to me to call or even shoot me an email. Sadly, I feel like my sister is the only family I have left.

Anyway, his mom called and talked about herself; I don't know how she does it. How do you make your life so fun and interesting sounding? I could never do that. My life is neither fun nor interesting...I've been doing a lot recently but strangely don't feel my anecdotes are appropriate to share with her. Her other son has apparently found a place of his own now, good or bad, I don't know; where? I don't know, and likely will never be told. How many times did he move and not even give his own brother his address...my hubby was always so sad and upset to find out. Strange family, that's all I can say.

9 months tomorrow. Last year on Halloween night, he was working, I was not into Halloween and decided not to hand out candy. A good decision because our doorbell only rang twice. I waited up for him to come home and we curled up in bed together.

I miss his "I'm home" hugs and kisses. I miss waiting up for him. He was just here. Wasn't that just days ago? How can it be 9 whole months of his being dead already!?

I want to scream tonight. I want him to text me and tell me he loves me and he's coming home.

 

[hodge]

@Medic72, my heart is breaking for you. I wish I had the words tonight. Right now, all I have is hugs. If your dog won't come upstairs, maybe he'd sleep next to you if you slept on the couch?

 

[NarcSis]

@hodge, I'm planning to camp out in the living room and see if he joins me. That makes me sad because the week my husband died was his week off and we had planned to do a camp out in front of the fireplace that week. We were going to move the furniture to the sides and clear the floor to toss down a futon mattress....he died before we could get it done.

I've been wanting to do that camp out on my own but haven't been ready, way too painful knowing he was supposed to be there with me.

The one good thing about being at my sisters place is that the dog has no choice but to sleep in the room with me and during the day I move his little bed beside the couch so he's essentially curled up at my feet for his naps. I'm hoping things go back to the way they were once we get home again. I miss my little silly bean in my bedroom with me.

9 months today. 9 months of being alone. 9 months without the love of my life; the one person who helped define me. 9 months since he DIED. I still can't wrap my head around it. He's dead, 9 months have passed and it still doesn't feel real.

I miss him so much today.

 

[NarcSis]

So good news, sister changed her mind about going away to a hotel but then switched gears to a cake - so needless to say, I was scrambling last minute to see if anyone would accept a 24hr notice for a cake order. The local bakery in town got back to me and said they can have it done by 1pm tomorrow, whew! So now all I have to worry about is dinner tomorrow and the cake, yay!!

I'm so lost without my hubby to debrief things with, especially when she gets in her moods and starts making me feel like my being here is inconveniencing her; she gets irritable and impatient and all I want to do is pack my stuff and leave...or die because I'm instantly heartbroken and severely depressed.

I'm a convenient target, always have been. :(

I just needed hubby to make me feel better today, instead I got her to drop the dog and I at a park while she went whizzing around spitting green goo doing whatever she needed to do. I was crying as she sped away all harried. Walked the dog around wiping tears and hoping no one would notice because I was so homesick for my hubby. I could have used one of his strong hugs. Of course, eventually the dog and I met up with another dog like him (only purebred) and I got to talk dogs with two really nice women. After some posturing the two dogs got along famously, my dog seemed to recognize their similarities and it was so fun to watch him go from curious, to guarded to playful. I wished I had a camera, I was so proud of my little silly bean.

The dog is a wonderful distraction from the pain I carry inside me. I see this now. He makes me smile. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel needed. He looks to me for permission, he tests my limits and pushes burtons but the excited dance he does tapping his little paws back and forth when he's happy erases any frustrations I have in an instant.

He's not my husband but he is his "son" - the son we always wished for.

I miss my husband so much. I'd give anything to have him warm beside me, lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beating, skipping every forth beat like clockwork, feeling his arm around me protectively and kissing my forehead like he used to do.

I wish I could erase the past and bring him back to me. I wish I could change the course of events that morning. I wish I could be with him. :(

 

[NarcSis]

My husband used to order prime rib every time we went out for steak. I remember one time he ordered a piece so big it filled his plate! I mean, the thing looked like they'd just gone out, slapped a cow then cut a hunk off to put on his dish. I sat watching in horrified amazement as hubby slowly gobbled down the entire monstrosity. I thought for sure he was going to drop of a heart attack after that. He loved his prime rib that man of mine.

I took my sister to a chain steakhouse for dinner, I got the prime rib for hubby - the smallest piece they had. It was good but the waitress screwed up the "free birthday dessert" by neglecting to inform us that "free" didn't mean you had a choice, it's a standard that they give, so when the bill came and I was charged full price for her dessert I asked and the waitress made up some lame excuse and never even bothered to wish my sister a happy birthday! Needless to say, we're never going back there again. Hubby would have been livid.

I'm thinking a lot about him. Missing him so much. I'm going home on Friday and there will be no one to share our adventures with. I just really need to talk to him. There won't be anyone to greet us or text us to see if we're okay.

Do you need anything? :(

His last words to me.

 

[hodge]

:hug:s @Medic72